Page 25 of Embers in Our Souls
I think I’ve updated you on everything on my end. I’ll let you know how school is once I’ve started. I’m taking a break on classes this summer before starting in the fall. I needed to take this time to settle in and just work before the semester starts.
I hope you’re well. Do you ever get time to come visit the States? If so, know you can stay with me. I’ve got this whole apartment to myself. Oh my gosh… did I just proposition you? I completely meant that like a friend, I swear!
I’m going to stop writing before I make more of a fool of myself. Stay safe!
XO-
Your wife who is trying to look after your needs, but not like that,
Indy.
CHAPTER 13
Indiana
My heart is still racingas we drive away from the firehouse. While we head over to her place, Kalli keeps looking over, making sure I’m not going to break down and cry. I hold it in until Noah gets out of the car. The minute I reach back and unbuckle him, he leaps out of the car and runs inside to see Julian and Vivienne.
I stay back and finally break down. I didn’t think I was going to be this emotional over finally asking for a divorce from Tyler, but apparently, I was holding back. But the second the first tear falls, a dam breaks and Kalli holds me as I let go.
It feels like I’m letting go of my past. Not just a piece of Tyler, but a piece of myself is being erased with this entire relationship. It’s not like we were anything other than something completely fake. He married me to make my life easier and I accepted.
Now I’m stronger and my tears are a way of shedding that layer of my past. It feels like I’m saying a final goodbye to the girl I was—the one who had a brother, who had a boy that showed this version of himself that held the possibility of love and who was naive and never thought life could hold so much pain.
There are so many layers to why I’ve held onto this marriage and now it’s all coming to the forefront of my thoughts. It’s causing me to have a slew of feelings and the emotional toll it’s taking on me feels crippling at times. I know I’ll have to confess everything to Tyler at some point, yet I don’t know how to put it all into words when the day comes.
Once I leave Kalli’s place, I’m calmer. On the drive home, Noah and I stop to grab supplies to make homemade pizzas—his favorite meal. I grab my signature toppings—ham and pineapple. I watch Noah cringe as I put everything on my personalized pizza, savoring his snarky remarks because my brother did the same thing. Noah is exactly like his dad, enjoying black olives and pepperoni.
We finish putting the pizzas in the oven and we’re currently picking a movie for the night. “Can we watch one of my dad’s favorite movies tonight?” Noah asks as he scrolls through our streaming service.
“Of course. Can I see the remote?” I motion for the controller.
I find the movie I’m thinking of and press play. The opening credits begin and I see Noah’s face light up when the realization dawns on him. He’s seen this movie dozens of times, but I’ve never admitted to him that Bryce loved this movie.
“My dad lovedthisone? Just like me?” His eyes are big with amazement.
“Yep, just like you,” I smile as I push back the lump in my throat. This day has been full of emotion, but at least right now it’s a good feeling knowing I’ll feel my brother’s presence surround us as we eat pizza and hear familiar sounds of his favorite characters on the screen.
“No one likesThe Phantom Menace! We liked the sameStar Warsmovie.” My brother’s mini looks absolutely delighted at the revelation.
He falls back on the couch and pulls Darth close to him. Our cat cuddles him, which is unusual for a feline. I can’t help the smile that creeps up on my face, taking in the sweet sight.
The night continues on, our bellies filled, and Noah continually teasing me about my topping choices as he looks over at the pineapple on my plate. I tickle him each time he makes a comment, and he attempts to do the same to me, but I block him with a pillow.
I see his eyes getting heavy as we get close to the end of the movie. Noah tries to fight bedtime, but I promise him he can finish the movie tomorrow. Luckily, he understands he needs sleep after the long day he’s had and I’m able to get him ready for bed quickly.
After I close his bedroom door, I move down the hall and downstairs toward the kitchen. That’s when the realization hits me of the mess we made with dinner. These are the moments I’m hit with how exhausting being a single parent is. But no matter how tiring it is, Noah is worth it.
I move through the kitchen, washing the dishes and wiping down the countertops until everything is back in its place. Once everything is finished, I grab a glass of wine. My mind wanders back to Tyler and all the emotions that have crept in since we saw one another this afternoon.
His stormy-blue eyes keep coming back to me and all I think about is the fact that he’s now the one with this airiness surrounding him, while I’m the one carrying this storm cloud over my head. He’s to blame for my anger; and now these walls are built to protect myself all due to his heartless ways. I can’t let him hurt me again.
That’s why this divorce has to happen, but at the same time, it means digging up things I’ve pushed aside for so long. I throw the dish rag I’ve been holding on to the kitchen counter with added irritation and start walking out of the room, slamming thelight switch off, as if it’s deserving of my anger. Luckily, I don’t spill the wine because my movements are lacking any grace.
We can’t keep letting this lingering frustration follow us. It’s not healthy for me. I can’t move on if I don’t put this thing with Tyler to bed. We need to move on from here.
Then why does it hurt so bad? Why did I cry like my heart would never recover when I was in Kalli’s car?
Walking to my room, I deposit my wine glass on my bedside table, and move straight into my closet. I know exactly where my feet are leading me. I see the box that’s followed me through every move. I pull down the simple square box down, pushing the dust off the lid.
