Page 4 of Deranged
Field eyed him, wondering if this was an act of pity or if Shadow was every bit as afraid as him. Either way, Field wouldn’t turn him away. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t try to talk some sense into him.
“Are you sure? Even I’m not sure if I’m me again yet.”
Shadow nodded. “I’m not scared of you hurting me. You know how it is. I’m scared of me.”
At the confession, Field pushed himself from the floor. Nothing Shadow could have said could have gotten through to him more. They were all a bigger danger to themselves than anyone, and that was terrifying, considering how deadly they were. He would keep Shadow safe.
Shadow climbed into bed, and Field followed. He tugged Shadow into his arms and held on. The way Shadow shook wasn’t an act.
“I’m probably getting blood all over you.”
Shadow chuckled against the crook of his neck. “I don’t care. Being covered in blood is my natural state at this point.”
Silence filled the room.
Neither of them slept.
“Henry saw me.”
He felt Shadow take a deep breath. “I think Henry sees everything. It was inevitable.”
He knew Shadow was right, but it still hurt his chest. Field really enjoyed flirting with Henry and pretending to be a carefree fool. He supposed it had been unavoidable for that illusion to get shattered. That didn’t make the loss hurt any less.
“Field?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
Field’s throat swelled. “I love you too.”
Shadow nodded. “Don’t leave me, okay?”
The whisper broke him, and the first tear fell. “Okay.” They’d had this conversation a thousand times. One of these days, his answer would be a lie.
Chapter Three
Afteranightofstaring at the ceiling, Henry immediately started his day by going in search of Field while trying to look as if he simply did rounds. Henry had to know why everyone fought so hard to keep the guy sane and safe when he obviously needed to be put down. He found Field in Kylo’s dance studio with Kylo, Rain, and Shadow.
Shadow scrambled onto Field’s back like a monkey and held on while Field spun in a fast circle before tossing him onto a stack of fluffy tumble mats. Everyone laughed uproariously. Field wore a huge grin.
Rain jumped up and down, clapping. “My turn. My turn.”
Henry shook his head and moved along. It had to hurt like hell to have people climbing on him after taking that beating. Fieldlooked like he couldn’t be happier. He was such a mystery to Henry.
Two hours later, Henry found Field chatting with Beau. Beau had tears streaming down his face from laughing. That stopped Henry in his tracks. He had never seen Beau laugh like that. A terrible feeling grew in Henry’s gut. He kept seeking out Field throughout the day. At some point during the day, Field saw everyone and made them laugh and smile. Henry couldn’t stop rubbing his chest. Field ended his day in the backyard with Mickey. They sat shoulder to shoulder on the edge of the patio, staring up at the sky. Henry couldn’t hear what was said, but it was obvious Field was calmer with Mickey. No fake smiles or laughing. This was the real him. He pointed at the sky in different spots. Henry sat on a patio chair in the shadows and watched. They were genuine friends. Something that felt a lot like loneliness grew in Henry’s chest. No one caught sight of him.
Finally, Mickey stood and squeezed Field’s shoulder before heading inside. He didn’t look Henry’s way, proving Henry had kept his presence hidden.
With Mickey gone, Field stood. He shoved his hands in his pockets and walked into the yard. He turned his chin up and stared at the sky. After a minute, he sat before falling backward onto his back. Henry watched him roll to the side for a moment and pull a gun from its holster. He went back to gazing at the sky. Here it was—the answer Henry sought. Field had spent the day giving everyone a happy goodbye. The guy was done. When the gun lifted, Henry stood and made himself known as he moved to stand over Field.
“If you get brains all over Beau’s lawn, he’ll be very unhappy.”
A bright smile lit Field’s face. He made a wild motion with the gun before setting it aside. “It was stabbing me in the back. When I decide to go, it won’t be here where my brothers can find me. I won’t traumatize them any more than they’ve already been. When I’m done, I’ll just walk away and go where I’ll never be found. They’ll wonder if I’m alive out there somewhere while likely knowing in their hearts that’s not true. But they’ll have hope that I found happiness, and it’ll be true.”
Fuck. He had a plan. Likely, he already knew exactly where he would go. “What were you showing Mickey?”
“How to always find his way by following the stars. You know we’re not just trained to kill, right? We all have extremely high IQs and speak several languages. All that is needed to fit in anywhere we were sent.”
