Page 99 of The Night Before Christmas
‘It wasn’t just the men. She drank. A whole lot. Especially at Christmas. It started at Christmas but then it was more like every day.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ murmured James, his face pale.
‘When she died…’ Felicity said slowly, feeling a physical pain in her jaw from clenching. She tried again. ‘When she died, it was sort of a relief, which I know is a dreadful thing to say out loud but there, I said it. The irony is, I spent so many years worried I would turn out like my dad, never realising I should be even more worried about turning out like my mum.’
‘You are nothing like either of them,’ said James emphatically.
‘It’s kind of you to say. And let’s be honest, it’s a pretty low bar.’ Felicity gave a forced laugh that came out like a snort and covered her mouth in horror. She grinned at James and tried to relax, tried to get the rest out. It felt good to say it out loud.
‘God knows where Dad is now. I never heard from him again. I mean, you don’t get much of a lower bar than that, parenting-wise, do you?’
James’ eyebrows flew up so high it looked as though they might touch his hairline. But a soft, ‘Wow,’ was all he said.
‘Yeah. Wow. That’s about the size of it. As you can imagine, I brought all those issues with me into my adult life, of course I did. My crap childhood, my crap parents, my tragic life, poor me, etc., etc. The upshot is, in case you hadn’t noticed, I’m still totally useless at having grown-up relationships. And apparently all the important people in my life cheat. All of them. My best friend. My childhood sweetheart. My parents. All a bunch of big fat cheaters.’
James looked as if he was about to say something and then clearly thought better of it.
‘So… I’ve been having therapy to try and get it sorted.’
A warm smile spread across James’ face. ‘That’s great.’
‘I’m trying, I really am… So no, I don’t trust you but if it helps, you are not alone. How am I ever supposed to trust anyone?’
Felicity finished this little outburst and put her face in her hands, letting out giant heaving sobs and not even trying to hide them. James didn’t say a word, he just shuffled along the sofa and wrapped her in his arms. They stayed like that for a long time.
CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
‘Please say something,’said Felicity, eventually, into James’ lovely comforting chest.‘Unless you’re going to say you think I’m an overly dramatic wreck. In which case, please don’t say anything.’
James pulled her back and held her by her shoulders. He looked deeply and intently into her (very swollen) eyes.
‘I think you are an incredible person, Felicity Brooks.’
Felicity made a motion to dismiss him, to pull away, and he immediately dropped his hands. She covered them with her own.
‘Sorry, sorry. I’m not good in these situations. Go on.’ She tried to look him in the eye, but it was so intense it was almost overwhelming. Normally she would crack a joke, try to break the tension but she knew she had to attempt to stay in the moment. Just once.
Right here, right now, this is happening.
She focused on their hands, hers on his, hanging on for dear life.
James spoke quietly. ‘Don’t you ever apologise. You have nothing to be sorry for. And you’re right, that was a bit full-on, but I’m glad you told me. It’s my turn to say some things now,okay? I’ll go gently. You don’t have to look at me if you don’t want to.’
She nodded and clasped his hands more tightly.
‘Firstly, I’m so proud of you for getting therapy. That’s so brave. Just amazing.’
Felicity’s eyes filled with tears. Again.
‘And I know I will have to prove this to you, I don’t expect you to just believe me or anything. But you can trust me. I promise you can trust me. I have such a strong sense of obligation to anyone in authority that I have never so much as cheated on an exam. Or nicked a chocolate bar. Honest. Never. Not in my whole life. I just… can’t.
‘The thing is, I have never met anyone like you before, Felicity. You are an incredible person, you are brave, and strong, and funny,’ he said, very slowly and very carefully. ‘The things you’ve been through, I just can’t imagine how hard that must have been, and for you to come out the way you have, so kind and loving and wonderful, it’s a miracle quite frankly.’
A single tear rolled down Felicity’s cheek and James wiped it away with his thumb.
‘Now listen… I do have a problem, though.’
Felicity thought she might throw up all over him. ‘What kind of problem?’ Her voice sounded pathetically thin and reedy.
