Page 58 of Monsters within Men
“Thank you,” Noah gushed out.
“Don’t thank me yet.” Leo hoisted Zeke up by one arm, wrapping his arm around his waist, and Noah rushed to support his other side. Leo glanced at the large cupboards, each of them engraved with a religious symbol. “Did he have to get up to his debauchery in here? He’s definitely offended at least one god, if not many.”
Noah gave a low chuckle. Together, they walked out of Fusion into a thick, misty drizzle.
“I’m sorry I never got back to you about meeting up. Let me know when you’re next free and we can do something. As… friends?” He shot Leo a nervous glance. The doctor had been patiently pursuing him for the last four months. In Leo’s defence, until recently, Noah hadn’t been discouraging it.
Leo’s face twisted into a small smile. “That sounds lovely.”
They trudged slowly towards the hospital, half-dragging a staggering Zeke.
“I must admit though, I have to question your taste in men, if this is what you’re passing me up for,” Leo said.
Noah let out a low laugh, praying that Zeke was too out of it to be listening to this conversation. “He’s a lot cuter when he’s not injured or high.”
“I’ll have to take your word for it.”
eighteen
Zeke
“Iwasn’ttryingtokill myself.”
Noah, sat at Zeke’s bedside in the small private room that Doctor Herbert arranged for him, snorted.
Zeke fixed his eyes on a broken tile on the wall. Every part of him throbbed. His body felt light, like it might float up, out of the bed and through the window at any moment. Beside him, a long tube stretched from his left forearm to an IV. Wolf, curled up fast asleep at its base, snored quietly beside him. “I wasn’t. I wasn’t really thinking at all.”
It had been a moment of panic, of blind desperation. A way to stop seeing Frankie’s terrified face as types dragged her off into oblivion. When he first bought the drugs—led to Old Billy by hearing a snippet of a conversation about ‘picking up’ from two workmen fixing a leaky pipe—he thought he’d just keep them in his pocket to be discovered at an opportune moment. This would lead to the powers above finally realising that he wasn’t soldier material and taking him off active duty.
However, once the pills were in his hands, the dark thoughts had started swirling. Visions of Squad E being devoured in front of him while he just watched, motionless—useless—clouded his mind. He’d slipped each little pink pill into his mouth, swallowing them one by one. Maybe hehadwanted to die. To die on his own terms.
Noah folded his arms and stared at him like he was a misbehaving child. “Do you understand how lucky you are? How hard Leo has had to work to keep this under wraps?”
Zeke gritted his teeth, shutting his eyes so Noah couldn’t see him roll them. He didn’t want to hear how hard done by Noah’s preciousLeowas. Zeke, mortified by the doctor’s involvement, had pretended to be asleep every time he’d checked on him over the last few hours. The only small mercy was that he could barely remember the time that followed swallowing the pills. Even the memory of Leo using the orogastric tube to pump his stomach was fuzzy. Thankfully.
“Zeke?”
Zeke drew his arms around his body, hugging himself. The coarse material of the hospital gown made him itch. “I understand I’ve terribly inconvenienced everyone. Can I remind you that, according to you, I begged to be left to my own devices?”
“Can I remindyouthat, according to you, you’re not suicidal?” Noah said, in a strained voice that tugged on Zeke’s heartstrings. “What were you thinking, goddamn you? I’m doing everything I can to help you. What more can I do, Zeke?” Noah, almost shouting now, grabbed Zeke’s arm and gripped it, hard.
Looking at Noah’s anguished face filled him with icy guilt; hot tears prickled the corners of his eyes. He pressed them shut.
“Sorry,” Zeke said, his voice a pathetic whisper. He shrank back into the bed. “I’m sorry I’m such a fuck-up.” He pulled the blanket up to cover his face. “It’s not you. You’ve been amazing. It’s me. Just send me to the prison, Noah. Then you’ll be rid of me.” His entire body shook as he became unable to hold back the sobs that he’d suppressed since yesterday.
Zeke felt the blanket being ripped from his grasp. Beside him, the bed sagged with added weight. He froze. Noah’s body lay beside him, not touching his own but still radiating heat. When Noah began to stroke his hair, he instantly stopped crying, more out of shock than out of comfort.
Noah’s feather-light touches smoothed Zeke’s tangled hair out, tucking it behind his ears. Zeke prayed the light was too dim for Noah to see his face, which burned with heat. When Zeke didn’t respond—how was he meant to respond to this?—Noah stopped playing with his hair, and cleared his throat.
“Sorry,” Noah said, and made to move off the bed.
Reacting on impulse, Zeke reached out and grabbed him. Now it was Noah’s turn to freeze.
“Thank you,” whispered Zeke hoarsely. He slid his arm down so that the back of his hand was resting lightly on Noah’s. “For everything. I don’t know why you’re so nice to me, when all I do is continue to disappoint you.”
“You don’t disappoint me, Zeke,” Noah said, turning his head slightly to meet his gaze. “I’ve seen how hard you’ve been trying. Even though you hate it here.”
“I don’t hate it here. Honestly, I don’t.” It was the truth. He hated himself for what happened yesterday, but he didn’t hate being a part of Squad E. He hadn’t hated it here for a long time now.
