Page 68 of This I Know
Iwantto throw up.
He didn’t say anything new. He didn’t say anything more disturbing or sick or twisted than the last time we spoke.
It’s just that now everything is finally hitting me. Maybe it was because my mom was sitting next to me the entire time. And maybe it was the way he was looking back and forth between the two of us, almost as if he was trying to measure us up behind the glass and guess what we’ve been up to without him, all while I tried to communicate to his distracted mind through that stupid black, dirty phone.
But really, I think it’s because of Avery. The fact that I know her now, I’ve seen how sweet she is, and how I can no longer bear to look at that guy without imaging the many ways that he hurt her. And the disgusting knowledge that the part of him that did that to her lives in me, too.
I wish I’d just throw up.
I feel a hand crawl over my shoulder.
“Ethan? Are you okay?”
It’s my mom, of course. I’m glad she came. She didn’t have to, like I said, but I think she sensed my hesitation the last time and sort of invited herself along. I guess it was a good call.
I stand up straight. My hand slides off the wall to wipe my mouth.
“I know that was bad,” she says. “I wish you didn’t have to do this.”
“I don’t have to,” I remind her. “I need to.”
“Is there really a difference?”
“Yes.”
I don’t tell her that the reason I need to –wantto so bad – is because I want to put him away for good for Avery. For everyone he’s hurt, but mostly for her. This is all for her.
And even when the nausea doesn’t go away, and I lean over again and actually get sick into the grass, I have no regrets.
“How was your family thing?” she whispers in my ear.
We’re walking up the driveway to her friend’s house. The sun has already set, and there’s a nice breeze in the air.
“It was okay,” I say. I wish I could say more. “This is Mara’s family thing, right?”
She nods.
I hope it goes better than mine,I think to myself.
“I know this is kind of weird. Thanks for coming with me.”
“Hey, no problem. Weird is my middle name.”
She generously laughs at my lame joke.
“Mara’s super nice,” she says. “And I think she wanted to meet you. That’s all.”
“I’m up for that.” This doesn’t bother me. As long as I get to be with Avery, that’s all that matters. I consider myself lucky she allows me to go anywhere with her.
As soon as we begin the ascent up from the porch, the front door swings open. A girl greets us, and I’m assuming it’s Mara. I wouldn’t know – I haven’t seen her around before, and we’ve never been introduced.
“Avie,” the girl says, an excited air to her voice. She looks me up and down and smirks. “Come on in.”
Mara’s house is nice, an average-sized home for this suburb. A long running rug in the entryway greets us, and I slip my shoes off with my feet.
“This is Ethan,” Avery says, gesturing to me.
Mara holds out her hand. “Nice to meet you.”
