Page 39 of Tempting the Player
“And what about you?”
“What about me?”
“Does she want to be with you, too?”
“Yes.” I never knew one word could make me go cold all over and make my stomach churn.
“And do you want to be with her?”
He stares at me, “No, babe, I'm in love with you, remember? I don’t want her, I told you that when she’d be back this time, it would be different. My feelings for you haven’t changed, and they never will. But I don’t know if I can do it to Lucia... I should… I have to put her first.”
“So you believe it’s in Lucia’s best interest to have her mother around. You’re here to end things with me, aren’t you?”
“Yes, I'm sorry, Kate - I don’t feel as though I have a choice.”
I nod coldly. “You promised you wouldn’t hurt me. You said that if I gave you a chance, you wouldn’t hurt me this time.” My voice breaks, betraying how upset I am.
“Please, babe . . . please don’t make this harder than it is.” He pleads with me.
“Don’t call me babe. Don’t ever call me babe ever again.” I'm silent for a minute, I barely recognise my voice when I whisper, “I let you in Jess’s life.” Bile rises in my throat at the thought of telling Jess that we’re not together. “What the hell am I supposed to tell her? You’re going to make me seem like a piece of shit to my own daughter when I tell her you’ve dumped me for someone else. Never mind the whole school!”
“Don’t you think I already feel shit about this? It's a mess. I don’t want to be with her, Kate, I want to be with YOU.” He’s shouting now. “I wanted us to be together forever, I hadn’t got around to telling you that part yet - but I'm torn apart by this - I owe it to Lucia to give her the family life that she always should have had, with her mum.” He puts his head in his hands and fists them in his hair.
“You’d better go.”
His head shoots up, and his gaze pierces me. “I'm sorry. I do love you, I do . . . so fucking much, I want you to believe that. Please don’t ever doubt my feelings for you. I've never been as happy as I have with you these last few months.”
We stare silently at one another, me - too shocked to speak - him, stuck for words.
After what feels like an age, he stands and goes to the door. He stops before opening it and, still facing the door, says quietly, “I'm so sorry, Kate.”
He walks out, leaving me alone.
I burst into tears. I slide my feet to my bottom and wrap my arms around my legs. I stay like that until lunchtime, feeling numb and incredibly stupid.
I realise with a start that I can't go to school later and face them. There’s no way I can face him, or worse, Nicki, at the playground. I phoned Patrick and asked if he could pick her up for me. He can tell there is something seriously wrong – I would never ask him to finish work early otherwise. He agrees and says he’ll bring her back here, and we can get a takeaway. Ha, like I feel like eating. It seems a pattern is forming here; men think they love me, but change their minds and move on to someone else. I thought this was it with Nathan; I felt it - he was happy, and I stupidly thought this was it for me, that he was the one.
Nicki is planning on settling down now, is she? Well, let’s see how long that lasts for them all. I hope she doesn’t hurt Lucia. As for Nate – well, he’s a big boy; he can take care of himself. My stomach churns. Will they share a bed? The one that I've been in many times. I can't believe that he believes she’ll be different this time, after all the promises he made to me about next time she turned up, how he wouldn’t fall for her empty words. Turns out that his words were the empty ones.
Chapter 16
The following week, I go through life like a zombie when I'm not with Jess. When I'm with her, I go on autopilot Mummy - so that she won’t see there’s anything wrong. But when she's at school, that's when I let it all out. I can't face anyone. Everyone is going to think that I am a first-class idiot, that I was someone to tide over time with until his true love came back. I'm sure that everyone in the schoolyard is laughing at me, everyone on his rugby team, their girlfriends – or that’s how it feels. I have never felt so low. I was low when Patrick told me he was leaving - but I wasn’t heartbroken - right now I’m heartbroken… and angry, very angry and so foolish. When Jess was at her dad's this past weekend, I stayed in my pyjamas all day and ate junk food. I binged-watched Netflix. Jess is the only one who's keeping me going.
I haven’t seen Nate or Nicki at school. Patrick has picked her up all week for me. I’ll have to face them sometime, but I can’t handle it right now.
Karen and Amanda came around as soon as I’d texted them what had happened. Karen called him every name under the sun, but it was Amanda’s opinion that shocked me. She asked me what I would do if the situation were reversed, knowing how important a solid family is to me. She made me think. Would I have made the same decision as Nathan? If Patrick told me he changed his mind, would I do it for Jess? I suppose we’ll never know. It has put doubt in my mind, doubt that he isn't a totalarsehole. I’d do anything for Jess. Maybe he was doing the same for his daughter?
Throughout the week, I received a couple of texts from him, asking how I was and inquiring about how Jess had taken the news. I ignore them. I told Jess that Lucia’s mummy is back, and they're going to try to be mummy and daddy again. She said, “But mummy, Nate is your boyfriend, will you not be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore?” So I had to explain that no, we wouldn't, but that she would still see Lucia lots.
She hasn’t this week, though. I told her that Lucia is busy with her mummy for a couple of weeks – the truth is, I couldn’t handle it, seeing them together like a happy family.
I have to face them sometime, and everyone else in the playground who will probably look at me with pity. I'm on my way to pick up Jess, dreading who’ll be there to collect Lucia – I'm praying it's Nate’s mum.
No such luck.
When I round the corner, I see her - Lucia is the image of her, so I know it’s her. She's different from anything I imagined – she seems normal. She’s quite short, with spikey dark hair, pointy little nose - elfin like. I imagined a brassy tart, made up and dressed ready for clubbing - but she’s the opposite, wearing jeans and a leather jacket. She doesn’t seem particularly friendly – not looking at any of the other parents, keeping herself to herself.
The mums that I've become friends with, Rose and Charlotte, come straight over when they notice me.
