Page 23 of Letting Go of Yesterday
‘Will always fell asleep on long car journeys. He’d lean his head against the window and it didn’t matter how bumpy the road was or how many twists and turns there were, nothing woke him up. It used to drive me mad, because I’d be bored stiff, wanting to talk or play some stupid game, and he’d just be sleeping. So I squeezed the best part of a tube of superglue on the inside of the window, just before we set off and as soon as Will leant his head against the window, he realised something wasn’t right.’
‘Oh my God, what happened?’
‘A bald patch the size of a two-pound coin for Will, a month’s grounding for me and a punch in the guts when he eventually got free. But that’s brotherly love for you.’ They’d both laughed and then Nathan had turned to look at her. ‘Maybe it’s just as well I haven’t had any kids of my own; God knows what kind of monsters I’d have created.’
‘From what I’ve seen with Leo, you’d have made a great dad and you’ve still got time to meet someone you want to start a family with.’ She’d held his gaze for a moment and then she’d broken into another one of those disarming smiles. ‘Just make sure the strongest glue you have in the house is a Pritt Stick!’
All he’d intended to do was share a funny anecdote, but Rowan had still managed to challenge his thinking about what the future might hold. He’d almost come to terms with the fact that he wouldn’t be a father, but he’d never really asked himself why he’d drawn such a line under the possibility when he’d gone to prison. Nathan had allowed it to become the full stop to so many aspects of his life. He’d sold the home he’d worked so hard to create when he’d split with Nicole, all the plans they’d had for starting a family walking out of the door with her. When they’d got married, he couldn’t ever have imagined this would be his future, or that he’d be happier now, in the building site he called home, than he’d ever been with her. When Nicole had decided to leave while he was still waiting to be sentenced, Nathan hadn’t been sure how he could possibly be happy again, but then he realised he didn’t miss her the way he should and he knew she’d made the right decision for both of them.
What was that saying? That life happens when you’re busy making plans. It certainly had to Nathan, and just because there was no longer a plan set out for having children, it didn’t mean that it couldn’t still happen one day. It was just one of the things his conversations with Rowan had helped him to realise and he’d come to value her friendship in the last few weeks more than he’d ever have imagined possible. They might have been thrown together by her desire to help her son settle into a new life in Port Agnes, and the amount of responsibility he had taken on for Leo with Heather so close to having the baby, but whatever the reasons a friendship of their own had undeniably grown out of it.
‘Did you hear what I said, or are you just ignoring me because you don’t think I’ll like the answer to my question? You think she’d never go out with you because you’ve been to prison, don’t you?’ Will had been waiting for a response and he wasn’t going to let him off the hook.
Nathan shook his head. ‘It’s not even something I think about, because I’m never going to ask her out. I value her friendship far too much for that. So stop worrying. We said we wouldn’t keep raking over this.’
‘I know, but if you hadn’t gone to prison, things would have been so different and it feels so wrong that no one but us knows the whole story, not even Heather or Mum.’
‘We agreed that was the best solution for everyone and nothing has changed to convince me otherwise.’
‘The best solution for everyone but you. You were the one who lost everything and it’s not right that no one knows why.’ Will swallowed hard enough for Nathan to hear it, and he reached out and squeezed his brother’s shoulder.
‘I’m happy, Will, I promise you that. Nicole showed me who she really was, and I love how the byre is shaping up. The house I had before was her dream home, not mine. This time it’s going to be all me and my back garden is the place where we used to camp out as kids. The only downside is the neighbours.’ He grinned and Will’s face finally seemed to relax.
‘Yeah, sorry, we’re a lot to put up with and we’ll be throwing a crying baby into the mix soon too.’
‘I can’t wait.’ Nathan already knew just how much he was going to love the new addition to the family, because the bond he had with Leo was something he felt right to his core. It made the consequences of the crime that had been committed worth it a thousand times over, no matter what they continued to be.
* * *
Rowan wasn’t sure she’d ever felt quite so physically tired, but it was a state of almost blissful exhaustion. When Nathan had suggested that she and the kids join him and Leo at aWaves 4 Everyoneactivity, she hadn’t expected to end up trying surfing herself, much less discovering she had a bit of a talent for it. Growing up on the Cornish Coast, sheshouldhave tried surfing years ago, but back then Rowan had far too often missed out altogether rather than risking making a fool of herself. She was still that person in some ways, but it was funny how having children could force you to override so many of your own insecurities for their sake and that was exactly why she’d ended up finally giving surfing a go.
‘Everyone is going to laugh when I fall off. I don’t want to do it.’ Theo had clung to her side, looking every bit as anxious and upset as he had on the day she’d found him clinging to the tree on the edge of the school playground. His friendship with Leo had done so much to help, but all those insecurities didn’t just disappear overnight. The end of her relationship with James had clearly had a profound effect on their sensitive little boy and it didn’t help that there were some children in his class who seemed to have an innate ability to hone in on his anxiety and do and say whatever they could to make it worse. There were some of the children from the school down on the beach with their families, making the most of the last days of unexpected sunshine and it had completely thrown Theo, who had decided he wasn’t going into the water now that they were here. In that moment, Rowan had made a decision.
‘No one is going to laugh at you, they’ll all be far too busy laughing at me. What’s funnier than seeing the headteacher fall face first into the sea?’
