Page 57 of Embers in Our Souls
“Let me rephrase, Tyler. Because for you, what was apparently a lie, what was written as a result of pain; something that was numbing, and an emotional reaction; you’re telling me this letter is something I should ignore? Because this letter set me off on a new path in my life. It launched my heart into a new direction.”
She throws the letter in my direction and it falls at my feet. I see my writing staring back at me. I look down at it; the personI was when I wrote it feels like someone else, it seems to me like that was a lifetime ago; yet I know, to her, it probably feels like yesterday. I grab the paper, which looks worn, as if she’s reread it a million times. It tugs at my heart, the thought of her holding this page in her hand, doing exactly that. I pull my gaze back to meet hers.
She continues, “I haven’t been the same since the day I walked to my mailbox to find that envelope waiting for me. I have never looked in the mirror and seen the carefree person that once existed before receiving that letter. You did that, Tyler. You cut that version of myself out of my life. So now you sit here and tell me to listen to your words and accept them as the truth? Give me one good reason why?”
CHAPTER 29
Tyler
5 YEARS AGO
January 25, 2020
Indiana,
Things have shifted a lot around here and I’ll admit, I’ve changed along with that. I’m no longer feeling the same about things as I was before. I think that after so many years being far apart, I’m realizing we are doing a huge disservice to one another. And recently, things have evolved.
You deserve to live a life where you have a connection to someone, and so do I. As much as what we had growing between us was special, and I’ll admit, I was hopeful we could see things flourish into something more once I was back in the States, my heart has shifted.
When away for a weekend, I met someone. We hit it off, and one thing led to another. It happened and it was out of my control. I don’t know how to explain it, andit wouldn’t be fair for us to continue what we have going on, even emotionally, when I have feelings growing for someone else. I have to put a stop to our letters.
We knew that this connection we started was all a farce. You have an entire life, a career you’re building in Chicago. This marriage is one you needed, and I don’t fit into that life you’re living. I know you mentioned the insurance has been better than the one you’d receive through your current job, so please continue on it for as long as you need.
We had this incredible physical connection—I mean, the sex was intense—it was what we both needed. It really scratched the itch we had growing between us. But I think we both knew it was all this could be. I don’t think we ever expected our relationship to go beyond the physical aspect, but we were too afraid to admit it.
Emotionally, I can’t, in good conscience, continue doing this with you and these letters anymore. It wouldn’t be fair for either of us. This has to be the last exchange between us. I hope you know what an incredible support you’ve been for me throughout the years, giving me the ability to feel cared for as I’ve felt seen on my loneliest nights while deployed.
Once you’re ready, send divorce papers and I’ll sign them. I understand if you’re mad, you have every rightto be. My heart is no longer invested in that way and you should find someone to love and cherish you in the way you deserve. You deserve more than me.
Take care of yourself.
Tyler
CHAPTER 30
Indiana
I’m shaking.The emotions I’ve been feeling are overpowering as I learn the truth Tyler is confessing. I’m simply staring at him, in utter shock.
“The only true parts of that letter were that something special was blooming between us, and that things had shifted for me emotionally. My feelings toward you never wavered, but I was a mess inside,” he explains.
I’ve gone silent. I don’t think I can speak, the only thing I want to do right now is scream. I want to rip my hair out and I want to yell at Tyler for being such an idiot. Because he burned everything we had built together to the ground.
“Indy, say something,” Tyler urges, eyes pleading with me.
He shut down, plain and simple. I get it. He had lost his friend in the worst way—right in front of his eyes. I understand it was traumatic, and I won’t even pretend to understand how that feels. But how did he go from losing Georgie to writing me that letter? How did he think that was the solution? And why did he wait this long to talk to me about this?
“I can practically hear you thinking from here,” he tries again. I can hear the frustration in his tone.
I nearly grind my molars. He’s been sitting with this information since the day he wrote me that letter, yet I’ve had minutes to process it. He needs to be more patient. Give me a fucking moment.
“I know you’re mad—” he begins a third time, but I interrupt him.
“Mad? No, I’m not fucking mad, Tyler. I’m furious. I’m disappointed. I’m so angry, I want to throw something. I’m so full of emotion, it feels like my heart is going to burst out of my chest.” I stand from my spot on the couch, unable to sit still. I begin pacing the living room, moving my fingers through my hair.
“I get you were upset with Georgie’s passing. I get you two had this special bond and losing him must have felt like losing a piece of yourself,” I say.
“It was an unimaginable loss,” he says.
