Page 32 of Letting Go of Yesterday
He seemed genuinely shocked that Rowan would suggest honesty, but when lies had caused as much damage as his had it seemed like the only solution. ‘Telling the truth won’t make things worse, it gives you a starting point for rebuilding your relationship with the children as who you really are. I think you’ll get far closer to them that way than you ever will if you keep up a pretence. As for the school and the church, you can’t control how they’ll react, but they’re going to find out anyway and it would be far better coming from you.’
‘What if the children hate me? I couldn’t stand it if they hated me.’ He bit his lip and she forced herself to take a deep breath before responding. True to form, his question wasn’t about the impact on them, but how their feelings might affecthim. When they were together, his inability to put the children first hadn’t been nearly so obvious, but since moving back to Port Agnes it was hard to believe she hadn’t always seen it.
‘They’re not going to hate you. They’re both good, kind kids and you saw how upset they were at seeing you like this. They just need to know you’re okay and how much you love them. It’s all kids ever really need to hear.’
‘Will you be there with me?’ His eyes were pleading and she nodded. Part of her wanted to force him to be the adult in this situation and to find the backbone he suddenly seemed to be completely lacking, but she had no idea if that was the right thing for Theo or Bella.
‘I will, but there’s someone else you have to tell, now that so many other people already know.’ She held his gaze as he shook his head, fresh tears filling his eyes.
‘I can’t tell my father. I just can’t. He’ll never speak to me again.’ James looked so much like Theo in that moment that her heart softened again and she reached out to take his hand.
‘You’ve got to, because if you don’t you’re going to lose Euan and that would make everything we went through seem so much more pointless. I know you love him like you’ve never really loved anyone else.’ She held up her hand as he tried to protest; denying it would have been an insult. ‘Don’t throw that away, because not everyone gets it. If you have to choose between Euan and your father, the way I see it there’s only one choice. Euan loves therealyou, your dad doesn’t even know that person, but the least you can do is give him the chance to surprise you and tell you he’s willing to try.’
‘I wish I could have loved you the way I love Euan.’ James looked at her for a moment and she knew he meant it. He’d said it before, when everything had first come to light. She’d known then that a big part of it was because it would have made things much easier for James. But hurting her hadn’t been deliberate, she knew that too and now that they were this much further down the line, most of the anger she felt was about the impact on the children, not her. No matter what James’s shortcomings might be and no matter how much discovering the truth had hurt, she’d always be grateful that he’d tried to love her, because without that there’d have been no Bella or Theo. That was something she didn’t even want to imagine.
18
Leo’s sighs since the start of half term had been deep and heartfelt enough to empty all the air out of the room and it was obvious he was missing his best friend like crazy. They might only have known each other for three months, but Leo had been waiting all his life to have a friend who got him in the way that Theo clearly did. Nathan had been lucky to have had that in Will, and he couldn’t ever remember feeling bored in the school holidays as a result. Sometimes they’d fought like cat and dog, and taken things further than they would ever have done with someone they weren’t related to, but they’d never been bored or lonely. Poor Leo on the other hand couldn’t wait for the school holiday to be over.
‘I don’t understand why we can’t meet up, just because Theo’s dad has come to see him. Why can’t we do stuff together like we do with his mum?’ Leo turned what Nathan could only describe as puppy dog eyes in his direction and it was his turn to sigh.
‘I’m sorry, Leo, but we can’t do that. I know Theo’s mum, we went to school together, but I’ve never even met his dad, so I can’t just go round there and ask him if he wants to hang out.’ Nathan shook his head when his nephew started to protest. ‘Anyway, Theo’s dad probably wants to spend time on his own with him and Bella. He hasn’t seen them since the summer and he’s only here for a week, which is more than halfway over already.’
‘A week is ages.’ Leo’s bottom lip jutted out and Nathan was inclined to agree with him, because a week suddenly felt like a very long time indeed. When Rowan had explained the situation, he’d completely understood why she’d had to cancel getting together on the day James had suddenly turned up, but in the days that followed she’d cancelled more of their plans, even the things that had been arranged for after James had been due to move into the Airbnb.
‘He’s just not himself and I don’t want to leave him on his own with the kids. They’ve already had to see him turn up here in a terrible state and I know they’re worried about him. I’m not sure I trust him not to lean on them for emotional support they’re not old enough to give.’ Her voice on the phone had been barely more than a whisper, as if she wanted to ensure there was no way of anyone overhearing. ‘I’m really sorry, Nathan, and I’d much rather be keeping the plans we made, but you get it, don’t you?’
There’d been a note of desperation in her voice that he’d never heard before. He wished he could see her face in that moment, instead of talking on the phone, maybe then he’d have felt reassured that she was okay, but all he could do was ask the question and hope she’d answer him honestly.
