Page 58 of This I Know
Avery.
In my memories, he’s spoken that precious word over and over. My stomach clenches. My legs want to run away, just like I dream of doing. But most of all, I don’t ever want him to say my name again.Avery.
“Avery?” he says again.
That breaks me out of my fog. My eyes de-glaze.
He cocks his head and grins at me as though no time has passed between us. Before, that stupid grin of his would have caused me to foolishly run into his arms, calling him cute. The pull of him was just so strong. Now it makes me want to puke.
Ethan is still watching me, too, but this time with a look of concern. I can see his mind working frantically to determine what’s wrong. One hand is stuck casually in his pocket, how he seems to like to keep it, and he’s still standing close to Cole.
I cross my arms, gripping my biceps. Maybe if I can make myself appear smaller, I’ll eventually disappear.
“Hi, Cole,” I manage to say. The words come out shaken and weak.
Cole walks over to me. I take one step back.
“Where have you been?” he says gently. “I haven’t seen you around.”
Wait, I know that tone. This is his way of faking being a good person.
He stops in front of me, looking down. “How are you?” he says, quieter this time, obviously trying to keep the conversation between the two of us. Ethan can no longer hear us. Through the beat of the music, even I can’t so much hear him as read his lips.
I forgot how big he was. He’s tall as ever, but a little more muscular, it seems. And the way my head tips up at just the same angle to meet his eyes brings back too much.
My throat tightens when I try to respond. I peek around him and see Ethan. He’s no longer watching us; he’s pretending to mind his own business, looking off in the other direction.
“I’m fine,” I lie to Cole.
“I heard about what happened,” he says. He frowns. “Life’s a bitch sometimes.”
“I guess it is.” And my apology is where, Cole? Whatisit with guys and apologies when it comes to me? Why can I never get one? It’s simple – all I want is aSorry I kicked you out of the car and left you to the wolves that night. You know, literally. Sorry about that.
Cole’s face softens. “Come over here.”
He tries to take the side of my arm to lead me somewhere private, but I pull away from him. The fabric of my sleeve slips through his hand.
“Come on. I just want to talk to you.”
I take a seat in the closest available chair. This is too much. I thought I could take this, I thought I was ready … but I can’t, and I’m not.
He places a hand on the chair opposite me and pulls it out. “Okay, I guess we can sit here. That works.”
Ethan’s left by now. My eyes search for him in the crowd, but he’s nowhere to be seen.
Cole laughs. “Jesus, you’re quiet now, Avery. This isn’t how I remember you.”
I don’t answer.
He considers me more. “You’re walking good. I was worried about that.”
Why can’t I tell him off like I told off Brendan? I want to. I want to tell him,You were worried aboutthat?Of all things, you were worried about my leg, and how I walk? Not my soul?
“It’s just a leg,” I say.
He laughs again. “You’re right. I guess it is just a leg.”
“Is there something you want to say to me?”
