Page 14 of Deranged
Since Ridge hadn’t wanted to move in with Beau in the first place, Field wasn’t surprised he was the one to bring up the issue. This was the second job they had done for Beau that had gone sideways.
Shadow rubbed his arm, bringing Field’s attention his way. “Are you okay, sweetie?”
The fact that he could see so clearly reminded him he still wore his mask. He pulled it off. “Yeah. I’m good. Thank you for being there.”
He held on to Field’s arm like he expected him to disappear. “Of course. I’ll always come for you.”
Field kissed his forehead. He wanted to joke and turn Shadow’s claim sexual just to lighten the mood. Unfortunately, he couldn’t stop thinking about Henry. Had he gotten out okay? Why had he been there in the first place? He hated the tension surrounding him.
“I’m sorry, guys.”
Every face turned his way.
Ridge looked enraged. “This isn’t your fault. You were doing your job, exactly as practiced. It’s this goddamn Bosi crew. His life isn’t ours. We do our jobs and then go home to normal lives. They don’t. Their whole lives revolve around crime. They obviously don’t believe in peace. Things didn’t used to be thisway for us. We had everything down to perfection and then we went home to relax until our next job. I want our peace back.”
For a moment, they rode in complete silence. For once, Field couldn’t joke around. He couldn’t be the fun one who made everyone else comfortable. Field was tired. His experience wasn’t theirs. Moving to Beau’s was the first happiness he’d had. Ever.
“You wantyourpeace back. I had none.”
Ridge’s shoulders fell. “Look, man. I know you’re—”
“No.” Field couldn’t listen to it. “You don’t know. None of you do.” He flashed Edge an apologetic smile. “Except probably Edge, of course, but the rest of you don’t know. I know our lives were terrible and ugly and the worst things imaginable happened to all of us, and you still don’t know. You can’t understand what it’s like to be me, and I’d never want that for any of you.” Not once had Field spoken up. Now that he had, he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t be their jokester tonight. “I love all of you, but I—” A growl burst from him. He didn’t know how to explain how he couldn’t go back. Henry had brought him so far away from the past. Field couldn’t go with them if they wanted him to go back to a reality without that happiness. He didn’t love anyone enough to go back.
“Before Mickey, I watched all of you choose each other over me.”
Field rubbed his chest when Edge’s quietly spoken words hit. Apparently, tonight was the night they would break each other.
“You’ve all seen me as… Well, I don’t know, exactly. I just know I’ve never been fully one of the group. I won’t return to that life. If you want to leave Beau’s, it’ll be without me.” He met Field’s stare. “Not trying to hijack your moment. I’m just trying to say I’m with you. If I’m being asked to choose.” He looked around, owning his choice. “Then I’m sorry. I choose my husband, and he belongs to Beau.”
Rain sniffed, pulling all eyes his way. Tears flowed freely down his face. “I’m so sorry, Edge. It’s all my fault. If everyone has treated you different, it’s because of me.”
God. Field couldn’t take it. “I’m so good at fixing things, my motto is, ‘If it isn’t broke, I’ll fix it.’”
Everyone looked his way, confused. “What did the bison say to his son when he left the farm? Bi-son.”
Everyone groaned.
Field smiled. It was hard. It felt sad even to him. As always, he couldn’t stop himself from being the one who broke the tension. He couldn’t take the stress. “Sorry. I don’t know any other way to be.”
Shadow squeezed his arm.
He wished he could stop and just go home. Field wanted to climb beneath the sheets and maybe never wake up again. His chest felt heavy tonight. He knew he would never get to walk away.This was his life forever, and he was drowning. He prayed no one made him choose. At this point, he might just walk off a cliff.
Henry went home and showered before going in search of Field. He looked in all the usual places, fully expecting Field would be all over people, acting the fool to deal with his stress. Field was nowhere to be found. Henry had to see him. He had to make sure for himself that Field wasn’t hurt in any way. When he finally gave up, and went to Field’s bedroom to wait, he felt a little dumb when he found Field asleep. He had a busted lip. Henry was enraged all over again. If these fucking kids wanted to get themselves killed, that was fine. He didn’t understand why they continued dragging Field into it. They knew his mental health couldn’t take it. Henry ignored the tiny voice in his head, reminding him Beau had sent them on that job. He was too angry to be reasoned with.
While moving slowly, he crawled onto the bed and beneath the covers. He held his breath as he scooted close and spooned Field. Field shifted slightly, getting more comfortable in his hold. He didn’t wake. Henry stared at the wall. He could see Field’s reflection in the corner of a nearby mirror. Even in his sleep, he looked sad. Henry wanted to go on a rampage. He had knownthis was how it would be tonight. The boys worked on rotation when it wasn’t a job Rain and Shadow had to handle. With it being Field’s night, Henry had known he needed to follow. He didn’t understand why this crew couldn’t see the way they broke his beautiful boy. While Henry would likely never know what happened to Field, he knew Field wasn’t meant to continue this life. His part, being the one who kept everyone’s spirits high, that should be enough. They were driving him to the grave.
Field suddenly rolled and tucked himself deeper into Henry’s hold.
Henry kissed his head.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“Don’t be sorry. You need the rest.” He hadn’t known what to expect. Anger, he supposed. He had followed Field and butted into family business. Field might have reacted any type of way.
His lips skimmed Henry’s neck. Henry closed his eyes and savored the sensation. “Thank you for showing up tonight.” He ran his hand up inside Henry’s shirt, as if trying to get even closer.
“I worried you’d be angry with me.”
