Page 58 of Embers in Our Souls
“Unimaginable?” I stop in my tracks. “Funny, because I experienced a loss just like that shortly after you did. The thing is I didn’t get the choice to push someone I cared for away because he had already pushed me away. I was alone. I could have really used a shoulder to cry on, but instead, you had made the decision for me and left me.”
That shuts him up, so I continue, “You know, Tyler, I’m sympathetic to the fact you suffered with Georgie’s death, but you aren’t really doing a good job explaining why you did it in this way. Why not just be honest in the letter? I mean, why go through the lengths of an elaborate lie? You didn’t think I could handle it? You thought I would be so lovestruck that I’d keep coming after you?”
I bark out a laugh, but it lacks any humor.
“I guess I just wanted to solidify the fact that you wouldn’t keep writing or something,” he says. “I mean, I wanted you far away from me. You have to understand. I wasn’t myself, Indy. Iwasn’t thinking straight. I didn’t want something to happen to me while we were still doing this whole letter writing thing. Then what if you were left with having to deal with my remains? I saw what that did to Georgie’s family. It broke them, Indy.” He stands, the destruction evident on his face.
“I mean, I was at his funeral and it nearly broke me. I almost hopped on a plane to Chicago right then, but I thought I’d chicken out if I did this face-to-face, so I opted for a letter instead. I knew it would be the easiest way to see it through. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t on the receiving end of bad news like Jerry and Scarlet were. Because that funeral was fucking awful.” He hangs his head and I see the defeat in his posture.
“So, you speak for me now? You can predict how I’d react? Plus, isn’t that something we should have talked about first? I mean, I’m old enough to understand how to handle it. And I was mature enough then. But that letter simply took all the good things you brought into my life and burned them to the ground, Ty. Don’t you see that?” I hold back a sob.
“It tarnished everything. That letter”—I point to the letter he’s now holding in his hands— “didn’t help me move on, it obliterated my ability to love anyone else. You were the mold for me when it came to love. Then you became the kiln for all the trust issues I developed; I didn’t want to try with anyone else after you. I simply lost the recipe and gave up. Add in the fact I lost my brother shortly after you walked away from what we had built together and I was completely broken. There’s no way I could endure the possibility of losing people in my life again. I didn’t just build walls around my heart—I built a fucking armed fortress around it.”
His eyes lock on mine and he watches me, his Adam’s apple bobbing. The emotion grows thicker as we continue hashing out the lengths of this letter.
“I thought I was helping you, Indy. I swear, I thought it was for the best. I was in a bad place. Then after I got out of the Army, I got therapy and realized I was suffering from PTSD. My behavior was a defense mechanism. I worked on myself, opening my eyes to the fact I made decisions I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. If I could change things, I would. Your feelings are valid. Being mad at me, the way you’re looking at me… fuck! It’s gutting me right now. But I get it. I deserve it.”
He hangs his head, and I have to hold myself back from going over there and comforting him. But there’s also this part of me that’s furious right now. For six years I’ve sat here, relentlessly nitpicking over that letter, wondering what I could have done to push him away. I thought I had done something wrong to cause this huge shift between us. My love for this man in front of me was overwhelming, to the point where I felt the air in my lungs nearly collapse as I read his words on that fateful day. To now be standing here, learning that it was all a farce; I’m shaken by the turn of events.
He has no idea how I’m feeling inside. If he thinks I’m looking at him with pain in my expression, he only knows the half of it. The lengths to which his actions broke me after I got that letter and the months and years that followed were hard to overcome. The way my whole life crumbled afterwards has taken so long to recover from.
“Tyler—you have no idea the aftermath of your actions. The way I’ve had to find the self-confidence in a relationship again is something I will never be able to explain to you.” I don’t even know if it’s worth admitting that I never truly recovered from the blow of that letter.
He continues to hang his head, weaving his fingers through his hair. “Indy, I was an asshole, okay?”
“No, not okay!” I yell, standing up, throwing my arms out.
Tyler flinches. I surprise myself with my raised voice, but how can he simply act like this is something I can just listen to and push aside? Not all is forgiven after the explanation he’s given me.
I take a deep breath and try to settle myself before I open my mouth to speak again.
“Listen, Ty, I understand you were going through something and I appreciate how hard it was for you. I’m so sorry you lost Georgie. I know, from the letters you wrote, how much he meant to you. Hell, it breaks my heart that you suffered and you didn’t trust our connection enough to simply come to me and let yourself go through that with me. I would think—” I bring my hands to my hips and look up at my ceiling. “No, I know I would have stood by you, no matter what turmoil you were going through.”
I feel that lump in my throat forming and I push it down. I will not let my emotions push forward. I need to get through this without crying. I’ve waited too long to say my piece, just like Tyler.
“But you hurt me too. Your actions had many consequences. I’m not going to just let you sit there and tell me you were suffering and let my pain go unnoticed. You took the time to write those words and send that letter, and said to hell with my feelings. Not only that, you recovered later and never took the time to come back to explain yourself. You just carried on. No matter how I look at this, you just come off selfish in my opinion.” I feel that traitorous tear slide down my cheek and I’m quick to swipe at it with the back of my hand.
“Indy, that’s not at all what happened. My best friend—my brother—was shot mere feet away from me, in the spot I had just been sitting in. It should have been me. For some time, all I thought about was how that bullet was meant for me. I wasn’tin my right mind, I was in no place to be making life-altering decisions.
“By the time I understood what was going on with me, I felt like you had moved on with your life. I didn’t want to risk opening up all these emotions again, especially if you had made a life for yourself. I didn’t deserve any more of your time.” Tyler’s standing and I can see he’s pleading with his expression, but he makes no effort to move closer to me, probably scared I’ll reject the proximity.
“So, you had no problem breaking my heart, but you were hesitant to make amends? That makes no sense, Ty. It seems you wanted a clean break, then you could fuck whomever you wanted,” I bite back. The moment I say it, I see his stunned expression. I sound like a jealous wife now. Honestly, I don’t even care.
I know why I say it, because it was one of the million things that passed through my thoughts throughout the years. I always wondered if he just wanted to sew his wild oats and I was holding him back.
Seeing him again and realizing he is an internet sensation had my mind running rampant. I know he gained popularity on his social media account after returning from his time in the Army, or so Kalli told me. That morsel of information has sat with me for the last few weeks, and now that I’m piecing everything together, I’m starting to wonder yet again if that’s a piece of the puzzle. Maybe being with me was just too inconvenient.
“Is that what you really think?” he asks.
“Honestly, Tyler, I really don’t feel like I know you. I thought I loved you after years of writing you. I thought I knew you. Letter after letter felt like a piece of your soul was being given to me. But, if you could tell a lie so easily in that last letter maybe you were just feeding me lies all along; telling me what I wantedto hear so you could have a place to come for a weekend off. I don’t know what to believe anymore. Thanks to you, I barely know what’s right from wrong. I question my instincts when it comes to love, especially when it comes to you. The only thing I know is my brother’s dead, you chose to leave me, and my world is Noah now.”
I wrap my arms around my waist, the vulnerability in this moment feels like it’s mounting over my shoulders.
“Indiana, you can’t really think you don’t know me,” Tyler pleads. “Everything, aside from that last letter, was all true. That weekend we shared together six years ago was me. My lo?—”
“Don’t you dare say those words to me. If you couldn’t say it then, don’t you even think of breathing those words now,” I point at him.
Now I can’t keep the tears from falling freely down my cheeks. “This was a mistake. I can’t do this.” I hang my head and sigh.
