Page 51 of Loch
He didn’t say anything and neither did I. I started to drift off again, surrounded by comfort and warmth. But before I could go back to sleep there was a loud pop that echoed off the walls. Immediately followed by a burning sting on my upper thigh. I jumped back and opened my eyes to see that Brand was now a few inches further from me.
“Wake up, woman,” Chris said a little too loud for my morning brain. There was a chorus of grumbles and groans from the guys and I laughed as I rubbed the spot Chris had slapped. “I’m gonna go find Ethel and make some breakfast.” He sprung from the bed like an excited little kid as everyone started to rise.
Brand rolled out of bed, with a quickness that gave me pause, and looked down at me. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking but I was desperate to know. His eyes were soft and his chest was slightly heaving. I opened my mouth to say something but he shook his head quickly before I could get anything out. His eyes flicked over to Diesel and Bocca, who were now standing. Then he walked out of the room with his jaw clenched tight. I looked over to the other guys. There was no missing Diesel’s morning wood. I shook my head as he adjusted himself with a nonchalant expression. He walked out leaving me alone with Bocca, who had his arms folded over his chest and a questioning brow cocked.
“You got something to say?” I barked in a half-joking tone.
“Not to you, doll face,” he replied then walked out. I wondered what exactly he meant by that.
I figured there would be no hiding in my room with all of them there. I sighed as I swung my legs over the edge of the bed. It was actually nice to wake up feeling rested, and I realized how grateful I was for the guys in so many ways. They gave me a sense of security. They gave me my smile back, even if it was for a brief moment. And the most important thing, they gave me an end to the feeling like I had to always look over my shoulder. Even if it was something that would never be talked about. I felt like I could never repay them for everything they had done for me.
I walked into a kitchen full of men moving around making breakfast. In the middle of the beef fest, not surprisingly, was Nan. She was flirting with each and every one of them. I laughed, expecting nothing less from her. Bocca was pouring juice. Brand and Chris were at the stove. Diesel was putting toast into the toaster and buttering the ones that had just come out. I was almost shocked at the sight in front of me. Big, burly men doing domestic things in the kitchen. This was definitely something I never thought I would see. Brand looked up at me and smiled, spatula in hand as he flipped a pancake.
“I gotta get to the shop.” Diesel said, rolling up some scrambled eggs in a pancake. I scrunched my face at him as he took a big bite. “Be good, you,” he said, shoulder checking me on my good shoulder as he went by. I didn’t miss the glance he gave Chris before he headed for the door.
“Thanks, D!” I yelled as he walked out of the house. A moment later I heard his bike roar to life then the sound faded off. “Need any help?” I asked as I shuffled awkwardly on my feet.
“Nope. Go sit your sweet ass down,” Bocca said as he pointed to the table.
I turned on the balls of my feet and did exactly as I was told. Nan came out and sat beside me, making sure she was facing so she could still see all the action. You would swear she was at a male review the way she was drooling. Laughing at her, I shook my head.
“Oh please, girlie. Don’t act like I don’t know where the hell all those fine men came from this morning.” She cocked a brow at me and I turned red even though it was all innocent. “If I were you I would have started an orgy.” Brand made a coughing noise before clearing his throat, never once looking up.
“Nan,” I scolded.
“Wait, if there is only one girl isn’t it called a gangbang?” She corrected herself. I had a strong urge to throw up. I didn’t even want to know how she knew that. However, the fact that she wasn’t acting differently around me now brought me a feeling of normalcy. It was what I needed most and I was thankful, even if I was grossed out.
“Keep going and I’m going to put you out,” I said pointing to the front door and she snickered at me.
Once the food was ready, we all sat and ate together at the table. Nan kept her dirty talk to a minimum, thank God. The guys surprised me by cleaning up the kitchen after we were all done. Then they all left. Even Brand. He said he had some things to take care of and that he would be back later. I wasn’t sure why, but I felt a little disappointed that he was leaving. Maybe it was because he had become such a fixture in my life recently. I had come to expect him to be there every time I turned around.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Loch
It took everything in me not to go to her. I wasn’t sure if Reagan even wanted to see me. I didn’t want to add anything to her plate. She had enough that she was dealing with and I didn’t want her to think that I needed something from her. It was the hardest thing I had ever done.
