Page 195 of Perfect
“Would you consider this to be an extreme level of violence?” I take a deep breath, working hard to keep my face neutral, but I accidentally glance at one of the photos.
“Given the situation, I view it as the appropriate level of violence.” Elise’s face is neutral, but her gaze becomes very sharp, reminding me I need to be wildly fucking careful with how I answer these questions. “I used the force I thought was required to defend myself and Alex. She had told me how violent Danny was, and I was terrified of him.” I work hard to deliver the lie effectively because I hate having to say it. “When I foundAlex, she had been kidnapped, beaten, stabbed, and was being brutally raped while she bled to death. I was terrified for her, to say the least, and I was shot and severely injured trying to rescue her. I did my best to make sure we were both safe.” The prosecutor looksskeptical.
“Don’t you think you could have just incapacitated Mr. Murphy to defend yourself?”
“No, Ineededto kill him,” I say slowly, and I see Elise purse her lips at me from the defense table. “During the fight, it was obvious that he wouldn’t stop until he killed me, and I needed to defend both myself and Alex.” The prosecutor gestures at the crime scene photos.
“Thatlevel of violence was required to defend yourself?”
“Yes,” I say a little too quickly, and Elise lookspissed. Fuck, I need to reign it in and get myself back under control.
“Do you regret killing Mr. Murphy?” I nod, trying to look pained. From the look on Elise’s face, I need to try harder.
“Of course I regret killing him,” I say, taking a deep breath and looking down at my hands. “I wish it hadn’t come to that, but the only way to get Alex out of that room was to kill Danny, and I would have done fuckinganythingto keep her alive.” My eyes prick with tears as I think about her on that bed, and I look back up at the prosecutor. “I would have let him killmeif that’s what it took to get her to the hospital, without hesitation. I truly regret what happened, but I don’t regret doing what I needed to do to save her. Ineverwould have killed him if herlife hadn’t been at risk. It’s horrifying to live with the guilt.” My eyes dart to Elise, who looks much less irritated with me now.
Several rows behind her in the gallery, I see Dr. Mills. I haven’t spoken to her since I thanked her, and I didn’t realize she’d been here, watching the trial.
I don’t miss how she blinks and purses her lips.
Shit.
***
After several days of deliberation, I’m decided not guilty by three votes.
Once the decision is read and the jury files out, Elise leans in and very quietly tells me she thinks I would have been put away for life if Alex hadn’t testified. I snort, looking down at Elise and trying not to smile.
“Oh, I’maware. I’m going to spend the rest of my life showing her just how grateful I am.” I look over my shoulder at where Alex is waiting in the first row of the gallery, and from the blush creeping across her face, I said that loud enough that she heard me.
I need to go pick up that ring I ordered back in February.
“Can Ipleasego home now?” She’s right there, and it’s been fuckingmonths. Elise raises her eyebrows at the impatient, adolescent whine in my voice.
“Donotleave this courtroom with a smile on your face. I’ll see you in a week.” I nod and walk away from her quickly, keeping my head down as I embrace Alex, kissing her forehead before I lead her out of the courtroom, my arm wrapped tight around her shoulders.
On our way out, I pointedly avoid looking at my very concerned-looking therapist loitering in the back of the small courtroom.
I don’t like how she’s looking at Alex.
***
The day before the parole revocation hearing, Elise visits, spreading out all the paperwork I need to review across the dining room table and explaining the proceedings to Alex, who stands close to me, my arm around her waist.
“Um, how likely is it that Theo’s parolewillget revoked?” Elise smiles at Alex, but her smile seems insincere to me.
“We can’t know for certain, but his parole officer is advising against it, so I think it should be fine.” Alex nods and walks out of the room, saying something about making coffee, and Elise levels me with a wary expression once she’s gone.
“Things have changed,” she says under her breath as she hands me a sheaf of paper from her bag. “This was submitted to the board yesterday.” I stare down at the papers, and all the panic I’ve been pushing down comes to the surface.
Dr. Mills filed a last-minute recommendation to revoke my parole.
"Can shedothis?" I hiss, and Elise shrugs.
“Yes, but some of her reasoning seems unethical. We’ll have you two testify against it – I’ve included a list of questions I’ll be asking – but you bothneedto keep it together, especiallyyou."
The edges of my vision swim red and my hands shake the more I read.
I can’t go back to fucking prison. I spent the entire last week making preparations just in case, but I wasn’t planning onneedingthem. The week home was way more complicated than I expected, and I can’t be away from Alex again.
