Page 196 of Perfect
I need to take care of her.
"Should I let you tell Alex?” Elise asks quietly as we hear Alex’s footsteps in the hallway. I tuck the papers away, nodding once and forcing a smile as Alex walks into the room.
I have no idea how I’m supposed to tell her.
***
I keep it from Alex until the next morning. She starts crying angrily as she reads it, and she barely calms down enough to read the questions she’s going to have to answer.
I don’t stop touching her until we reach the hearing room.
The board hears Officer Dent’s report first, which claims that I’ve met every term of parole and recommends strongly against revocation.
Dr. Mills disagrees.
She tells the board it’s her professional opinion that I’m an extreme recidivism risk. According to her, I’m a dangerous, dishonest, unstable person who has spent the better part of a year stalking Alex. It’s her opinion that, although I was acquitted of his murder, I either enjoyed killing Daniel Murphy or genuinely believed it was the right thing to do, and most likely perjured myself to get acquitted.
She’s not wrong.
Dr. Mills finishes by telling the board that she recommends that my parole should be revoked, mostly to protect Alex’s safety.
When I hear that, I shoot a quick glance at Alex, who looks fucking mutinous.
Elise calls Alex and I to testify in my defense, but Alex can’t keep her cool. She starts to cry as she vehemently tells the board that Dr. Mills is full of shit, that I’veneverstalked her or abused her, and that we have an extremely healthy relationship.
From the look on Dr. Mills’ face, I might not be the only one who can tell she’s lying.
When Elise questions me, I try to stay calm as I explain that I believe Dr. Mills is unprofessionally biased against me based on her own misunderstandings and professional insufficiencies, which are not reflective of myself or my actions.
It’s a mistake to look over at Alex, because she’s on the verge of tears and biting her nails. I know she did that as a kid, but I’veneverseen her do it, and I lose my temper.
My voice is caustic as I tell the board that Dr. Mills is unethically abusing her power to punish me for not respectingher, and that she’s willfully conflating a traumatic case of self-defense with recidivism because she’s an incompetent fucking idiot who should be fired at once.
Only Alex and Dr. Mills look unsurprised by how angry I am.
When the board revokes my parole, Alex becomes furious and calls Dr. Mills a fucking cunt in front of the whole room, which is shocking even to me. Alex is so upset she has to be removed from the room, and as I watch her get escorted out, I catch her eye and mouthI love youright before I start losing my mind.
I’m unwilling to let her out of my sight for aminute, much less a fuckingyear.
I can’t keep her safe if I’m in prison.
I turn to stare at Dr. Mills, and I let her see on my face what I think about her and her bullshit interpretation of my relationship, how I feel about going back to prison, and just how much I agree with Alex.
57
ALEX
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 28
Bailey sits with me outside the courtroom as I wait to be called to testify, rubbing soothing circles against my back as I focus on grounding techniques my therapist has taught me.
“Do you want me to come in with you? I can stay here,” she offers quietly.
“Um, if…if I say yes, can…will you pretend you never heard any of it?” Bailey slips her hand into mine and squeezes.
“Of course, babe. I’ll be there for you however you need.” I grip her hand, unable to look her in the eye, and we sit there until the bailiff comes to collect me.
***
