Page 32 of Embers in Our Souls
“Anything else you’d like to say before you leave?” I ask her.
“I think you should hear him out. He’s asking for you to talk about what happened years ago and you’re not giving him that,” she says.
“Seriously? After what he did to me, you want me to offer him an olive branch?” I say.
“Well, after all this time, what does it hurt?” She shrugs.
“You’re just saying that because you like his content online.” I give her a look.
“That and his muscles and tattoos don’t hurt,” she smirks.
“You’re incredible.” I roll my eyes and start shoving her out my door. The laugh she gives is pure evil.
“You love me. Give me a call afterwards and let me know how it goes.” She gives me a little wave as she laughs, walking to her car.
Once Kalli leaves my place, my living room is too silent and I’m reminded how much I needed her here to keep my mind occupied until Tyler arrives.
I open the drawer in the end table and find the journal I hid inside, taking a seat at the couch. There’s still about thirty minutes before Tyler’s scheduled to arrive, so I get comfortable, hoping to get lost in a bit of my past before he shows up. I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself. This has become my new pastime since running into him. I used to write daily back then, so there are many entries to read.
July 1, 2016
Dear Journal,
I’m so confused right now. I just received a letter from Tyler and it’s probably the most raw one I’ve gotten from him. He pretty much confessed how he felt about me—us—and I don’t know what to do about it.
We write letters and we’re married, but is he just feeling emotional or is he lonely? Is that where he’s coming from? Is he just needing a physical release? Has he even been with anyone since that night we last saw each other? Surely he has. Ugh. I hate this.
When we first got married, although we felt a physical attraction for one another, we were going our separate ways. I had to focus on finding my independence and getting my health in order. Ty was going off to the Army, moving on to God knows where for an undetermined amount of time. Our lives were moving in separate directions.
I lived my life independently from him and I didn’t think much of it. As much as we wrote letters, I never put much weight on us developing feelings. I started off my life in college dating, thinking nothing of it back then. At first, Iembraced it, but then it felt strange. The more whatever this thing is with Tyler grew, the more I felt like I was doing something wrong. So I started to push dating aside in order to foster this growth with Tyler a little more.
I can act like Tyler and I aren’t a thing, but it’s hard not to have him in the back of my mind. How do I not though? We’re technically married—legally speaking that is—and we say this started for me to get insurance and that’s why we are here now, but I know it’s more than that at this point. Yes, I need the health benefits, but I know my heart is invested too.
Tyler is not the kind of guy to tell someone how he feels. He keeps everything bottled up. Even when we were kids, he never really opened up to me about his feelings. Now, he just word-vomited everything. I’m stunned. And he pretty much told me how he feels without saying, “Indiana, I love you,” or “I like you,” but it was implied.
This is so weird. How do I respond? It feels like a huge leap in a new direction. I’m still on the fence about what to do. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel the same. I guess I just want to touch him. I want to kiss him and hold him. I miss him.
My phone chimes for the doorbell, pulling me away from the journal in front of me. The minute I know Tyler is here, the butterflies have once again quadrupled. These journal entries have reminded me the feelings I hid away long ago are just tucked away, waiting to be pulled up if I allow them.
As I walk to the front door, I move my hands down the front of my jeans, smoothing my clothes, the motion doing nothing to calm me down. Taking reassuring breaths, it’s doing nothing to slow my racing heart, but I have to get this over with.
I reach my door and open it. The moment I see his gray-blue eyes, it feels like the wind is knocked out of me. It happens every single time I look at him, and today is no different.
“Hey, Indy,” that deep voice of his greets me, his smile growing as his eyes look me up and down.
“Hello, Tyler,” I say, keeping my voice as steady as possible. “Come on in.” I motion, opening the door wider for him to pass.
He moves inside my house, while I close the door behind him. I follow, watching his frame move through the entry of my townhome. Tyler Hunter is no longer the person I saw years ago.
The man I saw six years ago was already stronger than the man I said “I do” to in Vegas back when we were mere eighteen-year-old kids. But now, as I take in this older version of him, nearly thirty years old now, I can see he’s thicker in his upper body than he was over a handful of years ago.
I can see working as a firefighter has made him grow muscles in places along his shoulders where maybe the Army didn’t before. His arms look stronger, even though he bulked up previously. He has definitely become more defined in that area. As he walks further into the house, I try not to ogle him, although I’m probably failing miserably.
Today he wears a light-blue shirt that clings to his upper body, allowing me to see the definition of this perfect man in front of me. I see tattoos on his biceps poking out from underhis T-shirt sleeves on both sides; something I couldn’t see when he was in uniform nor when we met up last. Although he’s well defined on his upper body, his waist tapers, which I imagine forms a nice V if I were to touch him along that abdomen. I wonder if he has an eight-pack.
I think I need to turn on the air conditioning. There must be a heat wave coming today and the weather person did a poor job predicting it on the news earlier today.
“Indy, you feeling a bit hot right now? You look flushed,” Tyler abruptly turns his gaze my way and catches me looking him over.
