Page 85 of Other Side Of Never
Sitting back on the couch, Kian held me tight to his chest.
I stared straight ahead, my eyes wide and unfocussed.He’d whispered it as if he couldn’t bear to repeat the words out loud.
They told me you didn’t want to see me.
I clung to Kian, inhaling his scent, latching onto his steady presence, as the world I left behind tore me to pieces.
Oh, God, he posed them like a question.
They told me you didn’t want to see me?
I didn’t do enough.
I failed to let him know just how much I love him before I left.
Left him alone with the monsters he called mom and dad.
I left him.
And love doesn’t leave.
“I should have stayed,” I croaked, the words ripping over my vocal cords.
“Aw, baby,” Kian groaned and rocked me back and forth.
Eyes wide with pain, incredulous even now, I confessed, “I shouldn’t have left him.How could I have left him?”
Kian’s large, calloused hand slid up to cup the back of my head, holding me against his chest.“You did what you could.”
“I should have called the police on Gary.I should have stayed in town for Jakey.”I sobbed, that old, all too familiar despair squeezing me into a dry husk.
“And what would that have done, hm?You think that would have made life better for Jakey?Or worse?”
“I don’t know,” I cried.“But I should have tried!”
Grasping my shoulders, Kian held me back a few inches and dipped his chin to meet my eyes.“You did what you thought was best at the time.”
I couldn’t hold his gaze, Jakey’s words spinning round and round.
His hesitation.His fear.His vulnerability.
His question.
My head fell back, my body weak with shock at what I’d done, what I’d buried deep along with every other part of my heart in my bid to survive.
My heart broke anew as the truth made itself known.
I was a coward.
A coward who cried like a child, sucking air into lungs straining to expel an ancient grief.Because they took my baby from me.
And I’d been powerless against them.
Kian pulled me against his chest and tucked my head under his chin.Muscles tense and quivering against me, he snarled, “I’m going to kill him.If he ever shows his fucking face, I’m going to kill him.”
His words broke through and sank deep, sliding like molten steel into the very marrow of my bones, warming me, strengthening my will from the inside.
Giving myself over, I relaxed against him.Wholly.Completely.