Within minutes she’d squeezed herself into a borrowed wetsuit and her first few attempts to stay on the surfboard had ended up exactly how she’d expected. She’d been able to hear the laughter of people on the beach, but she hadn’t cared a bit, because one of the people laughing had been Theo. It was Nathan who’d eventually helped her to stay on the board and, once she’d got the hang of it, she’d found it far easier than she’d ever have thought. The most disconcerting part of the process had been when Nathan had held her a couple of times to help steady her, and her body had reacted to his touch in a way she was glad no one but her would ever realise. It had been so different to when James touched her. If he’d helped her in that situation, all she’d have felt was a steadying hand and relief that she might not be about to fall again. When Nathan had held her, it was as though he was touching every part of her, her nerve endings tingling in response, and there’d been a physical ache when he’d let go again because that brief instance of his hands on her body hadn’t been enough. She had to put it down to the lack of intimacy she’d had with James for so long making her vulnerable to every little thing. Rowan couldn’t accept that it was all about Nathan, because if she did she’d be travelling back down that dangerous path she was determined to avoid.
Theo had eventually taken to the water too and had ended up loving it just as much as his mum. Leo was a superstar, who’d clearly been doing this a long time, and even though he couldn’t stand on the board, it was clear just how much joy it brought him to be in the water, taking part in an activity he loved. Nathan was endlessly patient with everyone, making them laugh when they were nervous or if they got things wrong. The way he treated people and made everyone feel at ease was the most attractive thing about him, which said a lot given just how good he looked in a wetsuit. He looked pretty good now too, as she crossed the garden towards where he was sitting, his face illuminated by the glow of the fire pit in front of him.
‘Are the kids okay?’ Nathan looked up at her and she couldn’t help thinking how nice the words sounded, almost as if he was talking about their family together.
‘Yes, they’re all watchingWonkafor the umpteenth time, and Bluey is stretched out on Leo’s lap, of course. That dog never wants to be anywhere else when Leo is around.’ They were looking after Bluey for her mum and Dean, who were away at a spa hotel in Dorset for the weekend. Tiffany had come along to have a sleepover with Bella, and Rowan had asked Nathan and Leo if they wanted to come back for a takeaway too, as a thank you for the surf lessons. The cottage they were renting had bifold doors from the garden to the open-plan living area, which made access easy for Leo’s wheelchair and it was one of the reasons she’d enquired with the landlord about extending their lease.
Everyone had been ravenous after an afternoon in the water and the takeaway had been demolished in less than twenty minutes. After dinner the children had asked if they could watch a movie, with Bella taking charge of gathering together enough snacks to feed a small army.
‘You’re not going to watch it too, are you?’ She’d wrinkled her nose at the sight of her mother and Nathan still hanging around as the film was about to start. ‘You keep saying you’re going to try out the fire pit.’
It was a none-too-subtle hint from her daughter, who she was now absolutely convinced was a thirty-year-old trapped in a ten-year-old’s body, but Nathan had smiled and said it sounded like a lovely idea. So now here they were, outside on their own, sitting under a blanket of stars in the flickering light of a fire pit. It couldn’t have been more romantic and the idea terrified Rowan, mostly because she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about what it would be like to kiss Nathan again, ever since he’d come back into her life.
‘Leo loves Bluey so much. I keep thinking I should take the plunge again, but losing my last dog really broke me up.’
‘I’m so sorry you lost your dog and I really understand what you mean. We had a therapy dog at Membory Grange. It was an idea I introduced shortly after I took over as head. So many of the kids who become boarders at a young age struggle and, for the really young ones, it’s almost like an attachment disorder. So I thought getting Basil would help. He was a cross between a Poodle and a Jack Russell, and he loved the kids as much as they loved him. I’m sure he heard more of their problems than the school therapist, and the truth is I loved him too. I cried into his fur when my marriage was breaking down and I feel guilty for leaving him behind. I just hope he doesn’t think I’ve abandoned him.’
‘I’m sure he doesn’t, but I feel like that’s what I did to Chester. I took him everywhere and he was my shadow his whole life, then overnight I disappeared. I went to prison and that was hard for everyone. I thought the worry might kill Mum, and I know it really upset Leo that I wasn’t around. All of that was way harder to contend with than the sentence itself, but at least they understood where I’d gone and that I’d be back eventually. Chester didn’t understand that. Nobody could explain it to him, and he died while I was in prison. His kidneys had been failing, but he was doing okay until I just suddenly disappeared and then he went downhill really quickly. It was almost as if he decided life wasn’t worth living any more. I did that to him. The choices I made broke my mother’s heart and made Leo sad, but my biggest guilt is the fact that Chester thought I’d just walked out of his life. He’d been my constant companion for well over a decade and then one day I just wasn’t there any more.’
‘It wasn’t your fault and I’m sure your family would have given Chester the very best care.’ The stinging sensation in Rowan’s eyes had nothing to do with the heat from the fire pit. Tears were prickling, but she couldn’t allow them to fall. Nathan carried so much guilt, and she had no doubt now that he deserved the right to move on, but his sentence had left scars no one could see. She just wished she could find the words to make that better.
‘I know they did, but I loved him so much, probably more than it’s sensible for anyone to love a dog, given that the chances are they aren’t going to be around for long. But it’s so difficult not to let them get under your skin, when they know how to be loyal and loving in a way that not a lot of people do. So it’s hard to risk putting my heart on the line like that again, you know?’
