Page 46 of Loch
I sat there for hours. I started to get antsy so I got up and paced the small area. At some point, Tank handed me a coffee and I held it for no better reason than to have something to do with my hands. Every time I looked down at my white shirt and saw Reagan’s blood smeared all over it, my anger flared up all over again. The brothers filled me in on everything going on back at the club. They had Lance alive and tied up in the basement. I didn’t take any calls and luckily everyone else handled everything. Other than that, it was quiet. We didn’t say anything to each other. There was no small talk. There was no club talk. I was glad for it but at the same time, it made the minutes tick by slowly.
“Loch?” An old familiar voice rang out. I turned to see Sara Ann standing in ugly blue scrubs. They had splatters of blood in various spots. Her light blonde hair was pulled back and longer than I remembered. Hell, it had to have been close to fifteen years since I’d seen her. She was a year younger than me and we grew up three doors away from one another.
I jumped up and walked over to her, beating everyone else by a step. Her eyes bounced around, pausing briefly on each of us. Any other person would have been intimidated by a bunch of big bikers towering over them. But Sara Ann knew all about the club. She even knew most of the older members.
“Is she…” I couldn’t bring myself to say the words.
“She’s stable. She’s breathing through a tube because her throat is swollen. But she’s breathing on her own. She’s unconscious but from what we can tell there is no head trauma. Her shoulder was dislocated and her nose is broken. Other than that, it’s mostly bruising and swelling.” She looked up at me and I could see all the questions in her eyes. I was thankful it was her. Had it been anyone else they wouldn’t have told me jack shit.
Ethel grabbed my hand and I’d completely forgot she was there. I felt bad. I had only been able to think about Reagan. I pulled Ethel into my side and wrapped my arm around her shoulders.
“You can see her. One at a time and keep it short. Rest is the best thing for her right now.” Sara Ann paused and looked around the room at all of us again. “Maybe only two of you tonight.” Her eyes flicked between Ethel and me. I nodded.
“You go first.” I nudged Ethel.
“No, Nathan. She needs you right now. I’ll be here when you’re done.” She shuffled off and took her seat ending the discussion.
I nodded then followed Sara Ann down the hall. Once we reached the room I stood there paralyzed as I look through the window at Reagan’s mangled face. Sara Ann shifted beside me and I felt her cold fingers touch my arm.
“Her ribs are bruised. She has some deep bruising on her side and stomach, but there is no internal bleeding,” she says softly beside me. “I did a pelvic exam and I saw no indication of trauma.” I breathed a sigh of relief. Not that it didn’t mean what she went through was bad enough.
The whole situation was sick. I saw enough to know that it was brutal and I wondered if I hadn’t shown up how much worse it would have gotten. Thoughts of how he would have killed her played in a sick loop inside my head. I felt the need to vomit but I swallowed hard, pushing it back down.
“Fuck,” I breathe out to no one in particular.
“This isn’t your fault, Nathan. I don’t know what happened, but I can tell you that you probably saved her life.” I could feel Sara Ann’s eyes on me but I didn’t lift my head. “I’ve got to call this in. There were too many nurses that saw, I’m sorry. But I can wait a little bit if you want.”
“No.” I shook my head. “Marshall’s got it taken care of. I can get him here if it comes to that.”
“Okay. If it comes to that I’ll let you know.” She paused for a moment. “You know, I never thought I’d see the day…” Her words had me looking over to her as I narrowed my eyes in question. “I’ve known a few women who wished you’d look at them with that look of love in your eyes. Maybe this isn’t the best time to say this, but she’s a lucky girl.” She patted my arm and walked off before I could respond. I took in a long breath through my nose before I pushed the door open.
Reagan looked so small and fragile. I had failed her. I had let this happen to her. I swallowed it all down and took her hand in mine. She needed my strength right now. I had to push all of my doubts and anger aside.
“Rea,” I whispered while lightly running circles over the back of her hand with my thumb. “If you can hear me, I’m so sorry. I know nothin’ I can ever do will make up for me lettin’ you down. For me not being able to protect you and stop this. You are the one beautiful thing in my dark world and I have failed you. I need you to open your eyes. I need to see you.”
I kissed the back of her hand before resting my forehead against it. I didn’t want to hurt her but I need to touch her. I needed to feel her close to me.
“I need you, Rea,” I whispered to the lonely room.
I closed my eyes remembering everything I could about her. I thought about her smile. How much she would frustrate me sometimes. How she would never back down to me and how much I loved that about her. I remembered how it felt to have her in my arms and how amazing it felt to be buried deep inside of her. How I never wanted to replace any of that with someone else.
I knew she would need time to heal after this. Not only her body but her mind as well. It was something she would never get over. Something she would live with for the rest of her life. But I didn’t want to push her to feel like she needed to get over it for me. She would need time to crawl inside of her head and deal with the reality of it all.
I sighed knowing what was to come was going to be a hard road to travel. Hard for me, but even harder for her. She didn’t deserve any of this. Her life had been one shit pile after another. I wondered if I would end up being another one. I should have let down my walls, manned the fuck up, and told her how much she meant to me. How much I fucking loved her. I should have pushed her to tell me what she was running from and what happened to her. I should have never let her close herself off from me. I didn’t deserve her. I wasn’t the man I should have been for her. The reality of that hit me in the gut like a sledgehammer. I could have stopped this. But instead, I was too busy hiding and being a fucking coward; afraid that if I pushed her I would lose her. Deep inside I knew I had.
I clenched my jaw. I was almost as angry at myself as I was at that sick fuck who did this to her. My blood boiled and I started to see red again. The thing was, I could beat Lance to death for it, but I couldn’t do the same to myself. I stood up and took one last, long look at her. I brushed her hair out of her face and kissed the top of her head lightly. I pulled out my phone and took a picture of her busted face. Mostly to remind myself how badly I’d messed up, but also so I could show Lance how he had fucked up. I was going to do everything he did to her and more.
Then I left.
Unable to speak, I nodded to Ethel before I headed out the front doors to the hospital. Bocca and Tank followed close behind me. I took in the first breath of fresh air I had in a while. It did nothing to lessen the sting.
“I called Brand,” Bocca said behind me. I nodded, feeling even more like shit that I’d forgotten about him. More promises I had broken. Fucking add it to the list of how shitty I was.
I stopped and turned around to meet Bocca’s eyes. I could see the anger radiating off of him and the sadness behind it. It hit me then, Reagan had tucked herself into each of our hearts. It was clear as day they all cared for her and this was killing each of us in our own way.
“He doesn’t sound well. Took Axe and Stone to hold him down and drag him away from the basement,” Bocca continued on about Brand. I had a feeling Brand cared for Reagan, but I was starting to wonder if there was more there than friendship. I shook it off. I couldn’t think about that now.
“Did you fuckin’ see her?!” I growled, throwing my arm out towards the hospital doors. I was quickly losing any of the calm I’d been trying to keep. Of course Brand wasn’t doing well. I wasn’t fucking doing well. I didn’t even know how I was still standing.
