Page 152 of Until We Burn
She takes in my words with a simple nod of her head and a hint of gratitude in her eyes. “Thanks, Diana.”
I offer her a small smile before I turn back to my duties and flip the agenda open to today’s list of tasks. My eyes widen.
God.Was the Howler always this busy?
There are feature stories on scholars in residence, approving newspaper events, and special editions.
The squeak of Andrea’s wagon wheels suddenly grinds to a halt.
“I’m sorry.”
Surprise catches me off guard. I blink up at her. That familiar, stifled resentment on her face is gone. Only genuine regret stares back at me as she says, “I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you all these years. I was jealous and insecure, and I took it out on you when I shouldn’t have.”
At this point, I can barely comprehend half the things that are happening to me. But through the confusion, a flicker of hope shines through from Andrea’s apology. “I appreciate that.”
She finally heads off, leaving me alone in my office at last. I dive into the first task on the list except my focus is broken up by pieces of our conversation. Andrea’s struggle with regret, perfectionism, and exhaustion uproots the ground under my feet. For so long, I believedimpressing people and living up to expectations would make me happy. But none of it has been about my happiness. Everything I’ve done has been for bàba and my family that it makes me wonder how long will it be before I lose myself the way Andrea lost herself? How long will it be before I’m drowning and dying from a life that looks admirable to everyone else, but feels utterly soul-crushing to me?
CHAPTER 61
KAI
I’ve never beenin a locker room this quiet.
Not exactly quiet in sound. But quiet in feeling. Music blasts from Luke’s Bluetooth speakers, except no one talks to each other in the guest locker room at the Valdis Arena. Not even when Luke’s playlist veers from Travis Scott to Taylor Swift. No one teases him. We all shove ourselves into our gear and quietly lace up side by side.
I strap on my shin pads. My fingers shake, and there’s a pinch in my chest that makes my breath push out in shallow heaves. I shut my eyes.
You’re fine. You’re okay. This is just a bad period for the team. We’ll get through this. We’ll win our games. Wallace will be out of the hospital. Luke will be Luke again.
Everything is going to be fine.
I force my thoughts onto strapping and shrugging on my gear.
“Socks go on,” I mutter. “Then we’re putting on our pants.”
But the panic edges closer like a wave, and I’m too fucking exhausted to stop it from swallowing me up. Everything is falling apart right now, and I don’t know how to make sense of the ruins at my feet: Seeing Wallace collapsed, bruised and bloody on the ice;stepping into the locker room and seeing our jerseys slashed to pieces; losing Diana without a chance to get her back.
What made it all worse was the argument I had with my parents last night.
“It’s been three years, Kainoa, and you’re halfway through your senior year.”
“I know, mama.”
“Maybe…” She shakes her head. “I don’t know, maybe it’s time for you to give it up.”
“No, I’m not going to give it up,” I push back. If there’s any chance of convincing the Vancouver Phoenix that I’m worth recruiting, then I’ll do it. “I’ve worked too hard to do that.”
“I know you have, but sometimes what we want isn’t always what’s meant to be,” Papa reasons. “That’s why it’s a good idea to talk about how you can help out the family business.”
My patience snaps and the words fire out before I can even comprehend them.
“You try to say you’re helping me, but I know you’re only doing it because you want papau’s approval. It sucks and I’m sorry that he doesn’t see you’re good enough for mama. But the fact that papau can’t accept you is not my responsibility! It should have never been my responsibility!”
Since then, I’ve grown to accept that my parents will never support what I want to do and if that’s the case, this is a path I’ll have to walk down without them.
The thought makes me break out in a cold sweat.
“Oh, fuck no.”
