Page 31 of Letting Go of Yesterday
He couldn’t ask her for any more than that, and he’d understood when she’d suggested continuing to keep it just between them, ‘at least for now, so we don’t confuse the children.’
It was early days and he respected that Rowan’s children came first. There’d been a couple more dates and some get-togethers with the children, none of which had done anything to diminish how strongly he felt about her. Quite the opposite in fact. Now it was the end of October and half term week, and they had a series of things planned to do together in the first few days, before James arrived to see Bella and Theo, after which they were hoping to grab the chance for more time on their own.
It might be way too soon to tell anyone that he and Rowan were more than friends, but if he couldn’t keep this stupid smile from spreading across his face every five minutes, it was going to give him away long before he had the chance to tell anyone anything. Shutting the door to the byre, he set off to the main house to pick up Leo. They were going to the cinema again with Rowan and her children and all he had to do was stop his face from revealing just how much he was looking forward to seeing her.
‘Is there something you’re not telling me?’ Will gave him an appraising stare the moment he walked into the kitchen.
‘What about?’ Nathan did his best to attempt wide-eyed innocence.
‘Whatever it is that’s making you grin like a half-wit every time I look at you.’ Will peered at him again. ‘It’s the same expression you used to get when you’d set me up for something and you couldn’t wait for the pay off. Like the time you sprayed Deep Heat into my swimming trunks. When I got to the beach and put them on I couldn’t get out of the sea for about half an hour, until my balls had stopped burning.’
‘That was a classic, you’ve got to admit.’ Nathan couldn’t help laughing. The two of them had spent most of their teenage years thinking up pranks to play on one another. It must have driven their parents mad, but it had bonded the two of them even closer together.
‘Stop trying to sideline the conversation, I need to know what you keep smirking at, because if you’re thinking of trying the Deep Heat trick again, just be warned that I’m fully prepared to wax your new handmade kitchen units with fish oil in retaliation.’ Despite his threat, Will was laughing too and part of Nathan was desperate to tell his brother the truth.
‘I promise I’m not up to anything. Life is just good at the moment and who wouldn’t be smiling knowing they get to spend the day with Leo?’ Nathan winked at his nephew as he came into the room.
‘Is the film really going to be in 3D?’ The little boy’s excitement was written all over his face. ‘The dragons are going to look so cool in 3D.’
‘They really are and I got you and Theo one of these each, so you can look the part.’ Nathan handed Leo a sweatshirt depicting a scene from the movie they were going to see.
‘Thanks, Uncle Nathan!’ His nephew’s smile was broader than ever as he turned towards Will. ‘Look, Dad, it’s got my favourite dragon on it. Theo’s going to have one the same so everyone knows we’re best friends.’
‘That’s brilliant, darling. I’ll help you get it on, but I’m just wondering why your Uncle Nathan hasn’t got one for him and hisbest friend?’ Will raised his eyebrows, his lips twitching in the corners, even before Leo responded.
‘Do you mean Theo’s mum? Because she’s definitely Uncle Nathan’s best friend, he wants to sit next to herallthe time.’
‘Oh, does he now?’ Will looked at his brother and laughed. ‘I suppose that solves one mystery; now let’s get you into this sweatshirt, Leo, so that you can both get off to meet your best buddies.’
Nathan didn’t even try to protest. It wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have in front of Leo and his face would probably just have given him away anyway. Instead he started to gather his nephew’s things together and he’d just picked up the little boy’s jacket when his phone pinged with the arrival of a text from Rowan.
I’m so sorry, but we’re not going to make it to the cinema today. James has turned up at the cottage in a terrible state and I can’t leave him. I don’t know how it’s going to affect our plans for the rest of the week, but I’ll let you know when I do. Please tell Leo I’m sorry and that I’ll make it up to him xx
Nathan stared at the message for a moment, trying to process all the implications and read between the lines. He’d known that James was coming for a few days, but it was Saturday and he hadn’t been due to arrive until Tuesday. But Rowan’s husband had shown up early and he was clearly upset. She had to make that her priority, the rational part of him understood that, but he still wished it wasn’t true and the words ‘I can’t leave him’ felt like they were written ten times larger than the rest. When he glanced across at Leo and saw the excitement on his nephew’s face, he didn’t want to tell him about the change of plans because he knew that look would disappear. Even though he had every intention of taking Leo to the cinema and giving him the best day possible, it wouldn’t be the same without Theo and Rowan. Nathan didn’t even want to think about how her text had left him feeling, because he’d sworn to himself, after Nicole, that he’d never allow his happiness to depend on another person. Yet in barely three months of having Rowan back in his life, Nathan had allowed it to happen. It was funny how little he’d learned from the lessons that life had tried so hard to teach him, but one thing was certain, the smile he’d been so desperately trying to hide had disappeared all by itself.
