Page 36 of Letting Go of Yesterday
The annual fireworks display at Pengarrack Castle, three miles inland from Port Agnes, took place on the weekend closest to bonfire night each year, to raise funds both for the upkeep of the castle and a local good cause. According to Bex, for the last two years that good cause had been the Friends of St Piran’s Hospital, but the fundraising was only part of the reason why the event was so popular. The firework display was apparently the best in the area and there was entertainment, including folk music and dancing, as well as a parade of processional giants, with huge papier mâché heads, depicting characters from the gunpowder plot. It sounded like a spectacular event, but what Rowan was most looking forward to was the crowd. All those people would dilute the intensity of being in a room, or even worse in a car, with Michael and James, who was so tightly wound he looked like he might burst into flames long before the bonfire was lit.
‘Tiff says I can stay over at hers after, is that okay?’ Bella addressed the comment to Rowan, just as she finished parking the car.
‘Yes, of course, as long as that’s okay with her parents.’ As far as Rowan was concerned, her daughter going for a sleepover was a good thing. Bella was far too astute at times and the last thing she wanted was for her to overhear a row between her dad and his own father, something that was almost certain to occur when James finally told Michael the truth. Theo would be easier to distract, he always had been, and the three-year gap between them might as well have been thirty for the difference it made in their awareness of the world around them.
‘Don’t you think she should ask her father?’ Michael, who was sitting in the passenger seat, held Rowan’s gaze. She’d always struggled with his barely disguised misogyny, hidden behind a belief that men should be the head of the household, but Rowan didn’t need to try to appease him any more.
‘No, I don’t, because I’m the one who knows Tiffany’s family and who’s developed a good relationship with them over the past three months, but thanks for your concern.’ She didn’t even try to disguise the sarcasm in her voice and, as she turned to look at Bella, there was something close to admiration in her daughter’s eyes, a look she hadn’t seen for quite some time. There was a smile playing around the corners of James’s mouth too. ‘Right, come on then you lot, let’s go and enjoy the evening.’
‘Do you think we might see Leo?’ There was so much hopefulness in Theo’s tone that Rowan found herself crossing her fingers that they would, even though it might make things awkward if Nathan was there too. She was desperate to tell him everything that had been happening, but there was no chance of her being able to do that with Michael watching her every move like a hawk. She had the feeling he’d love to be able to pin the breakdown of the marriage on her. Absolving James of any responsibility would absolve him too, and she wouldn’t put it past her husband to let his father come to that conclusion so that he could wriggle out of telling him the truth. They could both come out of this as victims of a woman who was incapable of upholding the principles they’d built their lives around, but she wasn’t taking the fall for this one. She didn’t care what her father-in-law thought about her, he’d told her more than once that she needed to stop being so opinionated and he clearly thought the opinions she had weren’t worth his consideration. But she did care what her children thought and she wanted them to know that they would always come first as far as she was concerned. So, no, she wasn’t going to be the fall guy for James or his father.
‘I hope you get to see Leo, sweetheart. Did he say anything at school about coming to the fireworks?’
‘He wasn’t sure, because his mum might have the baby soon.’ Theo’s eyes were round with wonder at the concept.
‘If he isn’t here, I promise to set up a get-together soon.’ She was sure Nathan would have texted if there was news about the baby, but then again maybe not. She’d told him she needed a bit of space to sort things out with James and he’d given it to her. She couldn’t have it both ways. She should be focusing on her own problems and the upcoming Ofsted inspection, but it still hurt to think that something so big could be happening in Nathan’s life without him telling her.
‘I’m starving. Can we get hotdogs please, Mum?’ Bella linked her arm through Rowan’s as they got out of the car, but before she could answer Michael cut in.
‘If you’d eaten more of the lunch your mother prepared for you, instead of trying to hide the vegetables on one side of your plate, you wouldn’t be craving junk like that.’
‘It’s almost dinner time and we were always planning to eat here tonight, sweetheart, so of course you can have a hotdog.’ She shot her father-in-law a look, silently daring him to make another comment, before turning back to Bella. Even if she might normally have made a comment about her leaving so much of her lunch, there was no way in the world that she was giving Michael the satisfaction of thinking she agreed with him about anything. ‘I think they might even have candyfloss if you’re still hungry after that.’
Rowan linked her other arm through Theo’s and left James and his father to trail behind. Maybe they could bond over a discussion about all her shortcomings as a mother. James needed all the brownie points he could get before he finally told the truth and she had to get away from Michael, before she tried to prise off one of the giant ornamental swords that were crossed above the main entrance to the castle and turned her father-in-law into the human version of candyfloss on a stick.
