Page 55 of Christmas Chaos
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BAX
That was some world-class fucking. Maybe because we did it just to feel good. I kiss her again. “Too much?”
She grins. “Never.”
I leave my favorite place with a groan. We seriously just hard fucked for like an hour. I’m not sure where my stamina came from, but I couldn’t stop.
“Don’t move.” I run into the bathroom and grab a washcloth to clean her. I hear our phones downstairs and dread finding them. I look at her from the door of the bedroom.
She sits up on her elbows. “Do it. Leap to me!”
I laugh and, as always, do as Tabi commands. I put one foot back and she giggles. The house is making all its old house noises, and I sigh.
She scolds. “It’s just saying hello.”
“No. It’s probably something in the walls that’s growing and eating away at the roof or something. That’s the one thing we’ve only replaced once.”
“Be nice to the house.”
I take off running and leap onto the bed, then stand quickly. I jump into the air and land with a thud on our matress. The house groans again. I clean us off and toss the towel into our hamper. And our hamper sinks a tiny bit. I sit up next to her.
“Tab, I must be tired. Our hamper just creaked and started to slide—”
Suddenly there’s a loud crack like lightning, followed by our hamper falling through the floor.
“What the fuck?” She sits up and we look at each other.
Then there’s a louder clap that could be thunder and without warning our bed begins to sink through the floor. I clasp the headboard and haul her into my arms, then without another warning we crash through the floor down into our dining room and into the ceiling of the basement.
I turn to her, panicked. And she mutters, “I’m ok. You?”
“I am.” We both feel each other’s bodies frantically to make sure the other person is really alright.
Perhaps after the shock wears off, we’ll be hurt, but I feel fine. I don’t know how I’m getting out of here. The impact of the crash didn’t feel as if I broke anything. Aside from the splintered wood from the ceiling and floor joists, and the dust everywhere, our bed is unscathed. I look up at the hole into our bedroom and the dresser begins to move and falls through the hole next to us making the first floor/basement ceiling a bit more unstable.
We’re about two feet down into the basement and I’m afraid if we move the bed will fall further. And then, without any ceremony or creaking, her motherfucking iron bathtub falls through the kitchen ceiling destroying our thrice-made custom countertops.
I look to her and she’s stifling a laugh. I glare at her. “HOLY FUCKING CHRIST, I HATE THIS HOUSE.” And then she full-on belly laughs as do I. We’re hysterically laughing. I can’t breathe. She can’t speak. I’m bent in half when we hear Josh screaming to David. Thank God they were working on the barns. They’re on the front porch.
Josh bellows. He has a commanding voice, and I can tell he’s scared shitless. “Shit! Are you guys in there? BAX! TABITHA! Answer me right now!!”
I yell, “WE’RE FINE. WE’RE IN THE FLOOR.” And another bout of inappropriate hysterical laughing breaks out.
“I can hear them. I think they’re laughing.” David opens the front door, and I pull the sheet over Tabi.
“Holy fuck.” David says as they walk gingerly over to us.
“Sup, assholes?” my darling wife says.
David asks, “Did you fuck a hole in your floor?”
Josh yells, “Are you hurt, you lunatics?”
David runs a hand over his shorn red hair and scratches his chin like he’s feeling for a beard. He grows them during harvest and shaves when the last grape is crushed. David’s built like a lean muscular basketball player. Josh has more of a wide, tall build. They might be able to help us out of this. Ironically, we need Sam now that he’s huge and buff.
All our phones go off at once. Mine is hanging near the edge of the hole and Tabi’s is on the ruined couch that’s covered in debris. David silences his and Josh ignores it.
