Page 103 of Embers in Our Souls
“Scar and I wanted so badly to take you away and start our little family, but we also wanted what was best for you. So, we listened to our families. They told us you’d be given to a family that could give you so much more than we ever could. We were promised it was going to be an open adoption. We were so naive to the process, Indiana. All in all, we were ill-informed.” He sighs, running his hand through his salt and pepper hair.
“Once a few weeks had passed, and I had recovered a bit postpartum, I had asked if I could write a letter to your adoptive parents to request a picture. That’s when I discovered it was, in fact, a closed adoption. I broke down. I went through a pretty dark time after that. We both did.” She looks at Jerry, more tears streaming down her cheeks. “The way my parents lied to us regarding your adoption was unforgivable. I tried finding you, hiring people, but I had no luck on my own. I just waited, hoping one day you’d come looking for us.”
It’s then I feel the moisture on my own cheek coming down, the tears falling freely at her words. I try to swipe them away, but there’s no use. New tears are replacing the old. I feel Tyler bring his hand over my knee and squeeze.
“We got pregnant with George a few years later and we were out from under the scrutiny of our parents by then. We had jobs and were living in a small apartment in the city. Not a day went by that we didn’t think of you,” Jerry explains.
“Did George know about me?” I ask, curious if my brother knew he had a sister out in the world.
Scarlet shakes her head, swiping at the tears that fall, and I feel the bile creeping in all over again. “No, and please let me explain.” I have the urge to pull myself out of my chair and walk out of this house. I feel unwanted all over again—discarded. George was their golden child, too perfect to be tarnished even by the knowledge that I existed.
“How can you say you thought of me every day since letting me go, when you never even told George you had another child before him?”
“Because my mother made me feel ashamed every single day after I had you. I thought about fighting back and contesting the adoption after what she had done. But she verbally berated me after you were born. I wasn’t even sure Jerry and I would make it. I’m surprised we did after the emotional turmoil she put me through. I was left feeling belittled and emotionally frail.
“At one point, I thought you were better off without me, without your own mother. And, in some twisted way, I didn’t want Georgie to judge us if we told him. Jerry didn’t think he would once he was old enough, but my mother’s hateful words just kept echoing in my head.” She has to pause to catch her breath, her sobs are so powerful. Jerry wraps his arms around her, whispering into her ear to comfort her.
I feel her pain in my chest as I hear sorrow through her words.
Jerry carries on the story, “Scarlet’s mother was not the kindest woman. Out of everyone, she was the most vicious. Her words cut the deepest. And she made it very clear she didn’t want Scarlet’s pregnancy to impact the image of the family. She kept Scarlet hidden towards the end of the pregnancy, making Scar finish up school with tutors and such. Emotionally, Scarlet was a shell of herself.” He kisses her temple and the love the two of them have after so many years together is commendable.
He continues, “When Scarlet told me she was pregnant again, I hate to admit—I was terrified. When we couldn’t find a way to connect with your adoptive parents, it left both of us empty. But Scarlet was heartbroken in a way I never imagined. So having George was something I made sure our parents weren’t able to touch, especially her mother. I was very protective of her. And when George was born, we stayed far away from our families. We stayed in the city, making sure we made do with our own money and succeeded independently from our families’ wealth.”
“Everything we have in this life is from our own successes. As much as my parents and Jerry’s come from an affluent background, we never wanted any part of it. It felt dirty after what they did to you. Our lives were never the same after they took you from us.” Scarlet looks broken after her revelation.
“You were a piece of us that we lost all those years ago, Indiana.” She looks at me and I feel the pain etched all over her face. “And now we’ve said goodbye to your brother, someone you’ll never get to meet, and someone we’ll never get a chance to see again. But the fact we get to connect with one of our babies again is a gift we’ll never take for granted. That is if you’ll accept us in your life.”
I see Tyler swipe at his face in my periphery and it’s then I realize there isn’t a dry eye in this room right now. We’ve all been affected by the events of this family. The tidal wave from years ago has brought us here and now we’re weaved together in this incredible way. I’m not quite sure how it’s happened, but I feel like it’s somehow all meant to be.
“So where do we go from here?” I ask them.
Scarlet moves her hand through her hair that is a similar shade to mine, although hers has a few more grays due to her age.
“Indiana, why did you come looking for us?” she asks.
“I wanted to find a connection to someone that was related to me,” I answer honestly. “My whole adult life I’ve felt like I was walking alone. I’ve been looking for you off and on since I found out I was adopted. I wanted to see if there were people out there that I had roots with.” I look at Tyler and squeeze his hand in mine.
“If you’re still looking for that connection, we’d like to be that for you,” Jerry says. “We know it might take time, but we’d like nothing more. We see this as an unexpected gift.”
It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that Tyler has been a connection between us for years, yet we had no idea.
All this has been so much to digest. From the minute I sat in that emergency room and found out I was adopted, I feel like my life has so many unforeseeable turns. Now I’m sitting here, finally meeting my biological parents and I have this big decision to make.
I can hold a grudge, something I did for so long with my adoptive parents and it continues to be exhausting and painful. I don’t want to do that anymore in my life. I want to move forward and build something new and beautiful with these two people. I’m tired of hurting and building walls.
Since I’ve brought Tyler back in my life, I’ve gotten to feel what it’s like to heal again. I didn’t get to meet them sooner because I didn’t have the financial means to do so on my own, but now they’re here with me and I don’t want to miss another second letting them in to form new memories in my future.
“I think having you be a part of my life sounds like a beautiful way forward.”
I stretch my hands out and they both grasp on. Looking into faces that resemble mine feels like a connection I’ve longed for over a decade and I feel a flutter of hope in my chest at the possibility of finally feeling like I belong.
CHAPTER 49
Indiana
“I toldyou he’d have a fun time,” Tyler wraps his arms around my waist and kisses my neck.
I can’t help the laugh that escapes as I lean into him. The kids are running around the park as the sugar high kicks in from the cake they just consumed. I kept the party simple, opting for a piñata, having Tyler play baseball with the kids and some other games around the bases.