Between Chris and myself, we were taking care of the bar. I didn’t want her working unless she wanted to come back, and only when she was ready at that. I figured she would come to me when she was. Things were quiet most nights. Everyone seemed to stay at the clubhouse more and more.
A pang of guilt hit me when Bocca told me that he and a few of the guys were going over to cheer up Reagan. I had Brand watching over her and I knew she wasn’t even leaving her room. More than once Bocca and Brand told me I needed to go see her. Brand could see her spiraling down and didn’t know what to do. He told me that she was healing physically. But he could tell that she was a wreck on the inside. I wanted to be there, but the last thing I wanted to do was add more to what was already going on in her head. Brand tried to tell me that I was only making it worse for her. I blew him off, thinking that staying away was the best thing. There were times I doubted myself and the need to see her and hold her almost made me crack. But I felt like I had to be strong for her. We would get our chance, but I wanted her to know it was when she was ready for it. I would wait until the end of the world if I had to.
It was hard not to blame myself for this. Things had gotten crazy at the club and the whole thing with Lance had been put on the backburner. I couldn’t ask Bocca to do more digging. He already had his hands full with finding out more on The Devil’s Kings and what we were up against. I had been too busy staying close to the club to look out for her. I kept kicking myself for not listening to that pang in my gut. Deep down I knew something was wrong, but I let myself get carried away with the imminent threat to the club. For the first time in my life, I was torn between my loyalties to the club and the need of my heart. In the end, I won’t say I made the wrong choice, I should have just handled balancing both a little better. All of that was on me and I would never forgive myself.
Things had been calm at the club but there was a heavy tension lingering in the air. Until Savage decided to finally reach out. It was the moment we all had been holding our breaths for. Cal had received a call a week ago. He said that it was from Savage himself. The leader of the Devil’s Kings told Cal that we would continue to make runs and with less of a pay cut. He said that there would be upping the number of runs, too. He explained all of this to Cal in a tone that let him know there would be no other option. Savage wasn’t a man to be messed with. I could tell that even Cal was rattled after talking to him.
We had no choice but to go with it. We brought it to the table. Members of the other chapters came and the room was packed. There was outrage. But in the end, we decided it was best to sit it out and wait. So far it wasn’t anything that we couldn’t handle. Bocca had been shot but nothing fatal. We decided to keep collecting as much as we could and when the time came we would all be ready. This meant revving up security and having a tighter lock on the clubhouses. Everyone was in agreement as we left the table. We would wait and see. Something itched under my skin and the feeling that we made the wrong decision was clawing at me.
Weeks went by. I was aggravated and on edge. I wanted nothing more than to hold Reagan and have her warmth invade me. I threw myself into work. I did everything I could to help Bocca out with the new security cameras in the clubhouse. We even added a few to the bar and the garage. It was becoming costly, but it wasn’t anything we couldn’t handle for now.
I made rounds throughout the town every day. One in the morning and one right before the sun went down. Sometimes when I couldn’t sleep, I would make another in the middle of the night. Which happened more often than not. Everything was normal and quiet and I took the time to look at the people in the town. What we as a whole were turning this town into. It was growing slowly but it was a good growth. The kind that would last for years to come and make the next generations proud.
I’d never thought about leaving a legacy before. But sitting back and watching the way people interacted got my brain going. The way people would go out of their way to help each other on a daily basis made me strive to be apart of it and help it grow. It left me with a tiny hole in my heart. I wondered what it would be like to share that with someone. It made me think about what it would be like to share that with my kid. Thoughts that I was sure had died long ago.
When I lost my parents, I lost a huge part of myself. I gave up on the next life and started living in the day. I never looked to the future. Never made plans beyond the next hour unless it was club business. I often felt I was simply shuffling through life, waiting for the end.
But now I wanted more. I wanted a life and I wanted to live it to the fullest. I wanted to share things and grow with someone. I knew who exactly that person was in my mind. Reagan had started to stir something deep inside of me the moment she stepped back in town and I saw her. It was a shame that it took me awhile to catch on. And now that I’d let those feelings in, the never-ending possibilities were running wild.
I wasn’t even sure if Reagan would want children. There were so many things that we’d never discussed. We both had a rough life and I wondered if she felt like me on the inside. I wondered if it had hardened her to the point of no return. Unlike her, I was lucky enough to see love through my parents. I wanted nothing more than to share that with her and open her eyes to the beauty of it all. She had unlocked something in me and I was bound and determined to show her how it felt.
