Page 40 of Embers in Our Souls
I’m confused and I want things to go back to before I knew Tyler was in Boston. I’m truly fucked, my emotions taking me on a roller coaster, and I don’t know what direction I want this ride to go.
“You better figure out what you want to do, Indy. Because you’ve got your monotone boyfriend and a hot-as-fuck husband. I vote for the hot one, as you know.” She waggles her brows and shimmies her shoulders, while I roll my eyes.
“Yes, you’ve said as much at least once a day,” I tell her. “You’re forgetting Tyler and I have a past that involved breaking my heart, along with this revelation about a girlfriend. Kalli, you seem to forget a lot of crucial details. Plus, Roger can’t just be tossed aside.”
“You’re right. Maybe tell Roger you prefer Sheets over Excel; he might break up with you and then you won’t have to deal with it.” She starts laughing hysterically, while I give her a flat expression. My best friend, everyone.
“Sorry, bad joke?” Kalli says, wiping the tears under her eyes. “But you sort of set me up.” She realizes I’m not laughing. “Okay, this is your life. I shouldn’t make a joke of it. But it’s sort of ironic that you go a while not dating anyone and all-of-a-sudden you now have a boyfriend you want to get serious withandan estranged husband at the same time.”
“Soon I’ll just have a boyfriend because the husband will be in my past.” I shrug and look down at my desk, trying to busy myself.
I move my mouse to awaken my computer to check new emails that have come in. Kalli finally relents and begins talking about work and we settle into a good flow of business that gets my mind off Tyler and the things that have consumed my mind for the last forty-eight hours.
An hour has flown by and before I know it, Kalli has another meeting she has to attend. Once she leaves my office,my assistant comes in to update me on more things going on within the company. I have more meetings throughout the day, meaning time goes by quickly. Luckily, Noah has a play date with a friend, so I don’t have to rush after school to pick him up.
I sit down for the first time since this morning and gaze outside my window to reflect on everything without anyone chiming in on how I should feel. I look down at my oversized bag, itching to pull out the one thing that has brought me comfort recently.
I know it’s wrong, but I brought it anyway. That damn journal has been calling at me to read it since I put it in my work bag while running out the house. I ran back inside my room this morning and stuffed it in, even though I know it was a mistake. The moment I started my drive with Noah chattering about his performance, I knew it was a sign of weakness.
What does it say about my feelings for Tyler if I’m longing to read how I felt about him years ago? Actually, what the hell does it really say about my relationship with Roger? Fuck—what am I going to do about my boyfriend and our relationship?
I think deep down I know what I have to do. I can’t continue doing this thing with Roger. It’s not fair to him, nor is it fair to me. I may have told Kalli I want to move forward to try to get more serious with Roger, but I know my heart isn’t in it. Even if nothing happens with Tyler, I’m not invested with this thing between Roger and I anymore. My heart has long detached and my mind has drifted away from wanting anything to become more than surface-level between us.
I open the journal and begin reading.
October 6, 2018
Dear Journal,
I recently got a note from Tyler and it seems he might want to come visit me. I don’t know when he’ll be coming by, but he’s thrown it out there. What does it mean?
The last time I saw him, I was eighteen and it feels like I was a completely different person. I was unemployed, scared, very sick, and lost. Utterly lost.
Now I’m a professional, pretty much holding up on my own, and my life is starting to figure itself out. I’m a mess otherwise. I’m starting to develop feelings for my husband—well my fake husband that is. He doesn’t know that, but it’s the truth.
Do I tell him? Do I say, “Well Tyler, you see, throughout the years of these letters, I’ve gone on dates, but none of them really seem to compare to the person that I’ve gotten to know behind your words.” Ugh. That sounds lame.
But seriously, I think I’ve fallen in love with him. And I have no clue how he really feels. I can make assumptions, but I need him to come out and tell me.
What if he sees me or spends time with me, the real me, and hates who I am?
This is uncharted territory for me and I feel completely confused about it all. But getting that letter a while back has left me feeling jittery—either by excitement or fear, not sure which. No matter what, there is a high likelihood I’ll see him in person and I have no idea what will happen.
Not only that, I haven’t told him that I no longer need insurance through him anymore. I have a job now. I don’t need to depend on him in that way. I’m scared to tell him and then that link we have together is gone. What if I tell him and he says, “Well, then, bye!”?
Just the thought makes my stomach sink. He’s been the most beautiful constant in my journey since the rest of my life went up in flames.
A call from an unknown number startles me. It’s after five and phone calls at this hour aren’t uncommon now that I’ve been promoted into this role, but they still make me jump when I’m here alone. Most people avoid picking up calls from phone numbers they don’t recognize, I don’t have such a luxury as a parent. I always worry it could be a parent with a number I don’t have saved into my phone or an emergency from a hospital calling me regarding Noah.
Picking up in a frenzy, I bring the phone to my ear.
“Hello?” I try to sound calm, although my heart is beating at a hurried pace.
“Hi. Is this Indiana?” a male voice says on the other end.
“Yes, this is she.” I don’t recognize the voice speaking to me.
“Oh, yes, um, this is Malloy. Uh, Tucker Malloy. We met when you came down to the station with your son.”
