Page 72 of Unexpected Forever
Me: *eyeroll emoji*
Me: The baby either comes out of my hooha or they fillet me like a fish.
Me: Neither one of those is an option. So, in she stays.
Megan: Awww! You think it’s a girl??
Megan: *gif of little girl jumping up and down*
Me: MEGAN! PAY ATTENTION! What am I going to do???
Megan: Ummmm…have the baby?!
Me: I curse the day I ever saw your brother’s grin.
Megan: Stop or I’ll give you a play by play of how Aidan and I made use of his handcuffs again.
Me: *Vomit emoji*
Me: Fine. I won’t talk about it.
Me: Wait…again?! No, no. I don’t want to know anything about my brother’s junk. Ew.
Megan: Can’t they give you drugs or something that will make you not feel it?
Me: Yeah, but I also read that sometimes they can’t give the epidural. Like if the baby comes too fast or something.
Megan: I’m sure they can give you something to help.
Me: OMG
Megan: What now?
Me: It says here that I have to figure out if I want an enema or not before delivery.
Megan: Why would you need a…oh.
Me: Is this saying I could shit myself?! Oh my God! As if it isn’t bad enough for my vagina to be out there for the world to see, I could shit myself during delivery?!
Megan:…
Me: That’s it. Yep, she’s definitely staying in there.
Me: Seriously, Megan, I’m scared.What if I suck at being a mom? I just want to do right by this baby. It wasn’t expected, but now that it’s happened, I just want to be as good of a mom as mine was.
Megan: Girl, you’re not going to suck at being a mom. You’re going to kick ass!! I mean, you had some amazing role models. Your mom, your aunts. They’re all badasses. And so are you. And I think it’s normal for a first time mom to be scared.
Me: I haven’t been around a lot of kids in my life. Especially babies. What if I don’t know how to hold it? What if I drop it on its head??
Me: I’ll traumatize the kid for life. She’ll end up a goofball like Del.
Megan: It wouldn’t be so bad for your kid to end up like Uncle Del.
Me: OMG. It just hit me that he’s going to be an Uncle. And so are Noah and Aidan.
Me: And Grace and Amelia are going to be aunts!
Me: Oh crap. I better keep this girl away from Ame. She’ll have her flirting from the stroller inside a month if I’m not careful.
