Page 128 of Hell to Pay
“What?” Well, this was one I hadn’t anticipated.
“Mama and Papa say that it’s better at our house now, because married people should live together.”
“Oh,” I said. “No, I’m not. Will you go in and tell them, please?”
He shrugged and did it. At least children knew that they didn’t understand things! I, on the other hand, felt that Ishouldunderstand, but kept being brought up short.
Frau Adelberg came to the door after a moment. Her face crumpled at sight of me, after which she smiled, then looked alarmed. Apparently she was confused, too. “Merry Christmas,” I said. “I’ve come for my things.”
“Oh,” she said. “Merry Christmas.” And stood back to let me in. She was clutching a dishtowel, while Herr Adelberg was in the best chair, his legs stretched out before him, reading a newspaper beside the little Christmas tree we’d decorated with such cheer. A picture of thePaterfamiliasat home, and he deserved it, didn’t he, after a prison camp? Frau Adelberg opened her mouth, then closed it, and finally said, “Daisy has come with Dr. Müller. For her things.”
“I have ears,” Herr Adelberg said, but he stood and shook hands with Dr. Müller, who said, “I’m glad to see you home again. I was very sorry to hear about Pieter.”
Herr Adelberg said, “Thank you. And your family? Are they well?” Stiffly, but he said it.
“My wife, alas, is gone,” Dr. Müller said. “But who hasn’t suffered losses in this terrible war? I’ve come to help Fräulein Glücksburg collect her belongings, as she’ll be staying with me now.”
“Oh,” Herr Adelberg said.
“In here,” I told Dr. Müller. I wasn’t going to stand around and chat politely, as if I hadn’t just been thrown out of the house.
It took me about two minutes to collect my belongings: a toothbrush, a hairbrush, Joe’s soap and cold cream, the sewing kit I’d taken from Lippert’s belongings, and my few items of clothing, all of them stuffed into my rucksack along with my book. I could readA Tree Grows in Brooklynfor a bit in the bath, if I was careful not to get it wet, and possibly postpone the crying. I hated crying so much; it was an acknowledgment to myself of my weakness, and I couldn’t bear to acknowledge that. I added my pen and the battered exercise books that were my diaries, then checked that the door was locked before lifting the loose floorboard in the corner and removing the one thing remaining: Joe’s tea tin, stuffed with dollars. The tin went into the rucksack, too, and that was almost everything I owned. The emeralds were back in my coat lining now, along with my realKennkarte. One couldn’t be too careful.
Out into the living room again, then, where Frau Adelberg was still standing, clutching her tea towel. I said, “I’ll be taking a few things from the kitchen also.” Firmly, with my head up.
Herr Adelberg stood up. “What things?”
“The things that are mine,” I said. “The sugar. The yeast. The cooking oil, though I’ll leave some for you. Some of the wheat flour. I’ll take some sourdough starter, too.”
Herr Adelberg said, “Now, wait.”
I said, “I rode my bicycle out into the countryside in the cold, or all the way into Nuremberg, and bought them with my money, so you see, this is entirely fair. Except for the sugar and yeast, which I got from Joe.”
Frau Adelberg was twisting the tea towel now. “I’ll come down with you.”
I didn’t make any excuses or offer any more explanations, but went downstairs again, where I quickly assembled my bits and pieces. I also took the real tea that Joe had given me. I wasn’t leavingthat.Frau Adelberg said, as I packed up, “He doesn’t mean to be unkind. He doesn’t understand how hard it’s been here, that’s all. He still thinks things are as he left them, you see. He’s held to that all this time to get him through. And after all, this was his bakery and his work.”
“Yes,” I said. “I know that.” All I wanted was to be gone. I wasn’t going to let myself think about missing Matti.
She said, “And actually, we did want to offer you a job.”
“Oh?” I hardened my heart, but not too much. I needed a job. I’d go out of my mind otherwise, stuck all day in one room with nothing to do but read and the world outside too cold to be an escape.
Without Joe.
She said, “It’s to serve in the bakery, so I’ll have time to resume my other duties. It won’t pay much, I’m afraid, but?—”
I said, “That will be fine.” I’d miss the customers otherwise—maybe even Frau Lindemann! Her spats with Frau Neumann lent a certain spice to the day. “You can pay me the same as you have been.”
“Oh,” she said. “But you see, you won’t be baking.”
“Yes,” I said, doing my utmost to keep my voice calm. “But you were paying me very little, you know—much less than you’d have had to pay anyone else. I accepted that, and put in my own money for supplies, too, because I was living and eating with you, and so were the Beckers, at least for a period.I was grateful to you, but my debt must be paid by now. So it will have to be the same amount.”
“I’ll have to discuss it with Emil,” she said with a glance upward.
I didn’t say,You’ve managed to make your decisions so far without him.I was feeling too uncharitable to trust myself. I said, “Well, you can let me know. You could send Matti over to the Professor’s once you decide, perhaps.”
She said, “But how can you really refuse? You’ll have to have a job. Dr. Müller is—” She broke off, for he was standing right there.
