Page 127 of Hell to Pay
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Joe asked. “Why, when I’ve told you all about my family?”
“I don’t know. Because I was used to keeping this secret? Because I feared being put on a train back to Saxony?”
“Or because you were afraid I’d steal your jewels.” Joe’s face was troubled, and more set than I’d ever seen it.
“No,” I said. “Of course not. With Frau Adelberg, yes, I was afraid she would—not steal my things, but talk? Oh, yes, I wasafraid of that. And at the beginning, with you, of course I was cautious. After that, I would have had to explain all this, all my lies, and I was afraid—” My voice trembled for the first time. “That you wouldn’t … that you wouldn’t want to be with me if you knew my age. And that I’d lied, but especially my age. But seventeen isn’t too young to be a translator, is it?”
“You haven’t even finished high school,” Joe said.
“No,” I said. “Not even close. But I’ve read a great deal more now,” I tried to joke, “thanks to you and Dr. Müller. And I was very well educated, you know. Frau Adelberg has shown me how to do the accounts, too, which will be useful if I can get another position in a shop. If there’s ever anything to sell and anyone with money to buy it, that is. I don’t know about things like chemistry, true, but I can manage mathematics well enough, and my knowledge of European history is excellent. I can read music, and I speak French and English and?—”
Joe had a hand up, and I trailed off. Then, somehow, I didn’t, because I was saying, “So you don’t even want to hear. You say you care about me, and you won’t even listen?”
He had a hand in his hair. It was a bit longer now, I thought irrelevantly, and beginning to curl. “I want to,” he said. “I just— I need some time to think.”
Dr. Müller said, “We must get your money out of that house, Daisy, before Herr Adelberg bars the door to you.” The first time he’d ever called me by my Christian name.
“Oh,” I said. “Yes. Thank you. I’ll go—” I stood up on shaking legs. “I’ll go do that now. But my bicycle is still in the back of Joe’s Jeep.”
“Perhaps Staff Sergeant Stark will help us put it around the back,” Dr. Müller said, standing up himself. “Much safer there. I’d do it myself, but I’m not feeling quite the thing today.”
“And I can really stay here?” I wanted to talk to Joe more, but I couldn’t think what to say. His silence hurt me like a blow. How had I got all this so wrong? “I could take care ofyou, if you’re not well,” I hastened to add. “I can buy fuel oil and make it warmer in here. That, I know how to get. Sausage, too, and one can still get potatoes in the shop, and bread if Herr Adelberg is baking it, so we won’t starve. Just until I find another place to stay. I don’t need a job right now, I suppose, though I’d like one, but I’ll try to stay out of your way. You’re working on your book, and …” I trailed off, because there was only so long I could babble.
Dr. Müller said, “You won’t be the least bit of trouble. I’ll be grateful for the company. Will you help with the bicycle, Staff Sergeant?” His tone was extremely formal and polite.
Joe said, “Of course.” He hesitated, looked at me, looked at Dr. Müller. “I’d help you get the money, but …”
“But you wouldn’t be welcome,” I said. “And you have no obligation to me. Of course not.” It was all I could do to form the words.
Joe said, “I need to think about this. I need to …” He ran his hand through his hair again.
“Yes,” I said, holding myself very straight. “I understand.” I needed to be alone so I could cry, but how could I even do that?
A bath. A bath would be good. I’d warm up in a bath, and I could cry there, too. But why should I even cry? I had a place to stay. I had money. I could buy food. I could even help Dr. Müller. I wasn’t alone. I wasnotalone.
I was, in fact, fine, and better off than so many others. I was shaking now, and I was sad, but I’d been sad before, and frightened, too, and I’d survived. No matter what, I’d survived, and I could keep on doing it.
I would be fine.
53
MOVING ON
I wasn’t able to take that bath right away, of course. I needed my clothes first, not to mention my money.
The walk to the bakery was slow, as Dr. Müller coughed the whole way. I said, “I shouldn’t have asked you to come. It’s too cold, and you’re not well enough.”
He waved a feeble hand, clutched his overcoat more tightly around him, and kept walking. “It’s a cold, nothing more. The air hurts my lungs, that’s all.”
“After this,” I said, “I’ll make sure you’re warm every day, and I’ll do the queuing for food, too, so you don’t have to go out in the cold. You can read your books and take your notes in comfort while sipping on peppermint tea.”
I couldn’t say more, for we were at the bakery. I was about to use my key, then realized I no longer had the right. We stood at the side door instead, and I knocked.
Matti opened the door after a short wait. “Merry Christmas!” he said cheerfully, scampering up the stairs again before us. “I’m glad you’re home. There’s been nobody to play marbles with me, and there’s no school, either. We could read my book, maybe. Some of the words are a bit hard.”
I didn’t answer him right away, because I had a hand under Dr. Müller’s elbow to help him up the stairs.You’ve done your best all along,I reminded myself.This is not your fault.I told Matti, “I can’t stay and play, I’m afraid. I’m going to live with Dr. Müller now that your Papa’s home.” The door to the flat was before us, and I said, “Will you go in and tell your parents that I’ve come for my things?”
Matti blinked at me in confusion. “But we can just go inside andyoucan tell them. Why are you going to live with him? Are you getting married to him?”
