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He’d certainly been an idiot last night. She’d been so distraught. And that had been due to her own fear that he would reject her if he knew the truth about her affair with her married employer.
She’d been right to be afraid. Hehadrejected her. He’d used it as an excuse to assuage his own fear.
He hated that he’d hurt her. After everything she’d done for him, all the ways in which she’d guided him from the dark, he’d pushed her aside. She deserved far better. She deserved everything.
Ada was a light, and whenever he was with her, he felt hope. What had started as a glimmer as she’d worn down his defenses had become a shining beacon. He didn’t want to carry on without her. He didn’t want to return to the wilderness without her by his side.
She was the star he was meant to follow.
Chapter21
After a mostly sleepless night, Ada contemplated whether she ought to postpone her wherry adventure. Perhaps today was not the day to conquer her fears. Indeed, today seemed perfect for burying her head beneath the bedclothes and ignoring the world.
Particularly due to the fact that Max was leaving.
But then she’d decided it would be good if she were gone from the club when he left. Then she wouldn’t be tempted to run after him and beg him to stay.
Ada went downstairs just before their appointed time of departure for Horse Ferry. Prudence had just arrived and was standing in the entry hall with Evie, their heads bent together, whispering.
“Ready?” Evie asked brightly.
“Yes.” Ada followed them outside into the warm summer morning. They were taking Evie’s coach, which would then meet them at Somerset House.
Once they were situated—Ada in the rear-facing seat and the others opposite her—Prudence frowned. “Ada, I’m sorry, but you look terrible. And given what we heard last night about the scene in the members’ den, I can guess why.”
Tears threatened, but Ada didn’t think she had any left to shed. “Was the entire club abuzz?” Ada wondered if she’d have to find new employment. Max had made it plain that she had engaged in an affair and gotten with child. Oh, how she’d hoped no one had heard.
Evie looked at her in sympathy. “Not the entire club. It was clear there was a…situation, but the circumstances are not known.Ican guess, however, because I know all the players.”
Prudence knew them too, and Ada could only assume Evie had told her about Jonathan’s proposal.
“And now I’ve heard that Warfield is leaving today,” Evie said. “Alone?”
“Whom would he be leaving with?”
“Don’t pretend there’s nothing between you and him,” Prudence said. “We’re your closest friends. We know you. We’re also quite capable of seeing the both of you and how you interact. It was abundantly clear at Vauxhall that you care for each other. The question I have is how much.”
“I love him.” Ada turned her head, unable to bear their sympathy another moment. “But you know me, I crave love like a bee needs honey.”
“So? That doesn’t mean it isn’t real.”
Ada glanced toward Evie who’d spoken. “I’m doomed to love people I shouldn’t or who can’t love me in return. Time and time again, I’m reminded I should be alone.”
Evie sniffed. “Well, that sounds rather pitiful.”
Indeed it did. “I lied to Max about my affair with Jonathan. I left out the part about him being married. I didn’t think Max would understand.” That was what agonized her the most. Why would she think that? He’d revealed himself to her completely, and she ought to have done the same.
“You mustn’t continue to torture yourself,” Prudence said softly.
The counsel Ada had given Max on more than one occasion came back to haunt her—guilt was a terrible thing. This was fresh guilt, however. She should have been honest with him as he’d been with her. Now she had to deal with the consequences.
“Did you tell Max the truth?” Evie asked. “Is that why he’s leaving today? If so, good riddance. If he loved you, he would understand why you were afraid to tell him.”
Ada took a deep breath and pressed her spine against the back of the seat. “This isn’t a novel, Evie.” She closed her eyes briefly and exhaled. Then she looked at her friends and summoned a smile. “I would like to forget about last night and Max for a while if I can. Today is a monumental day for me, and I would like to focus on overcoming my fear.”
Evie and Prudence exchanged a glance, then looked back to her and nodded.
Prudence smiled. “Of course. We only want what’s best for you. I would hate to see you hurting.”
