Page 35 of Letting Go of Yesterday
‘If you don’t mind staying to take some notes of the briefing and sending them out to any of the staff who aren’t around, that would be amazing. It won’t take long, I promise. I just want to make sure everyone feels confident. This is a great school and all we’ve got to do is show the inspectors that.’
Rowan said the last part with extra emphasis, to make sure there was no chance of Keith missing it. Even if she hadn’t been headteacher for long, she was proud of Port Agnes Primary and she was determined not to let the school down. She just hoped she could find a way of keeping her personal life afloat at the same time, because the timing of the visit really couldn’t have been much worse.
20
Rowan grabbed a couple of hours to review some of the school’s policies on her laptop, after hosting lunch with her father-in-law. Even preparing for Ofsted felt like fun after spending the best part of half a day with Michael Bellamy. The man loved the sound of his own voice, but the constant droning had added to her tension headache almost as much as being on constant alert not to say the wrong thing. He kept asking questions about how they intended to make things right and end this ‘selfish decision to separate’ as he put it. When Rowan had brought up the fact that Michael hadn’t had such a big issue with his daughter’s divorce, it had just seemed to add fuel to the fire and he’d given an exasperated groan.
‘Helena had no choice. She tried for two years to make it work, but that idiot she was with was seeing someone else and there were no children involved. There’s no comparison to your situation and you two should be putting your family first, instead of giving up on your marriage on a whim.’ James had just sat there looking uncomfortable, and in the end she’d had to be very firm with Michael and tell him it wasn’t a topic for discussion in front of the children, reassuring Bella and Theo once again how much they were loved and that nothing would ever change that. She shouldn’t have been put in that position and the children certainly shouldn’t. They might have no idea about Euan yet, but she and James had been clear with them, in all the chats they had over half term week, that their marriage was definitely over. Much to her surprise, the children had seemed more relieved than anything. She’d been so taken aback, that she’d checked in with them again when she’d gone to say goodnight to them the evening after they’d been to Camel Creek.
‘You know you can tell me if you’re ever worried about anything, don’t you? And that even though me and Dad won’t be married any more, we both still love you more than anything and we’re still going to be family, it’ll just look a bit different.’ She’d spoken to Bella first, who’d given her one of the slightly condescending looks she often seemed to adopt these days, a certain sign that the teenage years were only just around the corner.
‘Yes, I know. There were loads of girls at Membory Grange whose mums and dads weren’t together, and Tiffany’s dad is really her stepdad. She’s never actually met her real dad though, so she says that means he isn’t herrealdad at all and that Brett is.’ She’d shrugged and Rowan had caught her breath. Her little girl seemed to have disappeared in front of her eyes and been replaced by someone wise beyond her years.
‘Sometimes I forget how grown up you are.’ Rowan hugged her for as long as she was permitted, before Bella extracted herself from the embrace.
‘Well, Iamgrowing up and soon I’m going to need to get a bra. Tiffany’s already got her first one. We’ll probably need to go somewhere with a lot more shops than Port Agnes. Tiff got hers from somewhere in Truro.’
The swift change of subject had signalled the end of their heart-to-heart about the divorce. Bella had far more important things on her mind and she was inseparable from Tiffany, whose presence in her life had made Port Agnes feel like home far sooner than Rowan had ever dared to hope. It had been a similar conversation with Theo, just without the mention of bras. She’d said the same thing to him about what the divorce meant and how they’d always be a family. The more sensitive and affectionate of her children, he’d reached out to take hold of her hand.
‘It’s okay, Mama, I’m not sad.’ At the grand old age of seven he only ever called her mama these days if the two of them were alone, it would have been far too embarrassing to use the pet name he’d favoured until he’d started school.
‘I’m really glad about that.’ She’d squeezed his hand in response, but then he’d sighed.
‘I’m just worried.’
‘What about?’ Her heart had hammered in her chest as she looked at him.
‘That you might be sad.’
‘Oh, darling.’ She’d had to blink back tears as she desperately tried to swallow the lump that was attempting to permanently lodge itself in her throat. Not because she was sad, but because of what a wonderful, caring boy she and James had somehow created.
‘I’m not sad at all. I really like it here and being close to your grandparents, and some of the friends I first met when I was younger than you are now, and I really like my job at the school too. So as long as you and Bella are happy, then so am I.’
‘I am happy.’ Theo had given her one of his gap-toothed grins as if to prove he was telling the truth. ‘I really like my new teacher and Leo is the best best friend in the world. It’s even better that I get to see him all the time because his uncle Nathan is your friend too. It’s been nice seeing Dad since he came, but I’ve really missed them.’
