Page 57 of This I Know
I look up at Ethan. “I guess you’re not so bad, after all.”
He pretends to be shocked. “That’s good to know.”
Now that Brendan’s safely gone, Ethan reads my mind. He releases his hold on my shoulder, his arm falling to his side. He takes a sip of his drink, and I hold mine with two hands so I can feel like I’m doing something. My eyes scan the deck and I lightly shake my leg.
A brief pause in the music takes place; the song changes from a mildly tolerable beating bass to a blaring hard rock song.
Ethan and I cringe.
“Want to go for a walk with me?” he says, gesturing to nowhere in particular.
I nod.
We move away from the speakers to walk around a bit, side by side on the deck, passing the time in each other’s company. It’s past midnight, and most everyone has had several drinks by now. Everyone, that is, except for me, and by the looks of things, Ethan, too. I catch glimpses of the fizz in his cup, and I’m impressed with his choice of beverage.
Brendan, meanwhile, is creeping me out; he keeps glancing at us from the other side of the deck.
“Yo, Ethan!”
The voice that rings out over the noise is painfully familiar. It’s deep, and loud, and bold without shame.
It … it can’t be.
Ethan leaves my side and approaches Cole.
I freeze.
ItisCole. It thought my mind was playing tricks on me. He looks the same as he did the last time I saw him – even his hair and the way he’s dressed (which isn’t a bit done up for the occasion) reminds me of that night. Everything, that is, except the biggest differences: the fact that we’re no longer together, and the fact that he’s now patting Ethan on the back.
Wait. What’s going on? I feel dizzy.
Why is Ethan talking to Cole like they know each other? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say they’re acting like they’re friends.
“How’s it going?” says Ethan to Cole, a smirk on his lips. “Julia said you weren’t gonna show.”
“Yeah, I wasn’t, but I was able to slip out. You know those family dinners … they get so old. I had to get away. I told them I had other stuff to do, and here I am.”
“Here you are,” repeats Ethan.
I need to sit down.
Why is Cole even here? He’s not supposed to be here. He’s not supposed to be anywhere near me, at least according to me. I knew I’d eventually have to face him again, but I wasn’t expectingeventuallyto be this soon. This, right here, isn’t how myeventuallyis supposed to work.
When they reach a break in the conversation, Cole looks in my direction. His eyes search for only a second, then they land on me.
I want to cower away. I want to take this cardigan and pull it over my head so I can pretend I’m in a safe, makeshift cocoon, in my own little world, just like I do when I’m in bed and the memories are the worst. If I did that, I wouldn’t have to see him, I wouldn’t have to even know he’s there. And I wouldn’t have to face these feelings that are rising up in me. Then, after that, I’d run away, right over there across that field of overgrown grass that James Connor calls his backyard.
But I don’t do those things. I don’t even look away. I’m looking straight at him, just like he’s looking straight at me. Straightthroughme, it feels like.
My knees feel weak.
Why is my body reacting this way? It’s not like Cole is the one who caused my attack, like everyone seems to think.
Or is he?
Ethan furrows his brow. He must be sensing something’s wrong, but I doubt he’ll be able to put two and two together.
The word finally leaves Cole’s mouth, and I shudder inside. “Avery,” he says, the surprise audible in his voice.
