Page 22 of Letting Go of Yesterday
‘Yes, sometimes we do, but I promised myself I’d do more than survive. That’s something else I owe Leo, to not give up on getting the things I really want out of life. If he can find a way to fly, then none of the rest of us have got any excuse.’
‘And what is it that you really want?’ Her words were almost a whisper and she wondered for a moment if they’d been lost on the wind, when he didn’t answer. His eyes were still fixed on the sea ahead of him when he finally spoke.
‘I want what Will and Heather have got: loving someone who loves you too and building a family together, that’s definitely the dream.’
‘It really is.’ She hadn’t meant to sound so wistful and she was grateful that the wind really had stolen her words this time. They must have done, because Nathan didn’t react to her reply. She didn’t want him to feel sorry for her, or to see the tears that had filled her eyes again at the realisation she’d never had that, despite having two children with James, and it was something she wanted one day, every bit as much as Nathan did.
12
‘Oh look Leo, Uncle Nath has obviously spent half an hour getting his hair right this morning for yourplay date.’ Will put air quotes around the last two words and laughed. ‘You must be worn out, Leo. I don’t think you’ve ever done as many activities as you have in the past few weeks. Of course it’s got nothing to do with the way your uncle Nath looks at a certain someone.’
‘Who?’ Leo furrowed his brow, clearly trying to work out the identity of this mystery person and Nathan decided to intervene before he made the connection. That was absolutely the last thing he wanted, his nephew telling Theo how much Nathan liked his mum. He could take any kind of ribbing his brother wanted to send his way, except this, because it was far too close to the truth. After the first time they’d taken the boys out on the boat together, he and Rowan had arranged a series of other get-togethers and Will wasn’t exaggerating when he said that Leo had never been so busy.
‘Your dad’s just talking about that really good surfer who’s down at the beach a lot. You know the one with the curly hair and the bright blue surfboard. I think his name’s Billy. Your dad knows I like watching his technique, so I can try and get as good at surfing as he is.’
‘No chance.’ Leo grinned. A seven-year-old’s directness could be brutal, but Nathan had to laugh. That was one of the many things he loved about his nephew, he never pulled any punches.
‘Why not?’
‘Because you’re too old and too…’ Leo thought for a moment, clearly searching for the right word. ‘Wobbly.’
‘I suppose I did ask and I’m not going to push my luck any further by asking what kind of wobbly you mean. I’m going to choose to assume that you mean when I’m standing on the surfboard.’ Nathan laughed again and so did Will.
‘Yeah, of course.’ Leo shrugged. ‘You’re okay at surfing and I like it when you teach me, but once I get better than you I’ll have to have lessons from someone who’s really good.’
‘You will, kid, you will.’ Nathan ruffled his nephew’s hair. They’d been doing adaptive surfing together since Leo was two years old and Nathan had been volunteering with a local organisation that supported children and adults with additional needs to experience surfing. There’d been a sticky patch after his time in prison when he hadn’t been sure if he’d be able to continue, because he no longer had a clear DBS check. Thankfully, in the end,Waves 4 Everyonehad allowed him to continue volunteering because the crime he’d been convicted of presented no risk to children or vulnerable adults. He’d hated the fact that the friends he’d made in the organisation had been forced to have those kinds of discussions about him and, even though none of them had ever said anything negative to his face, it still felt like they viewed him differently. Everyone else seemed to.
‘Do you think Theo will be good at surfing? He gets a bit worried about doing things sometimes and I don’t want him to get upset.’ Leo furrowed his brow again and Nathan suddenly felt as if his heart had doubled in size. This boy was incredible. He had so much to contend with, but he was worrying about his friend instead of himself and it struck Nathan for about the millionth time, that if more people were a bit like Leo the world would be a much better place.
‘We’re only going to take it easy today and let Theo see if he likes it or not, while the weather is still okay. This might be our last opportunity to go surfing this year.’ It was the first week of October and the Indian summer was still clinging on with the temperatures much warmer than usual for the time of year. Even so they’d be reliant on wetsuits to be able to get into the water. ‘If he does like it, next summer we can all go to Port Tremellien instead, the waves are much better there.’
‘All of you? Next summer?’ Will inclined his head and gave Nathan a knowing look. ‘Quite the long-term plan you’re making there, bro.’
‘Anything for my nephew and his best friend.’ Nathan attempted a neutral look but knew he hadn’t managed it. He would do anything for Leo, that much was true, but he had to admit it was more than that. He’d taken Leo out with Rowan and Theo at least twice a week for the past month, shouldering even more responsibility for his nephew than he normally would. Heather’s blood pressure had been raised at her last antenatal check and there was a worry about the baby not growing quite as much as expected. Will had tried to play it down, telling Nathan that the midwives didn’t think there was any major cause for concern, but he had seen the fear on his brother’s face. The two of them were working harder than ever to get contracts completed before the baby arrived and their mother had taken on more of the school drop-offs and pickups so that Heather could rest. But Nathan had been determined to do what he could too, picking Leo up twice a week and taking him out every Saturday, to give Will and Heather a break.
