Page 140 of Christmas off Script
‘It’s, erm… rolled away?’
‘Ah,’ Dervla replied, then shot a panicked look at Connor sitting behind an electric piano by the side of the stage.
He started playing the opening of ‘Holding Out For a Hero’, by Bonnie Tyler.
Dervla turned to face the audience, her arms wide and her left foot tapping along with the synthesised drum beat. ‘Where have all the pumpkins gone, and where are all the mice?’ she sang with the power of a Viking warrior and the emotion of an Italian footballer. ‘Where are all the little frogs… for my magic device?’
Ella ducked backstage to find Leo, Libby and Willow arguing with Arthur, who was carrying a real pumpkin in his arms.
‘Hullo, Ella!’ Arthur hefted the pumpkin onto the table. ‘Priscilla got lost, so I’ve brought you Pedro instead.’
‘Dad, you promised no surprises!’ Leo hissed.
‘But it’s the last night of the show!’ Arthur retorted, then turned to Ella. ‘Pedro’s a bit lighter than Priscilla, so easy-peasy to carry.’
Dervla was still giving it some welly from the other side of the painted backdrop. ‘Isn’t there a winter squash that’s saved from Halloween? Cinders needs a coach tonight, and a taxi’s too mainstream…’
Ella checked there was nothing inside the pumpkin, then lifted it into her arms. ‘And the stuffed animals?’
Libby rounded on Arthur. ‘This is your final warning. Tell us where you’ve hidden them.’
Arthur’s eyes widened at her ferocious tone and his lower jaw wobbled. ‘Er…’
‘Got them, Fanny!’ Steve rushed up the stairs at the back of the stage with a cage in each hand.
‘Top job, Tittie!’ Arthur replied.
‘Thank go—what the fuck!’ Leo yelled.
‘Dad!’ Willow cried. ‘Just no!’
Ella stared at what Steve was carrying, her stomach turning over. The mice and frogs in the cages were one hundred per cent alive.
‘Don’t get your knickers in a twist,’ Arthur replied belligerently. ‘Fiona and Freddie are going back to the pond after the show.’
‘I need a pumpkin!’ Dervla roared from on stage at ear-splitting volume as Leo, Willow, and Libby continued arguing with Arthur. ‘I’m holding out for a pumpkin ’til the end of this scene… He’s gotta be big, and he’s gotta be plump, and he’s gotta be orange, not green…’
Before she could second-guess herself, Ella pushed open the door with her backside and entered the kitchen set with the pumpkin, plonking it on the small table.
The music stopped and the audience burst into applause. Dervla bowed, then turned to Ella. ‘What a beauty, my dear. And the rest?’
‘Two secs.’ She nipped backstage and grabbed the cages from Steve with shaking hands. When she re-entered the kitchen, there was a collective gasp from Dervla and the audience as they saw what she was carrying.
Ella put the cages on the table and stepped away.
‘Oh, my,’ Dervla murmured. ‘I see you’ve gone to a lot of—’ she turned to stare at the back wall of the set, ‘—trouble,’ she said pointedly.
There was a low chuckle from Arthur backstage.
Dervla gave herself a little shake, then turned her smile back on. ‘Now, my dear. Are you ready?’
‘I think so. Will it hurt?’
‘Not at all. You might feel a little tingly, but that’s just the fairy dust.’
There was a whoosh as the smoke machine blew a stream of dry ice across the stage and the lights dimmed, leaving Ella in a spotlight. As Connor played music, she began to twirl.
‘With a wave of my wand,’ Dervla cried, ‘this tattered old dress… will change into a gown, fit for a princess!’