It took less than five minutes before Bella met up with Tiffany, dropping her mother’s arm and linking it through her best friend’s instead, the two of them speeding on ahead with Tiffany’s parents, in search of hotdogs. It was the way it should be, Bella beginning to assert snippets of independence, but Rowan couldn’t help clinging all the tighter to Theo.
‘Don’t grow up too quickly will you, sweetheart?’
He looked at her nonplussed for a moment and then broke into a broad smile, craning his neck to see past her. ‘Look, it’s Leo and Nathan.’
Turning to follow the direction of his gaze, she couldn’t stop a smile from spreading over her face too. Within seconds the two boys were deep in conversation, as if they hadn’t seen each other in weeks, instead of just the day before at school, and they had absolutely no interest in anything else going on around them now that they had each other. She had a sudden recollection of herself and Bex at school, constantly getting told off for talking in class, only to get home at the end of the day and call each other so they could start chatting again, not stopping until one of their parents roared at them to ‘get off the bloody phone’. Having Bex back in her life was something else she was grateful for and, as soon as James had finally told his father about Euan, she was going to confide in her friend too. After all, during their secondary school days, Bex had been the one she’d confessed to about her crush on Nathan. And as cool as she’d been trying to play things, her crush was even more powerful now than it had been back then.
‘It’s good to see you.’ Nathan’s voice was low and the boys were far too engrossed in their own conversation to listen to what was being said. He was standing close enough to Rowan for them to be able to touch if they wanted to, and her skin was tingling in anticipation.
‘You too, and I’m so sorry again about all the cancelled plans.’
‘It’s okay, I get it.’ There was something in his expression that she couldn’t quite read and suddenly the urge to touch him and make a connection was too much.
‘I hope so.’ She put her hand on his arm; it was a simple gesture but she hoped it conveyed more than her words. She could have told him that she’d really missed him, but it seemed like far too much too soon, even if her feelings were much bigger than they had any right to be. Despite that, she still wanted to be sure he knew the reason she’d pulled away recently. It had nothing to do with him and everything to do with what was going on in her own life. ‘James will be gone by next week and even better his father will have left too. We’re expecting an Ofsted inspection at school, but after that I’ll have a lot more free time.’
‘That’s good.’ Her face flushed with heat in response to his muted reply. She’d made it sound as if he was desperately waiting around for her, as though he had nothing better to do, when in truth their cancelled plans might not even have bothered him. Now she just wanted to backtrack and make it all sound far more casual.
‘You’ve got far more important things to worry about than any of that, what with the baby coming. Theo said it might be any day now, from what Leo told him. So I know you’re probably busy anyway and I didn’t mean to suggest that?—’
This time Nathan was the one to reach out and touch her, stopping her mid-sentence and tucking a hand under her chin to force her to look at him. ‘Heather’s getting as much rest as she can and there’s no sign of the baby yet, but Will is on full alert. Whatever else is happening in my life I’ve always got time for you. You’re the one who’s got a lot going on and you’ve got a long history with James. So I understand if there are things you might want to try and work out.’
‘No.’ She shook her head vehemently. ‘At least not in that way. Wearetrying to work out a way forward, but we definitely aren’t getting back together. Absolutely no chance at all.’
‘Well, that’s good to know.’ The clouded look lifted from his face and he smiled. ‘It’s just that when I took Leo to the Camel Creek adventure park. I saw the four of you together and you looked like every other happy family. If there was a chance you could still have that, I didn’t want to be the one to get in the way.’
‘There’s nothing romantic between me and James and there never will be, but we are still a family. After everything that happened with my parents, it’s important to me that we can still do things together occasionally, if that’s what the children want. Would that be a dealbreaker for you?’
‘Of course not; the children should always come first, but we’re not at the stage where what I think really matters are we? No one even knows we’ve been seeing each other.’ The clouded look was back and she wanted to tell him it wouldn’t always be that way. She wanted to promise that once they were certain there was something to tell, she’d be open with the people who needed to know. Except she had to be sure she had the courage of her convictions before she made a promise like that. The thought of being anything like her father-in-law – bigoted and judgemental about other people’s mistakes – horrified her. But the young girl she’d been was still somewhere inside of her, the one who didn’t want to be the topic of everyone else’s conversations. That’s why she had to be as certain as she could be that things were going to work out between her and Nathan before it became public knowledge, otherwise they’d have to deal with everyone talking about them for no reason. Nathan was right, all of that was a problem for another day and it was easier for now just to change the subject altogether.
‘We were going to get something to eat. Can I get something for you and Leo?’
‘I’ll do it.’ Nathan started to step forward, but she held out a hand.