It was how that first invitation for Rowan and Theo to join them on the boat had snowballed into more of a regular thing. Despite how busy Rowan was in her new role, it was obvious her children’s happiness was her number one priority and she seemed delighted that the boys wanted to spend so much time together, even if it did mean her having to give up her Saturdays too, and at least one afternoon a week straight from school. It had crossed Nathan’s mind to say she didn’t need to come with them every time, but he knew she almost certainly wouldn’t allow her son to go out unsupervised with someone who had a criminal record. It would just have made things awkward to bring it up, and it seemed stupid to risk the arrangement when he liked having Rowan around as much as he did.
The first time they’d gone out on the boat together had been a huge success. Theo had been a bit anxious at first, and Leo had been the one to put him at ease. His nephew was happiest whenever he was on or near water and, if Nathan had believed in that kind of thing, he’d have sworn that Leo had been a seal or a dolphin in a former life, or maybe even an old sea captain. It made sense that he loved swimming, because it was something that was far less restricted by his muscular dystrophy than many other activities. But he was completely at home on a surfboard too, or out on the boat with the wind whipping around his face, sometimes making it almost impossible to talk. It was all about the freedom, Nathan supposed, and he completely understood that. The nights he’d spent locked up in a prison cell, longing to go outside just to look at the stars, were when he’d truly appreciated – for the first time – just how lucky he’d been to grow up in a place like Port Agnes, where all that freedom had been his for the taking. Now he wanted to give that same freedom to his nephew whenever he could and, even though Will was right about him wanting to spend time with Rowan, it was Leo who mattered the most. Leo had always mattered the most. That was why, even though he knew Rowan liked him too, there could never be anything between them. Even if she could have looked past all the downsides that would have accompanied getting involved with him, he couldn’t risk ruining the friendship the four of them had built up. It was far too important to Leo.
‘Are you going to go and say goodbye to Mum?’ Will looked at his son. ‘She’s on the sofa in the lounge and you know what it’s like when she sits down these days, she needs at least two people to help her up again!’
‘She looks like a giant football.’ Leo giggled at the mental image he’d created for himself.
‘She does, but just promise not to tell her that, okay.’ Will winked, waiting until Leo had manoeuvred his wheelchair through the kitchen door and had headed down the hallway, before turning towards his brother. ‘So come on then, whenareyou going to ask Rowan out, just the two of you, without the kids as an excuse to get together?’
‘Never. It’s not like that.’ Nathan kept his tone light, but Will knew him far too well.
‘Yes it is, and it always has been. You liked her for ages when we were at school and by all accounts she felt the same way. Now she’s back and you’re both single and you clearly still like each other – anyone can see that – so what’s the problem?’
‘She’s been badly hurt by whatever happened in her marriage. I don’t know the details and I’m not going to push her to find out, but whatever the reason I get the distinct feeling she doesn’t want to start dating.’ It was the truth, but there was more to it and Will knew that too.
‘You think she’ll turn you down because you went to prison, don’t you?’ Will’s jaw was rigid and this was exactly the conversation Nathan had wanted to avoid. There was no point going over this again, it wouldn’t change anything. He’d made his choice years before and he had to live with the consequences of that. Nathan had always known there’d be a price to pay and he’d never once doubted it was worth it. Although just lately the price had felt a lot higher, because Will was right, Rowan would never date him. The best he could hope for now was to be her friend, which would force him to watch from the sidelines when she did start to date again. Maybe it was for the best, that was what he was trying to tell himself; there was just too much to lose if it all went wrong. They got on so well when the four of them were doing things together, sometimes they’d be joined by Bella and her friend Tiffany too. The insights Rowan had into things and her way of looking at the world gave him a new perspective. They’d spoken about everything from their favourite music to their childhoods. The deepest conversations had come in quiet moments, like when they’d been heading back to Port Agnes on the boat, or while they sat watching the children playing, the day the boys were trying to launch a kite on the beach. They’d insisted they didn’t want any help, Leo was the brains and Theo was the muscle and it seemed to be a winning combination.
‘It must have been so nice to have a brother to do things with, especially with you and Will being so close in age. I’d have loved that.’ The wistful tone to Rowan’s voice would have given her away, even if her words hadn’t. ‘I hated being an only child. I love Charlie to bits, but he didn’t come along until my childhood was all but over and, even now, he feels more like a nephew than a brother. It’s different when you don’t grow up together.’
‘Yes, we were lucky, we got a built-in playmate and best buddy. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him and I know he feels the same.’ Nathan had paused for a moment, a memory he’d kept locked away trying to resurface, but he pushed it back down again. That wasn’t a story he could share, but there were plenty he could. ‘Despite how well we got on most of the time, we had some pretty epic fights too and some of the jokes went a bit too far, like when I superglued the side of his head to the car window.’
‘Should I even ask?’ Rowan was even more beautiful when she smiled and that’s when she looked most like the carefree girl he’d known all those years ago, before life had layered on the kind of worries that it inevitably did. He’d found himself hoping that being in Cornwall would help bring her old smile back bit by bit, and he was determined to do whatever he could to help that process along.
