Page 48 of For One Moment With You
As he started to walk, I forgot my drink. I got up and hurried after him, keeping him in sight until he disappeared into a small crowd and I lost him.
As I walked back to the hotel, I continued to scan the streets for him. I’d seen him only a few times over the years, since that first time, days before I married Gareth. I saw him when I’d been at a low point, when the twins were teenagers; again when Lizzie was diagnosed. It means I shouldn’t have been surprised I was seeing him now, when my entire life had fallen apart around me.
That night, in the safety of my hotel room, as I thought about the house, it already felt less important. That all that really mattered was the people we loved, suddenly thinking of the boys, then Elena, my dad and Rick, realising how grateful I was to have them all.
As for those who didn’t love us back, they weren’t worth losing sleep over. I imagined it wouldn’t be long before Olivia was as irritated as I was by Gareth’s snoring and bed-hogging, just as I was hoping he would wake up one day, and take a good, long look at himself. After all, it was about fricking time. But already I knew I wouldn’t be there for him; that it was too late for us.
It was the best night’s sleep I’d had in ages. More than that, over the course of the night, things seemed to slot into place, the way they often did during our sleeping hours and I awoke early the following morning with a clear head and a new-found sense of purpose.
After pushing open the shutters, I lay in bed listening to the noises from the streets and brought up a map of Greece on my phone. Studying it, I suddenly decided I didn’t need a plan. That I could do what I did yesterday – take another train to another city; go with the flow, see where it was going to take me.
On impulse, I booked another train ticket, to Cannes, then I got up and showered before packing my suitcase. After checking out, I dragged it along behind me as I found somewhere to have breakfast. As I walked, I cast my eyes around for Adam. It was, after all, the strangest of coincidences that he was here the same time that I was. But that morning, wherever I looked, there was no sign of him.
After a coffee and a croissant in the autumn sun, I found the station. The views from the train were breathtaking, of pale stone houses, wooded hills, the clear blue Mediterranean Sea. I fell in love with Cannes and its out-of-season lethargy. Then after a couple of days there, I went to Genoa, and from there, to Rome.
For reasons I couldn’t explain, I found myself drawn further south as I studied the map again. For no reason in particular, I settled on Crete. If I hadn’t, it would have changed the course of the rest of my life. But at the time, I had no way of knowing that.
14
The Writing on the Wall
After the time I saw Adam with his wife, it felt as though a shadow hung over me. For a couple of weeks, more than ever before, I distracted myself by throwing myself into family life, until I was going through the washing, and it was shattered.
It was a cliché, wasn’t it? Finding a receipt in your husband’s trouser pocket? ‘The Ivy?’ I laid the receipt on the kitchen table in front of him while the boys were watching TV in the sitting room.
‘I’ve no idea how that got there.’ Gareth didn’t meet my eyes.
‘Then let me refresh your memory.’ I sat down opposite him. ‘According to the receipt, you were there on the tenth – so two weeks ago. Just in case you’re wondering, I called The Ivy – to see if they’d found the pen you lost. They confirmed you were there.’
Gareth looked confused. ‘I haven’t lost a pen.’ Then a shadow crossed his face. ‘You shouldn’t have done that.’
‘What – called a restaurant where you took another woman?’ I said lightly. ‘Why not, Gareth?’
He got up. ‘It isn’t what you think.’ Going over to the window, he stood with his back towards me.
‘So what is it?’ Somehow I stayed calm. ‘Am I not enough for you?’
‘It isn’t that.’ His shoulders were tight as he stood there. Then he turned around. Looking at me, he sighed. ‘Don’t you ever wonder about us?’
I gasped. Of course I had wondered, many more times than Gareth had any idea about. ‘Yes.’ I paused. ‘It’s not like we got off to the best start. But we’re married. We have a family. The way I see it, we made a commitment. We vowed to weather our storms, Gareth,’ I added more quietly, thinking of my mother’s words on the morning of our wedding. ‘Or at least, I thought we did.’
‘Storms?’ He frowned.
I watched him closely. ‘How long has this been going on? And please, just tell me the truth.’
He hesitated. Then he came back to the table and sat down. ‘Three months.’
My eyes widened. How hadn’t I known? But our sex life was non-existent. Had been for years. And this emotional disconnect was nothing new between us. Even so, it was hard to imagine Gareth emotionally connected to anyone. ‘Is it serious?’
He rolled his eyes heavenwards. ‘I have no idea.’
‘OK. So let me rephrase that. Do you want it to be serious?’
‘Tilly—’ he started.
‘Don’t just sayTillylike that and stop,’ I said. ‘What were you going to say?’
‘I do love you. And I love the boys. It’s just that sometimes I think… I want more.’ His eyes briefly met mine.
