Page 29 of Love and Other Mental Health Concerns
“Nicholas, are you able to recognize that Marcy saw that less-than-perfect side of you and then kept spending time with you anyway?”
Huh.
“Yes. I’m getting it.”
“You don’t need to be the perfect ray of sunshine all the time to make up for your inadequacies. We all have inadequacies, and we all find the people that love us anyway. Your parents did a shit job of showing you that, but other people will surprise you if you let them.”
“You think she loves me, Patricia?” The thought of that makes my chest want to explode.
“Shut up Nicholas, you barely know her. Keep spending your time with her and find out for yourself.” She points at me with her plastic knife covered in frosting to emphasize her stern message.
“Right, yeah, getting ahead of myself.”
“I am going to email you some information on panic attacks because I can hear the small gremlins at my office door. Sorry we couldn’t chat longer Nicholas, but email me again to set up a time in the next few days so that we can keep processing this a bit.”
“Yeah, Okay. This really helped, thank you.”
“Don’t mention it. I’ll only bill you half since it wasn’t a full session.”
“You are too kind.” I hang-up with Patricia and feel lighter. She got me to say the things I struggled to acknowledge on my own. That fear of not being good enough for Marcy, not doing this thing between us “right.”
More importantly, she reminded me that being with a partner will mean a balance of both our needs, and a trust that Marcy will tell me when I am not meeting hers. Trust she won’t reject me for being…myself? Is that right?
I don’t know, still processing.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Nick
I wake up on the Monday morning following the Fall Festival of Fun with a pit in my stomach. Although my talk with Patricia did help me identify my triggers and calm those fears a bit, the idea of seeing Marcy today still made me worry.
In such a brief meeting, my parents were able to tear down my career, my lack of committed relationship, and remind me that they didn’t have much interest in simply spending time with me. Remind me that I wasn’t good enough for them, and Marcy got a front row seat. The way they disrespected her in the interaction has also been eating away at me, making me feel like I failed her by not standing up for her. I wish I had been capable of using some of my anger in that moment instead of shutting down out of straight fear.
I haven’t heard from Marcy since Saturday afternoon, but I want to remedy that today. I want to talk to her in person and explain myself. I had started to open up with her more at the bar, and as safe as that felt, that wasn’t how I wanted her to remember that day. I wanted to charm her, to show her that I was a solid guy that she could trust. Make her laugh a few times,treat her to some fried dough and anything else she had her eye on.
Things were going so well too. I don’t remember a better feeling than her hand in mine. It was a risk to take it in the first place, but I wanted to make it clear to her that she can think of me as more than a friend. I have never gone slow with a woman, but holding her hand felt like a good way to start. By the end of our time together, she was the one reaching for me, and it made my heart race each time.
Then I had to ruin it.
Instead of showing her the best version of myself, she saw the weak son. The guy that I have tried to long since leave behind. She didn’t back away when she recognized my discomfort. If anything, her response just highlighted that huge heart of hers, making me even more crazy about her. Her patients are lucky if they get even a fraction of the compassion she showed me.
I rehash our day together for what feels like the millionth time as I utilize the small hotel gym to get in a quick run and some weight training. The usual high I get after my workout is lacking, the disappointment still overriding my nervous system. I shower, get dressed, grab a yogurt and a protein bar out of the refrigerator in my room and head toward my truck. I’m so distracted that I don’t even remember the drive to the hospital, or the walk to my desk. I sit down and stare at my computer screen for a solid five minutes before even turning it on.
Today might be a long day.
My screen lights up as I settle my thoughts and push all the ones involving Marcy to the back of my brain. It’s no use however, because just as I start to scan my emails, she appears in my doorway.
“Nick?” She is so gorgeous. Her dark curls are everywhere, and she is dressed in her self-imposed work uniform of leggingsand an oversized sweater. This one has a neckline that exposes her collar bones and that’s enough to get my blood buzzing on its own. There is a slight pink in her cheeks, and she seems a bit apprehensive. She spins her rings around her fingers when she is nervous, and right now they are really whirling.
“Marcy, come in. Please, have a seat.” I’m going for inviting but I’m afraid I’m coming off a little desperate.
“Thanks,” She smiles. “I won’t take a lot of your time, I just wanted to check-in after Saturday. Things ended a little…well, just, how are you?”
“Honestly? I am still a little embarrassed with how the day ended. I wanted to show you a good time, and I let that run-in with my parents derail things. I enjoy spending time with you, and I shouldn’t have shut down like that.”
“It’s okay, I meant what I said about not having to be sunshine all the time. I told you a little about my own anxiety, so I know what it’s like. You can’t always control it. I am here to talk to in case you need someone to ya know…talk.” She seems so earnest, and I am mortified, even if I know that isn’t a fair response.
“Like one of your patients?” I’m hating that that just came out of my mouth, but it’s what I keep thinking.
