Page 91 of Irresistible
“Then I bid you good evening.” He bowed before leaving her chamber, closing the door with a barely audible click.
Jess picked up the pillow from behind her and punched her fist into the center. Fluffing it against the headboard, she settled back with a deep frown.
What had just happened? They’d had a perfectly wonderful encounter, which he’d ruined by bringing up marriage. That had provoked her to think about him in ways she’d been avoiding. She had no issue with being attracted to him, to wanting him, to carrying on a liaison with him. She did not, however, want to be in love with him.
Unfortunately, she feared she was.
Then why hadn’t she said yes to marrying him? Because it didn’t seem that he loved her in return. Years ago, she’d wanted to marry a man she’d loved, but her parents had forbidden it. So she’d refused to submit to their plans, to align herself with a man of whom they approved. She wasn’t about to accept a proposal they would wholeheartedly endorse, even if she loved him.Especiallysince she loved him, because he didn’t love her back. That would be the union her parents wanted, the one that had been expected all this time.
But if Dougal loved her, it would be the marriageshewanted.
What if in spiting her parents, she’d actually been denying herself something wonderful? They’d disappointed her, and she’d sought to disappoint them. What an absurd manner in which to live.
If this mission with Dougal had shown Jess anything, it was that she did want an intimate relationship, a companion, a husband. She wanted love. She envied Mary and Gil, and if there was any chance she could have what they shared, she’d take it. Unfortunately, the proposal Dougal had given her was not that.
The candle on her desk finally sputtered out, casting her into near darkness. The coals in the fireplace didn’t put out much light. Or warmth. Suddenly, she felt quite cold.
Jess burrowed under the covers and rolled to her side, pulling her knees to her chest. Had it really just been a short while ago that she’d been in Dougal’s arms, awash with incomparable passion? Apparently for the last time. She had to think they were truly finished now.
How devastating, since she’d only just realized how wonderful they might have been together.
A tear slid from her eye, and she wiped it away in frustration. She refused to cry over him. She hadn’t even realized she loved him until his stupid proposal. Couldn’t she go back to when she didn’t know, to when spinsterhood was her goal? She’d learned to pretend quite well. Surely, she could behave as if her entire time with Dougal was nothing more than a dream.
Tomorrow was the engagement ball. She would speak with Lord Gregory and dance with him if he asked. She would ensure he never called on her and never paid her another moment’s attention. Then she would be free.
She was no longer entirely sure what she’d be free from.
Chapter20
Dougal would have left for Scotland that very morning, but after arriving home just before dawn and proceeding to drink himself into a dreamless slumber, he was in no shape to travel. Tomorrow it would have to be.
In the meantime, he went to the study and drafted a note to Lucien telling him about his departure and that he wasn’t sure when he’d be back in London. That felt so odd. London had been his home the past four years. And before that, he’d been abroad with the Black Watch.
He recalled what Jess had told him upon learning he’d served in the Highland regiment. She’d wanted to see him in a kilt. Now, she never would.
Avoiding thinking of her, he let his mind return to his time in the regiment. He rarely thought of it. War was not something he wanted occupying space in his head. It was much easier—and better—to think of it as something that had happened to someone else.
Again, he thought of Jess. This time recalling what she’d told him last night:
“But who is that, Dougal? You are in the midst of a huge change. How can you even know what you want? Or who? I may seem a good solution for a problem you need to solve, but you are no longer an investigator seeking answers and resolving situations. That is definitely not how you should go about finding a wife.”
She’d seen right through him to a depth he hadn’t even seen himself. Looking back, he’d been many people—the eager son and brother, the young buck who’d enjoyed himself with his friends, the earnest soldier, the confident spy. Who was he supposed to be now? The heir who didn’t know what the hell he was supposed to do when his father died, when he would be alone to manage the family’s legacy.
Dougal leaned back in his chair and stared at the ceiling of the study. He’d thought marrying Jess was such a good plan. Not just for him, but for her too. He’d been so wrong. Apparently, she’d only wanted him for sex. It was rather fitting, since that was all he’d ever sought from women and infrequently in recent years at that.
It seemed no matter what he tried, he couldn’t stop thinking of her. Perhaps he needed more liquor. Grunting in frustration, he stood and walked around the desk. Then he stopped short as a familiar figure entered the doorway.
“Da!” Dougal grinned as he rushed forward.
Malcolm MacNair, Earl of Stirling might now rely on a walking stick, but he still looked as imposing as ever to Dougal. Tall with thick white hair that had once been copper and impressively bushy eyebrows, he regarded Dougal with piercing blue-green eyes.
“Careful there, my boy,” he said as he embraced Dougal.
“Don’t break him.”
Dougal looked past his father to see Robbie smirking at him. Right away, Dougal knew his cousin had escorted his father, and he was incredibly grateful.
Patting his father’s shoulder, Dougal took a step back. “You dragged Robbie with you?”
