Page 41 of Letting Go of Yesterday
‘So why the insistence on sneaking around then? I get that you don’t want the children to know, when we’re still not sure what this is, but why the insistence on being so secretive with absolutely everyone? Just be honest with me, I can take it.’
Rowan signed. ‘Okay, maybe at first there was a part of me that didn’t want to be the person everyone was talking about again, just like they were after my parents’ messy divorce, but I’m over that now.’
It was his turn to raise his eyebrows. ‘In that case you’d have no problem with us going out for dinner this week, down by the harbour, where anybody could see us.’
‘I…’ She was hesitating again and he knew the answer before she even gave it. ‘I can’t yet. It’s James. If people saw us out together, there’d be even more speculation about why my marriage is over. I’m not ready for that question to be on everyone’s lips yet. There are things that need to be worked through and sorted out first, and conversations that need to be had with people who deserve to hear the truth from me and James. You and I being openly together would complicate that, but I just need a little bit more time.’
‘I wish I could believe you and I know you aren’t deliberately lying to me, but you are lying to yourself. Even if there is some reason tied up with James that means you can’t be open about being with me, you don’t trust me enough to tell me what it is. And the reason you don’t trust me is because of what I’ve done in the past. You don’t want the complication of being with someone like me and I don’t blame you, but I don’t want to wait around until you realise that, or pressure you to do something I know you don’t really want to do. Whatever is happening with James doesn’t matter, because there can’t ever really be anything between you and me. I wanted there to be, but I promised myself that when things ended with Nicole, I’d never put myself through something like that again. I don’t want to try and force a relationship with someone who doesn’t think I can move on from being the person who went to prison. I’m not the man who committed that crime, not any more, but I understand why sometimes I still have to pay for it.’
‘Nathan, please, it isn’t that, and if I could tell you everything and make you understand, I would, but I promised James that I’d wait until he’s ready.’ She couldn’t meet his eye for a moment and he felt like she was desperately trying to find some excuse for why they couldn’t take the next step. ‘There are things even the kids don’t know yet and it just feels wrong for me to share that with anyone outside the family until they do.’
Nathan sighed, trying not to feel envious of the fact she still considered James to be a part of her family. Of course he was and he always would be, because it was best for the children. Nathan understood that and it was something he completely supported, but he couldn’t have any kind of future with Rowan unless he thought there was a chance there might one day be space for him in that family too and now he knew there never would be. ‘Even if James is eventually ready for everything to be out in the open, I don’t think you ever really will be, not when it comes to being with me. But can we at least do the friends thing? Because I’d really hate to lose that, and for the boys to lose it too.’
‘That’s not what I want, it’s just the timing of all of this is…’
‘Off?’ He forced a smile that made his face ache. ‘We seem to specialise in our timing being off, and maybe it is the universe telling us that this is what we were supposed to be, just friends. I think that’s what we’re best at.’
‘Do you? Is that really what you want?’ She searched his face and it was his turn to lie.
‘Absolutely. So let’s do what friends do: have a cup of coffee in the kitchen and talk about our days. You can tell me how the Ofsted thing is going and I can tell you about how difficult it’s been to source the right shade of flooring for my client’s holiday cottage. Then you can look at the boys’ glorious artwork; it’s got aspects of Salvador Dali with a fair bit of David Attenborough thrown in.’
His laughter felt fractionally more genuine than his smile had been, as he turned and led the way down the hallway. It was a tiny step towards a future where he might really be able to think of Rowan as just a friend and to feel okay about that, and for now tiny steps were the best that he could hope for because this was not what he wanted. When he was with Rowan, it was as if he could see the future he’d always longed for and he couldn’t imagine ever finding that with someone else, mostly because he didn’t even want to try. He’d got through the toughest of times before and he’d have to find a way of doing it again; he had no choice but to try and get over her for a second time, no matter how impossible that might seem.
22
‘She’s beautiful, Will.’ Nathan didn’t even try to blink back the tears as he looked at his brother, before pulling him into a hug. ‘Absolutely beautiful.’
‘She is.’ When they eventually moved apart, Will had the same mixture of relief and joy on his face as Nathan felt. They were standing outside the hospital room where he’d just met his new niece, and where Heather was recovering from the C-section she’d ended up needing. ‘She’s absolutely perfect and when I held her in my arms for the first time, it made it feel like everything we’ve been through and all of the pain that caused won’t be for nothing any more. I love Leo with all my heart and I’d give anything to know he was going to be okay, but the chances are we’re going to lose him. It feels like the baby gives us something solid to hold on to, not just the hope of a miracle that probably won’t happen. Does that make me a terrible person?’
‘Of course it doesn’t.’ Nathan shook his head, his heart somehow breaking and flooding with happiness all at the same time. ‘It makes me feel like everything we’ve been through was all worth it too, but I’d have done it a hundred times over just to have whatever time we can with Leo, and I know you would too.’
‘I would, but I’m his father and it should have been me who made all the sacrifices. You’ve had to give up far more than I ever have.’
‘You can’t measure that sacrifice when it comes to Leo, because there’s nothing we wouldn’t do for him. All of that’s in the past anyway; today is for celebrating and we don’t need to keep going over old ground.’
‘We do when it affects the here and now.’ Will put a hand on his shoulder. ‘And don’t even try to tell me that it doesn’t, or that you don’t have feelings for Rowan Adams.’
‘Bellamy.’
‘She’ll always be Adams to me and I know she will to you too. She needs to know the truth. And so does Mum, and everyone else who matters to us. I can’t carry it any more, it feels like a burden that I’ll have to pay the price for eventually and I can’t risk karma. Not now the baby is here.’
‘Everyone knowing won’t change anything, except for the worst. Mum will still have a son who committed a crime, two if you count perjury and perverting the course of justice. And while Heather will almost certainly forgive you, do you really want to risk ending up in prison and leaving her and the baby? Or missing valuable time with Leo? That’s why we decided to do what we did in the first place. It was far better for me to say that I falsified the paperwork, I had much less to lose.’
‘That’s what I thought back then, but you had a lot more to lose than we thought: six months of your life, your reputation, and your wife.’
‘If Nicole had really loved me, she wouldn’t have left and the impact of you being locked up for six months would have been far greater. As for my reputation, what makes you think I don’t like being the bad boy?’
‘Because it cost you the person who might well have been the love of your life.’
‘I’ve already said that it proved Nicole didn’t really love me. She knew what the money that was taken was used for. It wasn’t like anyone jetted off on some fancy five-star holiday, even the judge said he wished he didn’t have to impose a custodial sentence.’
‘I’m not talking about Nicole, I’m talking about Rowan. And I don’t think I can live with myself knowing this has probably taken her from you too.’
‘You’ve got to.’ Nathan’s jaw was set in a firm line. ‘That’s your punishment; having to live with the consequences of what happened and that’s more than enough. If you suddenly confess now, all you’re going to do is hurt Heather, Leo, the baby and Mum, and we might both end up in prison this time.’
‘Nath—’
‘No, I mean it.’ He cut his brother off, his tone sharp. ‘If you do this, I might never be able to forgive you. It’s done, I served the time and that’s all that was needed, one of us had to take the punishment for the crime and we did.’