* * *
Rowan wanted to cry at how upset Leo must have been after her text. It had been bad enough seeing the disappointment on her own children’s faces, when she’d told Theo they were staying at home, and Bella that she’d had to call Tiffany’s mum to come and collect her. But the two of them had seen their father sobbing on the doorstep, so at least they understood why. Part of her wanted to kill James for turning up like that and not being able to hold it together in front of them. She’d never wanted them to witness anything that might tip a horrible situation into something truly traumatic. There’d been times after discovering his affair, when trying to hold in her pain in front of the kids had felt like it was going to kill her, but she’d done it. Now she’d been forced to let her children down, and hurt Leo and Nathan in the process, all because the man standing in front of her couldn’t deal with the consequences of his own actions.
‘I’m sorry, Row. I just had to leave and the Airbnb is booked out to someone else until Tuesday, so I had nowhere else to go.’ There were tears in James’s eyes, but she felt almost nothing as she looked at him. He’d cried when she’d confronted him about the affair, but all the tears had been for himself; at how hard he’d fought against his feelings for other men, until Euan had come along and he just couldn’t do it any more. Despite her own pain, she’d felt his too and had understood how his upbringing had shaped the choices he’d made. But he’d never cried because of what he’d done toher, or the choices he’d taken away from Rowan with his lies. Far worse than that was the fact he’d never cried when he’d talked about not living with their children any more. The realisation had made it far easier to leave and take them with her. A part of her heart had hardened towards him and it was why she didn’t feel as sorry for James as he did for himself. The situation was a mess and there were no winners, but what her children needed would outrank her sympathy for him every time. James had claimed to be desperate to see them on several occasions, but in the end he’d been able to wait a whole three months. Rowan could never have done that. Three days without her children would have felt like a lifetime, but three months would have been unbearable. She already knew desperation to see the children wasn’t the reason he’d turned up early, she just needed to know what was.
‘What do you mean you had nowhere else to go? Why couldn’t you just stay at Membory Grange for three more days like you planned?’
‘Everyone knows.’ James gave a shuddering sigh and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. ‘I’ve been up all night, and this morning I just got in my car and left. Euan doesn’t even know I’ve gone.’
‘I see.’ Rowan thought about her old friends and colleagues, and the parents at the school, some of whom would revel in any kind of scandal. She doubted that Odette and Pippa would have deliberately spread gossip, but they would have told their husbands, both of whom worked at the school. There had been rumours flying about as soon as Rowan had handed in her notice and James was never going to be able to shut them down forever. They’d both known that this day would come. It was time the children knew the truth.
They were good kids, and they’d want their dad to be happy, something he was very far from being right now. The secret was clearly eating away at him and he’d found out the hard way that these things had a habit of coming out no matter how much you tried to keep them hidden.
‘I had a parent come up to me on the last day of term and tell me how disgusting it was that I had the audacity to stand up in chapel and lead a service when I was living a life of such appalling sin. He said he was intending to talk to the new head and that he was going to ask the church to have me removed, not just from my job but as an ordained priest.’ James let his head drop back for a moment, swallowing so hard against his emotions that Rowan would have sworn she saw them lodge in his throat. ‘He told me it sickened him that I’d been allowed to teach the children about religious education and personal and social studies. He said I should be ashamed and the look on his face was one of pure revulsion.’
‘There’s only one person who should be ashamed and that’s him.’ Rowan might have a lot of feelings about her estranged husband, anger being right at the top of the list, but she didn’t agree with anything that man had said to James. Shame was what had got him into this mess and forced him to hide who he really was. But he was excellent at his job, even if it had sometimes come at the expense of his own children. There was only one way to fight back against people like that man and it was with the truth. ‘It was easy for him to make you feel ashamed because you’re hiding the truth as if your sexuality really is something to be ashamed of. But it isn’t. If you’re honest and show the world that it’s not something that needs to be hidden, you take away all power from people like that. You can’t let him or anyone like him stop you from living the life you want to live.’
‘So what, you think I should have stayed at Membory Grange and organised a parade down the high street, waving my rainbow flag as I went?’ He gave a brittle laugh that didn’t have a trace of genuine humour behind it.
‘Maybe one day you should, but for now I think it would be enough to be honest with the people who really matter. Talk to the school and the church before that man does, and tell the kids while you’re here.’
James widened his eyes and shook his head. ‘You’re not serious, are you? I can’t tell the children, I wouldn’t have any idea where to start and if I get it wrong it’ll just make things worse.’