‘Of course I get it and I’m not here to put any pressure on you, especially as we said we’d keep things between us light for now. I just want to make sure you’re all okay. It must be difficult seeing him again, after things ended… the way they did.’ He’d wanted to ask her about that more than once, but he had to respect the pace she felt able to move at. He’d told her the truth about the reasons why his marriage to Nicole had ended, but the truth was there were parts of his past he was holding back from Rowan, so he had no right to expect her to tell him everything. He knew that James had been involved with someone else, but that was the extent of the detail. It hurt to think she might not fully trust him yet, but he understood why. Rowan knew only too well that in a village like this gossip could spread like wildfire with plenty of embellishment along the way, and God knows what version Theo and Bella would end up hearing. He just had to respect her privacy until she decided she could trust him and maybe by then he’d be willing to trust her with the unfiltered version of his own story. Maybe.
‘I’m okay, but I’m not sure the kids are. Bella is barely talking to anyone because we ruined all the plans she had with Tiffany, and Theo is missing Leo like mad.’
‘Leo’s the same.’ He’d wanted to tell her he was missing her too, but she didn’t need any more pressure and he’d already promised himself he wouldn’t add to her burden. ‘I’m sure Bella will forgive you eventually and we can make it up to the boys once James has gone back to Membory Grange.’
‘Yes, he’ll be going back soon and then everything can get back to normal.’ The way she was saying it was almost as though the words had only just occurred to her.
‘If you need anything, you know where I am, and if Theo finds himself at a loose end at any point, all you have to do is give me a call.’
‘Okay, I will and thank you for being so understanding, see you soon.’
‘Yes, see you soon.’ Nathan had managed to stop himself from adding that he’d be ready to drop any plans he had if Rowan suddenly found herself free to meet up. Their plans had only been sidelined for a week and they hadn’t made each other any promises. It just felt weird because they’d been spending so much of their free time together, that was all, and because for some reason he couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that James’s visit was going to change everything. It meant he’d be every bit as glad as his nephew when half term was over, but it the meantime all he could do was try to make it a bit more fun for Leo.
‘So if you can’t see Theo, what’s the next best thing?’ Nathan looked across the kitchen. Will was standing behind his son, and he shook his head before Leo could even answer.
‘I’ve told him you can’t keep dropping everything to keep him entertained. You worked twelve-hour days most of last week so you could take some time off to make progress on the house this week.’ Will ruffled his son’s hair. ‘You know Mummy’s a bit tired at the moment, sweetheart, and that I’ve got to look after her, but Nanny will be back from her trip to Wales tomorrow and maybe we can go over to Tony and Marion’s for a swim later, but Uncle Nathan really needs to get on with his house or it will never get finished.’
‘I was planning to spend some time with Leo too, and I’ve had some of my own plans cancelled, so it’ll be good to take a break for a few hours,’ Nathan said, looking directly at his brother, who despite his earlier protestations seemed to slump in relief. Nathan might be tired from working long hours and then coming home to focus on the renovations whenever he wasn’t with Rowan, but Will looked absolutely wrung out. He’d told Nathan that Heather had started having terrible nightmares about something going wrong with the baby and it was obvious neither of them had been getting anything like the amount of sleep they needed before she arrived. Leo was due a visit to London to see another specialist soon too, where he’d undergo tests that would give them an up-to-date insight on the progress of his condition. The appointment had been weighing heavily on Nathan’s mind, so God knows how his brother and sister-in-law felt. He could tell without Will having to say anything when his brother was close to breaking point. He’d seen it before and the one time he hadn’t stepped in there’d been catastrophic consequences. Nathan had promised himself he’d never let that happen again. And no matter how hard it was to face it, they didn’t have forever with Leo. The only way Nathan could bear to live with that knowledge was to make the most of every opportunity he got. The renovations could definitely wait.
‘So where’s it going to be, kiddo? What can we do that will make being with me at least half as much fun as hanging out with Theo?’
‘Hmm, that’s going to be very hard.’ Leo grinned for the first time and Nathan felt another rush of love for his nephew. He was the best kid any of them could have asked for and then the thought hit him all over again that one day Leo wouldn’t be around. For a moment he forgot how to breathe, but he forced a smile as he waited for the little boy to make a decision. ‘Please can we go to the adventure park at Camel Creek?’
‘Definitely. Just give me fifteen minutes to grab a shower and we’ll get on the road.’ He gave his nephew a fist bump and locked eyes with his brother, who silently mouthed the words ‘thank you’ and Nathan shook his head. He didn’t want any thanks for the things he did for Leo, nothing he’d ever done had felt like a sacrifice. This amazing little boy had taught him what love really was, and no price would ever have been too much to pay.
* * *
Three and a half hours later both Nathan and Leo were ready for something to eat. They’d been at the family adventure park for over two hours and thanks to the accessibility arrangements, they’d been able to go on all of Leo’s favourite rides at least once.