‘Me too, we’ll see them really soon though and make up for all the plans we had to cancel, I promise. I want you to know how lucky I feel that I get to be your mum.’ Rowan had leant forward and hugged her son close to her, hoping she hadn’t just made a promise she wouldn’t be able to keep. She was sure their new start would get back on track once James left, she just didn’t want anything to come along that would stop that happening. They needed to start living their new normal and James staying at the house with them wasn’t a part of that, so the sooner he got things straight in his own life the better for all of them. But right now he was looking at her as she shut the laptop lid down, a pensive expression on his face.
‘So did you talk to your father about leaving Membory Grange?’ Rowan knew the answer as soon as she looked at James’s face. He’d been for a walk with his father after lunch, just the two of them, and it had been the opportunity he was supposed to use.
‘I tried, but I just couldn’t seem to get the words out.’ James was wheedling now, wearing the same hangdog expression he’d worn when his father had been berating them both at lunch and he’d sat there and said nothing. She’d have bet that if she’d offered to talk to Michael for him, he’d have taken her up on the offer, but James needed to face up to this himself.
‘For God’s sake, James. You promised you’d do this if I let you stay and put up with your father for the weekend, so that he can see we’re doing this the right way and putting the kids first, but I can’t make this any easier for you. You’re the one who needs to have the difficult conversations with him and make it clear there’ll be no going back on our decision. If that means telling him about you and Euan, I think you need to do it. He’s not going to let this go otherwise. You’ve got to tell him everything.’
For a long moment James didn’t say anything, until finally he nodded, sounding a tiny bit more determined when he spoke. ‘I know you’re right. He just doesn’t seem capable of understanding how a marriage can just come to an end or that it’s sometimes the best thing for everyone concerned, even the children, but I’ll have to try and find a way of making him listen to me.’
It wasn’t the kind of half-hearted determination she wanted him to have. He should have been utterly committed to proving to his father and more importantly to the children themselves that he would be putting Bella and Theo first, regardless of what else was going on in his life, but at least he wasn’t making quite so many excuses for not facing up to the situation.
‘We both know he’s not going to be thrilled, but the kids are happy. I was terrified that they wouldn’t be, but you’ve just got to keep going back to that because nothing else should really matter to him. You and I are adults and we’ve made all the decisions, the children had no say in any of this and they should be the only ones he’s worried about.’
‘I’m just worried that all he’ll fixate on is my relationship with Euan. What am I going to do if I tell him the truth and he doesn’t want anything more to do with me?’ He was wearing that expression again, the one that made him look like Theo, almost like he knew the power it had over her, but she wasn’t going to give into it this time. Only he could do this. She knew as well as James did that it was going to be tough and she understood why he didn’t want to tell his father everything, but Michael was refusing to believe the marriage was over. It was time for the truth to come out. Way past time, in fact.
‘If he decides to cut you off, that’ll be his choice, but can you imagine ever not loving Theo or Bella because they’ve made a choice you don’t agree with? I know I can’t. If he isn’t able to love you for who you are, he doesn’t deserve to be your dad. Either way, you’ve got to be honest with your own children before it damages your relationship with them. It’s time to put Bella and Theo first and then your dad can decide what’s more important to him: a relationship with his son and his grandchildren, or his personal prejudice. You can’t control that.’
‘I know and I promise I’ll talk to him tonight, after we’ve taken the kids to the fireworks.’ James locked eyes with her and despite the promises he’d already broken, she could see he meant it. She was only just beginning to see what so many years of lying and living a double life had done to him. He used to be much stronger and more determined than this, she was sure of it, now he was scared and she suddenly felt far sorrier for him than she had before. It was probably why he seemed to have lost interest in the children too. He was so focused on keeping his secret under wraps that he’d lost huge parts of who he’d been in other aspects of his life. ‘I know it’s asking a lot, but do you think I could have a hug? I need to be fortified with all the strength I can get.’
‘In the spirit of us staying friends I think I can spare you one. Just for heaven’s sake don’t ask me that in front of your father. The last thing we need is him getting any more ideas about how easily we could repair our marriage if only we tried a bit harder.’ She laughed and put her arms around James. They might not have quite crossed every hurdle yet, but she was proud of how far they’d come. They just had to get through the next twenty-four hours and one of the most difficult conversations of James’s life. Then they could all start to move forward with the clean slate she’d come home to Port Agnes to find.
* * *
