Page 45 of Ruin
She lets out a frustrated moan, and I grin, pulling her up and turning her back towards the desk. Bending her forward again, I grab a condom from the top drawer of my desk, rolling it on quickly before thrusting into her in one quick, hard thrust. She cries out and grips on to the top of the desk as I set a punishing pace, smacking her arse every few thrusts and enjoying the little cries she lets out each time.
As she climbs closer to orgasm, I push my thumb into her arse, and she goes off like a rocket, moaning as her body shudders. After she stops quivering, I drive myself into her harder, chasing my own release.
The orgasm rips through me, the rush of endorphins easing some of the annoyance I’d been feeling. Though not quite enough to have completely forgiven her for interfering.
Once we’ve cleaned up, she turns back to me, studying me for a moment. “Are we good?”
Sitting back down at my desk, I cock my head as I study her. “Mostly. But I really would prefer if you don’t go offering my services to anyone else.” I hold her gaze, ensuring she can see the lingering annoyance in my expression.
A small smile plays over her lips. “But she’s not just anyone. And you know it.” And on that truly frustrating note, she skips out of the room, leaving me to scowl over her words.
21
NO TIME LINE ON GETTING YOUR OLD SELF BACK
LILY
The gym isempty when I walk in, and the space has a lonely feel to it. I’ve been down a few times with Annika to do yoga or walk on the treadmill, but I’ve not explored the equipment any further.
I wasn’t lying when I’d told Sebastian I hadn’t even noticed the little room that is off the main space, but as soon as Annika had shown it to me last night, I’d realised it would be perfect for choreography. She’d explained that a previous sex worker had also been a pole dancer, and they sometimes incorporated them into the club nights to put on a very risqué show. But since she’d moved to the Melbourne club, it’s remained unused. The pole is still fixed in place in the centre of the room, and three of the walls are mirrored. While the pole being in the centre of the room isn’t exactly ideal, perhaps I can incorporate it into some routines. Or, hell… maybe I could learn how to pole dance.
The lights blink to life when I walk in, and I pause, not having noticed last night that they were attached to a motion sensor. A sound system sits in the corner, and I wander over,hoping it’s fairly easy to use. Once I work out how to hook it up to my phone, I scroll through some of my old favourite songs, and as each minute passes, a lump forms in my throat.
I’d been so excited in the early hours of the morning as I imagined getting in here and having the music flow into me. It used to be almost an extension of my body, and as soon as I’d hear a song that I loved, an entire routine would burst into my mind. I’d let it take over, pouring myself into it for hours and days until it was exactly as I’d imagined.
But after I’d met Joseph, dancing was ripped away from me. I was no longer allowed to feel joy in anything, especially not something he perceived to be immoral. And now… Now there’s no images running through my mind. It’s like all my creativity has dried up after years of being worn down.
The optimism I had felt last night starts to wane, and before I know it, I’m sitting on the floor leaning against the pole with my head on my knees and tears streaming down my face.
“Lily?” I look up to find Annika standing at the door with a concerned expression on her face. “What’s wrong?”
I shake my head, wiping the tears away. “Just realised all my creativity is gone. Who was I kidding? I haven’t danced in over eight years, as if I can just step back into it now. I’m too old. I have no business in believing I have the talent to teach anyone else how to dance.”
She narrows her gaze and stalks towards me. “No.”
I squint up at her as she comes to a stop in front of me with her hands on her hips. “What do you mean, no?”
“No, we’re not doing this. Get up.” She bends to take both my hands and pulls me to my feet.
“Not doing what?”
“Letting that arsehole win. You are not too old, but of course it’s going to take you some time to get back to how you used to be. So rather than trying to come up with new routinesstraight away, why not try some of your old ones? Do you remember any of them?” She shoots me a smile while I deliberate over her suggestion.
“Um… maybe… It’s just been so long.”
She cocks her head to the side, studying me for a moment. “How many years were you dancing before you decided you wanted to teach?”
I think for a second, trying to do the math. “I was dancing for as long as I could remember. Ballet first, and then modern dance, tap and jazz… I realised I wanted to teach from around sixteen, I think. Around when I met the guys.”
She nods. “Okay. But you had years of daily practice behind you, right? So why do you think you should be able to immediately walk back into it at the same level you used to be at? It’s been nearly a decade, Lily. It’s not going to come back overnight. It’s something you need to practice, over and over.”
What she’s saying makes sense, but my default setting these days is to automatically believe the worst of myself, and that’s not something that can be undone in the space of one night.
Sighing, I nod. “I guess you’re right.”
She laughs. “YouguessI’m right? Woman, I am always right.” She pulls me in for a hug. “Now, you’re going to go and find a song that you used to absolutely love and focus on the routine you did to it. Don’t try to come up with anything new. Just focus on getting your body moving again. And don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get it right the first few thousand times. This is meant to be fun. There’s no time line on getting your old self back, remember?”
I let myself draw comfort from her embrace for a few moments, breathing in her flowery perfume, before stepping back and nodding. “You could be a motivational speaker. You know that, right?”
