Page 151 of My Heart's Doctor
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“I’m sorry, I truly am sorry that you’re so unhappy. I hope someday you can find some compassion and love in your heart; perhaps that day you’ll achieve some peace. The wounds I have will no longer bleed, they’ve healed forever because I don’t feel guilty for your unhappiness. Goodbye, Mom, believe it or not, I hope you manage to be happy.”
She ended the call and I heard her sob. Devon was absolutely amazing. I couldn’t stand it anymore and went to the couch where she was sitting and hugged her. I did it in silence, just to let her know that I was there for her and would always be.
Chapter 26
“Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”
—Emily Brontë, “Wuthering Heights”
Devon
When I made sure that William was sound asleep, I got up and went to the living room. I had something pending and until I resolved it, I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I took my phone from my purse and sat on the couch, looking at the little device with caution, but with determination. After what William had told me about my mother’s call, I knew I had to talk to her. I needed to close that wound and remove her from my life forever. She didn’t want me in her life, so why continue insisting and begging for a feeling she would never have for me. My heart was tired. Possibly, when I felt the strength of William’s unconditional love, I realized that I deserved to be loved, I realized that I deserved to be valued and that I was capable of inspiring those feelings in a person, or in many. Because Aurora also loved me, she loved me like a mother, my friends also cared for me, they offered me their absolute friendship, and I loved them all and my heart was so big that it had the capacity to continue loving. However, although my mother might be able to count on me because she was still my mother, I was no longer going to insist on being part of her life; now I was the one who wanted her out of my life. Throughout my life, I had been begging for her affection, her approval, her respect. I had never had any of that. I wasn’t going to continue with that painweighing me down; now I was surrounded by love and it was time to let go.
I called her number with determination.
“I hope you’re calling to tell me that you’re with Lino and that you’ve abandoned the ridiculous idea of marrying that other rude man,” she said, as soon as she answered.
I sighed tiredly.
“How are you, mom?”
“Because of you, I’m not well, you don’t give me a moment’s peace. I found out from Lino that you were going to marry a man I don’t know and who apparently has a daughter. Have you gone crazy?”
“Yes, you’re right. I’ve gone crazy, crazy in love with them. They are my family and I love them with all my heart, just as they love me.”
“I assume this is a joke. Put Lino on the phone immediately,” she ordered, raising her voice.
“There’s no need to shout, I can hear you very well. I’ve always heard you very well. Lino isn’t with me; he’ll probably spend tonight in jail and we’ll see what happens tomorrow.”
“Whaaaat? What did you do to poor Lino?”
“Nothing he didn’t deserve. But let’s drop the act and the lies, mom. I know you were involved in this whole charade that Lino had devised.”
“Charade? You call the love Lino feels for you a charade? Do you realize he was willing to overlook the fact that you’re useless and can’t give him a child? You’ll never be a mother,” she pointed out, with the contemptuous air she always had.
“Don’t be mistaken, one isn’t a mother simply by conceiving a child. You did that but were incapable of behaving likeone; you’re incapable of loving because all you think about is yourself.”
“Are you listening to yourself, you ungrateful wretch?! What didn’t I do for you?” she exclaimed, furious.
“Why do you hate me so much, mom? Let’s be honest, be truthful with me for once in your life. From now on, I’m no longer going to be part of your life or my sister’s because it’s evident that’s what you want; I assure you we won’t see each other again, but for once in your life be honest with me and tell me what I did to make you hate me so much,” I demanded, almost like a plea.
“It’s true. I don’t want you in my life, I never did. Because of you, I had to marry your father, that good-for-nothing, a mediocre man who only gave me a life as insignificant as he was. I deserved another life, but you came along to ruin my plans. You want the truth? Well, I’ll tell you the truth. I wanted to abort you, I didn’t want you to be born, but my father forced me to have you and to get married. Without you, I would have had a wonderful life,” she stated, as if lamenting.
So that was it. She had gotten pregnant and they had forced her to have me. I understood that she would never feel anything good for me, no matter how much I disagreed with her behavior, I knew she would always despise me. I don’t know where I found the strength to speak, because the pain I felt was immense.
“I can understand that my pregnancy was unwanted, but I didn’t ask to be born. If you didn’t want to marry my father, you shouldn’t have done it. I also don’t think I’m to blame for you giving up your dreams. All your sacrifices were by your own choice,” I said, because she wasn’t a child when she got pregnant with me; she could have rebelled and done what she wanted.
“I just told you they forced me because of you! My whole life I’ve been unhappy because of you. You are a disgrace in my life.”
“I’m sorry, I truly am sorry that you’re so unhappy. I hope someday you can find some compassion and love in your heart; perhaps that day you’ll achieve some peace. The wounds I have will no longer bleed; they have healed forever because I don’t feel guilty for your unhappiness. Goodbye, mom, believe it or not, I hope you find happiness.”
I ended the call and could no longer hold back my tears. Although my mother had always had contemptuous and hurtful comments toward me, hearing everything she had said caused me immense pain. I covered my face with my hands and cried, but warm, protective, strong, and secure arms surrounded me, making me feel loved. I pressed myself against him as much as I could, seeking his warmth, seeking that calm and that tenderness that only he provided. William was holding me firmly against him, and I knew that there I was safe.
After several minutes in which he let me cry without saying anything, he moved away a few inches and wiped my tears with delicate caresses.
“Are you feeling better?” he asked, concerned.
