Page 25 of For One Moment With You
‘Tilly… You know what I’m going to say. Part of this is about finding your own answers. If Gareth really doesn’t want to try and make things right between you, you can’t force him. But…’
I stared at her. ‘But what?’
‘I don’t mean to be brutal, but the question you should be asking yourself is why you would even want him back.’
It was the same word Elena had used –brutal. And it was easy for her to say. ‘This isn’t just about me, Tallulah. What about everyone else this affects? Our sons? My brother-in-law. My father, even.’
She looked at me as though I was mad. ‘What about them? OK, I can understand you worrying about your sons. But if you want to know what I think, I’d say you’re not seeing this clearly. And also, just to be perfectly clear, this isn’t about your father or anyone else,’ she said firmly. ‘Firstly, it’s a myth that children are better off with both parents. It really does depend on the parents. Take Gareth…’ She hesitated. ‘Is he a wonderful father?’ Her blue eyes gazed at me. When I didn’t speak, she went on. ‘In any case, your sons are grown up, aren’t they?’
‘They’re at uni. But they still need to come home for Christmases and holidays.’
‘Oh Tilly. Of course they will. But it won’t matter where you are. And they have their own lives now.’ She shook her head. ‘Remember when you were at uni? I bet the last thing you thought about was going home to see your parents. Anyway, as I just said, your marriage isn’t about anyone else. It’s about you and Gareth.’ She paused. ‘You’ve had your ups and downs… but have you been happy?’
‘Yes.’ But it was automatic. A knee-jerk reflex, rather than a conscious one.
From the look on her face, it was clear she didn’t believe me.
‘Remember the first time you came to see me?’ she said gently.
‘Yes.’ My eyes were suddenly filled with tears.
‘It must have been about twenty years ago.’ Tallulah looked thoughtful. ‘It wasn’t an easy time for you.’
‘It wasn’t. But that’s the whole point. We got over it. We were fine. You’ve seen us together over the years,’ I added.
‘I remember you saying once that you and Gareth were comfortable together. You could have been talking about a pair of old socks.’ Tallulah was silent for a moment. ‘Tilly? I’m really sorry you’re going through this.’ She paused again. ‘But have you asked yourself if it’s really Gareth you’re upset about? Or is it more that life as you know it is going to change?’
It was a touch too close to the truth had I been honest with myself. Such was my roller coaster of emotions that I smiled through my tears at her. ‘Thanks for the free therapy session.’ I hugged her. ‘It’s good to have you home.’
‘Call me,’ she said. ‘We’ll go out. It’s time you put some fun in your life.’
There was a time when I had thought about training as a counsellor; of having my own little room with shelves of plants and comfy chairs, just like Tallulah used to have. But like many things, life went on and it fell by the wayside. And given the mess I’ve made of my own life, I’m not sure I’d have been any good. But talking to Tallulah had been helpful. Sometimes, you had to face the most painful of facts. Hiding them under a sticking plaster, while a short-term fix, only served to leave them festering.
Back at home, I put the shopping away then sat heavily on the sofa. On the windowsills were the orchid plants I’d nurtured over the years, including several from Lizzie and, as I took in their delicate flowers, tears filled my eyes. Wiping them away, I turned to the display of family photos taken over the years – from the boys as babies, then chubby toddlers, all the way through childhood, then as teenagers. There was one of me with Gareth, taken just after we were married, and suddenly it struck me as odd that I hadn’t noticed before that as the years passed, we’d never added more of us.
* * *
That evening, I drove over to Elena’s. When she opened the door, my friend looked flustered. ‘I’ve completely lost track of time.’ She hugged me briefly. ‘Come in. It’s a mess, I’m afraid.’
‘It really isn’t,’ I lied, following her into the kitchen that was in its usual state of chaos.
‘Boys? Bath. Now,’ Elena shouted. ‘Come and say hello to Tilly.’
I couldn’t help but smile at her mixed messages. But she was a great mum. Her boys obediently ran in and flung their arms around me, before disappearing just as quickly up the stairs.
‘Thank God,’ Elena said with feeling. ‘No one tells you how exhausting being a mother is.’
‘It’s the best thing and you know it.’ I held up a bottle of wine.
She passed me a corkscrew. ‘Be an angel and open it.’
With the boys in bed, and after ordering in a Chinese, Elena and I put the world to rights.
‘Have you talked to Gareth about the house?’ she asked.
‘I haven’t talked to Gareth about anything,’ I said feelingly. ‘Don’t forget. He was the one who started this.’
‘I was just thinking.’ Elena screwed up her face into a frown. ‘Wouldn’t you like to feel you had some control back? I mean, I would really hate feeling like my future lay in someone else’s hands.’
