Page 10 of Deranged
“Myself.”
Henry nodded. They were a lot alike. Field was a lot more deadly than people thought. If they weren’t scared of him, they should be. There was anger and resentment just festering inside him, but he didn’t want it. Like Henry, he wanted something just out of reach. Something that felt impossible.
“Then you should know what I’m saying I want. There isn’t a damn thing on this planet that doesn’t come with strings. But I’m asking you to see mine and want them too.”
“If you’re saying you don’t want me to touch anyone else as long as this is going on, you don’t have to worry. No one can handle my crazy.”
He frustrated the hell out of Henry. He fixed Field’s jeans and took a step back. Henry pasted on a fake smile. “Let’s just do something else. I’m obviously not…” Henry fought a growl. “Would you like a tour?”
“It’s okay.” Field’s soft smile and genuine tone had Henry captivated. “I know how I make people feel. It’s all right if you want me to go. I’m used to people looking at me exactly like you are now. It’s not your fault that I have no idea what you’re trying to say to me. I get that I’m too exhausting. I can walk home. Thenext time you see me, nothing will have changed. I won’t make you uncomfortable.”
He really believed all that. Every word. Field genuinely thought Henry had already hit his limit with Field’s bullshit when Henry didn’t feel like Field had done a damn thing wrong.
“You’re not the one failing here. I am. You have no idea how much I hate that I can’t ever seem to say how I feel or what I want. I’m always watching everything that I’m silently begging for slip away because I don’t know what to fucking say.” Henry heard the aggravation in his voice. It was the first time in his life he had confessed that, and it was because he talked to Field. He had spent last night with Field. Henry knew exactly how fucked up Field was and he was unbothered. Henry had seen the real him and he wanted that guy. Fuck, he wanted that guy. He had honestly thought Field saw him too. But it was like Henry was doomed to be invisible and he didn’t know if he even cared anymore.
“Oh, good. Two people with no idea how to communicate. This should go great.”
A laugh burst from Henry. It seemed Field knew what to say.
He didn’t stop there. “I like you. For real. Not just toying with you or teasing you. I like you and I’d like to keep seeing you. Exclusively,” he added, as if he wasn’t making himself clear. Field made it look so easy to say exactly what he wanted. It was catching.
“That’s what I was very badly trying to say. I want you. And you said we were bad at communicating.”
They shared a smile.
Field’s slipped. “What I said still stands, though. I’m fully aware of exactly how messed up I am, and so is everyone else. If you walk away, no one will blame you, especially me.”
Henry closed the distance between them again. “Do you actually think I’m not messed up too?”
For a moment, Field’s gaze moved over Henry’s face before he responded. “Yeah. That’s exactly what I think. You think you’ve had to be hard for so long that you don’t know how to be who you need to be to have a relationship. Last night, you knew yourself. You knew what to say without stumbling once.” He smiled. “Where I think you’re fucked up is for wanting me.” Field’s hands found their way beneath Henry’s shirt. “But that’s the only time you’ll hear me say that. I’m not dumb enough to keep trying to talk you out of this.”
Henry shuffled closer. “Good. I can’t be reasoned with. Ask anyone. I’m an unmovable bastard.”
“It seems I’m into that.”
He always found a way to make Henry smile. Henry prayed Field didn’t take it away.
Chapter Five
Fieldagreedtotakethat tour Henry offered, only because he wanted to be shown the bedroom. He saw the way he hurt Henry by rejecting him. Sometimes, it took him a little longer than others to process positive personal situations. He had been trained those didn’t exist and shouldn’t be trusted. Once he navigated certain things, it didn’t take him long to accept and adjust. Unfortunately, Field screwed up a lot of potential friendships and whatnot just because he had to filter things through his brain in a different way. He had to have time to use his therapy to work his way through what was real and what was tortured into him. Life would always be harder for him. Not everyone could accept that, and he understood. Even he was exhausted by him. It was kind of impossible to expect anyone to understand. But when he had watched Henry fight to speak, he saw himself. He watched Henry fight that battle of trying to see around the wall he had to live behind. At no point could he be soft and survive this life. For whatever reason, hewanted that with Field. Field saw a lot of heartache in his future. Funnily enough, he still wanted to try.
Field purposely took his time inspecting Henry’s bedroom. He poked the bed. “I’m surprised by you. In no universe would I have pictured you having an unmade bed, Mr. Drill Sergeant.”
He loved when he made Henry smile the way he did now. “I don’t allow anyone to come here. Not even cleaning staff. The only time the bed gets made is when I wash the sheets. Otherwise, I don’t see the point.”
“Discipline or some bullshit like that. I don’t remember what they used to tell me.”
Henry sat on the bed and stayed completely focused on Field. “Your bed wasn’t made when I got there last night.”
Field went back to inspecting the room. Other than the unmade bed, the place was exactly what Field would have imagined. “An act of rebellion.” He met Henry’s stare. “I specifically asked for it to remain unmade, even after the sheets are washed. It doesn’t matter if I’m not the one doing it. No one will get that satisfaction from me.” Field shook his head and smiled. Sometimes, he got too intense and had to reel things in. He didn’t want to be who they made him to be. While Field would always be no more than a killer, he wouldn’t be a robot.
He set one knee on the bed and toppled Henry before straddling him. “We started something earlier that I ruined.”
Henry easily pulled a move that had Field trapped beneath him. That was the thing about the guy that had caught Field. The first time they met, Field was beneath the guy’s boot before he knew what happened. He liked to be controlled under certain circumstances.
“Do you plan to beg me to stop again?” Henry bit Field’s bottom lip before he could answer.
Field was afraid it would be the opposite. He would beg for Henry to never stop. Field snagged the hem of Henry’s shirt and dragged it over his head before tossing it aside. Every time they parted to lose another article of clothing, their lips were right back to finding each other. Seriously, no one had ever gotten Field as hot. Not that he’d had an easy time letting anyone touch him since breaking free. His flirtatious nature was a facade. He needed what Henry offered.
