Page 20 of Note to Self
We agree, and after pecking his lips one more time, I get back to my digger and the clearing of all the gorse and brambles.
When I’m done, the sun is coming down, and I’m alone on the site. Trent has left, but the full skip and the almost clear site of where the house once stood are a testament to how much work he’s done. I know he’s not going to accept money from me, so I’ll have to think of some other way to pay him. I doubt my body will be enough. I laugh at the thought of offering him that. After parking the digger, I make sure it’s all secure, then pull the temporary steel gates behind me and padlock them.
I can’t go to the supermarket looking or smelling as I do. A shower is in order first before I can be out in the public eye. The drive back home is taking longer than it should, due to the weekend influx of holiday makers, which proves Trent’s theory that getting a table tonight would be difficult. It also put me behind, so Waitrose will have to put up with me in all my sweaty glory. At least people will give me a wide berth.
After our picnic at the weekend, I’ve got a good idea of what Trent likes to eat. What I don’t know is how he’s going to decide to stay or go in a month’s time, and if I will or can have any input in it. How far am I going to go? If he’s going to leave, my heart will be the one trampled on. If I’m honest with myself, I’m already in too deep. I want him, not just in my bed but inmy everyday life too. He has thrown himself into the work on my land, happily doing whatever is needed. But now and then, a cloud goes over his eyes, and his happiness evaporates. I want to stop whatever I’m doing and go to him, to talk him down from wherever he disappeared to.
That’s new to me too. With all my previous partners, I’ve always been easy-going, not wanting to make any of them into something more, which turned them into casual hook-ups, friends with benefits. Trent has made me want more from the moment I saw him.
Maybe Drew has a point. I have to give Trent something to make him want to stay, and the only thing I have to offer is me. He needs to know that I want him, that I desire him, that I want him to stay. I could go through the next four weeks letting him be in charge, but he seems too shy to tell me what he wants from me, with me. Too shy to make the first step to something more intimate, to take me to bed. So a little bit of help might be in order.
With that in mind, I take extra care getting ready, making sure everything is neat and tidy and clean as a whistle. I pack condoms and lube into a bag with some fresh clothes. I won’t show up with an overnight bag in my hand; it can stay in the Landie just in case.
I’m not going to push him, but he’s going to need a nudge of encouragement.
I knock on Merrick’s front door. I need someone from my old life to talk to. My parents are blowing up my phone, and Marc is being obnoxious too. I don’t know how to deal with them, nor how I feel about Merlin. About his show of kissing me in front of Drew, his ownership of what we have going on. I want him so much, but is it too soon? Will he have had enough of me after we’ve been to bed? Marc, in a particularly mean mood, said I was like a limp fish in bed.
“Hi, Trent, this is a nice surprise. I thought you’d be down at the nursery with Merlin. Drew says you’ve been helping out a lot. It sounds like hard work.” Merrick steps aside and lets me pass him. “Willow’s sleeping. She’s been full steam ahead since before six this morning.”
“Rather you than me, mate.” I follow him through to the kitchen, where he flicks the switch on the kettle.
“How are you enjoying your time here? You seem to be busy all the time. I thought this was supposed to be a holiday.”
I bite the corner of my lip. I want to talk things through with Merrick. He knows Merlin. They’re good friends. “It’s good. Just getting away from all the demands placed on me from everyone feels like a weight lifted off my shoulders. Not that it’s stopped them from calling constantly. I’m not ready to talk to them.”
“What about Merlin? You seem to be getting on well together. Is there something there? I mean, he’s gorgeous. Anyone with eyes can see that. He’s also a solid guy. I’ve never seen him so interested in anyone. He’s got the hots for you, mate.”
I sigh and close my eyes for a moment. Here goes nothing. “I like him, like totally ‘oh my god like him’. But I think it might be too early to take it all the way. God, listen to me. I sound like one of my year eleven students. He’s coming to me this afternoon or probably more like evening. He’ll want to shower, which is a shame because I’d like to lick every inch of his muscled skin.”
Merrick bursts out laughing. “You should have seen the way I stared at Drew when he was working on the house. I was a testosterone-fuelled idiot. Seriously, Trent, I think Merlin’s just as hooked as you. You’ve told me he knows about dickhead Marc, and honestly, Merlin is the total opposite. He wants you, Trent. No one else. So go for it, have fun, enjoy each other, and see what happens. You may just have a summer fling, but make sure that’s all he’s looking for. Don’t leave him broken-hearted.”
“If anything, I think it will be the other way around. He’s got heartbreak written all over him.”
“But if you don’t try, you’ll never know if you’ve missed out on the real thing, the greatest love of your life.”
I let out another long breath. “He’s coming over tonight. He’s bringing dinner, and I want him to stay the night. But how do I ask him? It’s not like I can call him and ask him to bring his toothbrush.”
Merrick’s lips quirk up as he tries not to laugh. I know he’s not aiming it at me. “Is this the real reason you’re here? Oh, Trent, sweetie. You’re so overthinking this. Trust me, Merlin wants to be with you. The only thing you need to do is have a great evening together. You’ve done this before. You’ve alreadyhad time alone with him. Just enjoy his company and whatever comes with it. He’s not the type to push you to do something you don’t want or are not ready for. He’s not Marc, not one bit.”
“I know that, but I’ve not had much experience in anything. I can’t flirt. I’ve let Marc control all the social parts of my life for so long. Even when we weren’t together, he wanted to know where I was and who with.”
“I never knew he was that bad. I didn’t like him. He was a flash twat who spent far too much time talking about himself.”
I smile. “Yeah, that’s him.”
Merrick turns serious again. “Trent, Merlin likes you. Just you. You don’t need to flirt or dress or act the way you think he wants. You’ve spent time with him. Relax, enjoy the food and his company, and see what happens. There’s no rule book. Good people come in all shapes and sizes. Look at me and Drew. I would never have imagined I’d find another man who’s so right for me, and absolutely not one who looked like him. But he’s my person. You deserve to find yours.”
Merrick’s words make sense. I do overthink everything. I like Merlin, like the way he smiles at me, the way his eyes sparkle when I’ve said something he thinks is funny. His laugh and how he runs his hands through his hair when he’s frustrated. I want more. I want a reason to stay, and he could be that reason.
“Thank you, Merrick. I needed to hear that.”
“You’re welcome. If I haven’t said to you, I’m so glad you’re here. I’ve missed you.”
Just then, a sleepy Willow stumbles into the kitchen. Her eyes light up when she sees me, and my heart swells with a love I didn’t know existed. “Unca Twent!”
I scoop her up and hug her. She wraps her little arms around my neck and puts a kiss on my cheek. “Hello, Miss Willow. You look lovely today.”
“My know,” she says confidently as she smooths down her dress. Merrick chuckles at his daughter’s precocious attitude.
