Page 26 of Embers in Our Souls
I return to my bed and dump the contents on the mattress. I haven’t opened it in years. I still remember the last time I closed all my journals inside, promising myself I wouldn’t look back. As if I would unlock all the pain if I simply tipped the lid open slightly.
But I feel compelled to revisit my words, just for old time’s sake. Apparently, I’m a glutton for punishment.
Riffling through the papers, I see other things, like the gold band from years ago, the tattered green bracelet I wore, along with the letters he sent me. There’s even a highlighted book I never sent him.
It’s like looking through a time capsule, if I’m being honest. I sift through everything, looking for the journal I labeled with the oldest date. It’s remarkable I kept these for so long, a part of me never feeling like I could part with the feelings that I wrote down on these worn pages.
I finally find what I’m looking for, the year scribbled on the front. I pull it out and open the composition book, the cover creaking from underuse. I glide my hand down the front page, feeling the indentations of paper where the pen creased along the notebook.
I feel the lump forming in my throat, emotion pouring in as I think back at how raw and real everything between Tyler and I has always been. Even now, I know he’s the only person I’ve ever really given my heart to. Since that day five years ago, I’ve put walls up.
I know I’m the one that’s become closed off and distant with anyone since him. Every relationship I’ve had never felt right because I’ve found an excuse to find a flaw.
I touch my cheek to feel the moisture from a lone tear that has escaped. Wiping it, I compose myself and finally look down to read the words I once wrote about a life that feels so distant and forgotten. The girl that wrote them doesn’t even remind me of the person I see today in the reflection in the mirror.
August 8, 2015
Dear Journal,
I’ve never been a girl that wrote in a diary or a journal, so this feels a little weird for me. But I’m reading a contemporary romance and the character keeps writing in a journal, so I thought I’d try it out.
I’ve always had a lot of girlfriends growing up, but life got a little chaotic for me after high school graduation and I sort of started walking my own path. I distanced myself from them and we lost touch. I miss having people to talk to, and living alone is really isolating.
I’m feeling more and more disconnected from my past life in Nevada since I found out my parents adopted me. I don’t know why, but I feel like I’m living in limbo since that night. My entire life I’ve felt so comfortable in my skin, only to find out it was all a lie—at least that’s how it feels for me currently.
I do still feel a close connection to Bryce. My brother makes me laugh and gets how controlling my parents are, especially with me. But now we are living so far apart, with me being in Chicago and him in Oregon, we will barely see one another. It’s just hard figuring out life on my own.
The only other person I feel who knows me is Tyler, funny enough. We are worlds apart, but at the same time, he understands a side of me I don’t have to explain. He talks to me, not through me like everyone else in my life seems to—in letters, which feels more intimate. We’re married, which is a secret only my brother knows. But it’s not even for love; we’re married because I needed insurance so I could care for myself.
He’s just that kind of a person—not that anyone would guess that from looking at him. He’s brooding and sort of intimidating if you look at him. Hescowls a lot. He rode a motorcycle in high school and it was sort of hot, if you ask me. Every girl swooned over him. I won’t lie, even I couldn’t ignore how electrifying it was to see him walk by. He’s got a presence about him. But it scared my parents, me being around him. We are polar opposites—me being valedictorian and him being the ultimate bad boy.
I haven’t seen him in over a year. He’s in the Army, so he’s not around to visit. But the letters are something I cherish when I do receive them.
He’s the one who pushed me to be independent and step away from my parents financially. If it weren’t for his confidence in me, I don’t know if I would have had the courage. I moved to a new state and cut myself off from them, instead of going to California and attending the college they chose for me. They wanted me to follow in their footsteps, going to the same university as them for medical school. I would have lived out their dreams, versus having dreams of my own.
My parents love me, there’s no doubt. But many of their aspirations have felt like ones they’ve wanted me to live for them. I started to reflect on the fact they never really asked me what I wanted out oflife. Once I moved out and financially cut ties, I realized I had very different dreams than my parents put on me.
Studying medicine wasn’t something I ever wanted for myself. Now that I’ve gotten a taste for the publishing world, I might want to be an author one day. Seeing my name sprawled across the cover of a book sounds exciting to me. I could see myself as a best-selling suspense author or something along those lines. It thrills me to think about and that’s what a career should be.
If it weren’t for Tyler Hunter, I would be living someone else’s dream. I’d possibly be resentful and likely hurting. As much as many around me in high school thought he had this rough exterior, he’s only shown me a softer side. My parents misjudged him, pushing him out of my life.
But since he’s been back in mine, all he’s shown me is this tenderness that fills me with anticipation when I see his writing sprawled across an envelope.
I’m starting to realize that with each letter he writes, maybe this marriage isn’t fake after all. I think I’m starting to catch feelings and it’s becoming a little more real with each stamp I put on those dang envelopes.
I close the journal abruptly, my heart pounding with the memory of writing those words. I remember my heart opening up to him so easily that summer and I never questioned how carefree it was for me back then. I welcomed my feelings for Tyler, without question.
I shove the journal away, my heart feeling the confusion of the day tugging at it in multiple directions, but my mind is completely set on the fact this divorceisnecessary. I need to move on or I won’t be able to give Noah the future he deserves; even if in some way, it goes against what my brother wanted. Then again, my brother didn’t have a full picture of what was to come. I’m no longer going to have this hanging over me. Tyler Hunter is not going to be the person holding my heart any longer, not even a morsel of it.
CHAPTER 14
Tyler
It’shard to wrap my head around the fact that Indy wants a divorce, even though I knew it was coming. But when I asked to see her, I thought she’d be open to a conversation.
Realistically, we should have been divorced years ago. She obviously hasn’t needed to stay married for some time now. She has been independent and thriving financially for a number of years, but we’ve ignored it until now.
I know it’s the right thing. She deserves to be free of me; I understand that. But she’s been a constant in my life, even if I ruined it a handful of years ago. She’s always been in the back of my mind, but seeing her recently has brought her to the forefront of my thoughts. She’s all I think about when my day gets quiet.
