Page 185 of Perfect
“Theodore, do you realize how concerning that is?”
“See,theseare the kinds of dumb fucking questions that make it apparent to me that the state has no interest in hiring someone evenremotelycompetent to work with parolees.” Her eyes flash with irritation. “Of course I see whyyouthink it’s concerning, but you’re a fucking idiot if you think there’s any point to me living without her.” She nods down at her notes and clears her throat before looking at me sharply.
“Do you think the codependent dynamic present in your relationship is healthy for either of you?” I raise my eyebrows at her.
“Youobviously think it’s unhealthy, but I think Alex and I can decide what works for us.” She looks down at her notes again, and I can tell she’s getting upset under that neutral facade of hers.
“Let me ask you this: considering what she’s been through, do you think Alex is in a stable enough emotional space right now to make the right choice for herself regarding your relationship?” I raise my eyebrows at her in amusement.
“You donotknow Alex.Believe me when I tell you she knew all her options and took her time deciding what to do. I know her well enough to trust that she chose what’s right for her, so I’m not questioning her decision.”
Technically, I’vealreadyquestioned her decision. Not because I didn’t trust her, but because I needed to understand.
I wish I hadn’t asked.
Dr. Mills gives me a sharp look. “Do you think one of your motivations for not questioning Alex’s decision is because it ultimately benefits you?” I cross my arms.
“No.” Her eyebrows raise quickly.
“I’ll speak very plainly, Theodore. I know you care about Alex, and I think it’s wonderful that you saved her life, but I don’t think you’re prioritizing her needs in this situation.”
I narrow my eyes at her. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Well, I’d love to hear your perspective, because it seems to me that Alex is in an extremely vulnerable emotional state and you’ve found a way to reel her back into a relationship that is, by your own previous account, unhealthy for her.” Dr. Mills’ voice is sharper than I’ve ever heard, and I laugh and shake my head.
“You’ve got a fundamental misunderstanding about how our relationship works if you thinkthat’swhat happened.”
“What am I misunderstanding? Please enlighten me.”
“No.” Dr. Mills raises her eyebrows.
“Why not?”
“Because Alex no longer gives a shit about me participating in therapy, so your misconceptions about me or my relationship aren’t my fucking problem anymore.”
Dr. Mills clears her throat and gives me a terse smile. “Did Alex say why she no longer cares about you trying to work on yourself?” I grit my teeth for a moment.
“Shefeels like all the work I’ve done in therapy has made me a better person and a better partner.” I hate that Alex thinks the woman in front of me had even the slightest hand in it, and I really hate that she might be right. “She thinks I should be thanking you for helping mereel her back in,” I say, putting as much disdain as I can manage in the words. Dr. Mills looks like she’s tasted something extremely bitter, and she stares at me for a moment, her mouth tightening.
“You’re completely aware that you’re taking advantage of her, aren’t you?” Her voice is quiet and tense, and I bristle immediately.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” I snap, rolling my eyes, “I’m usingyourwords, not mine, and I’m done listening to you about my goddamn relationship anyway.”
“Why is that? Is it because I’ve pointed out that you consistently take advantage of Alex’s inability to make healthy choices for herself at this point in her life?” I lean across the table instantly, and Dr. Mills jerks back, looking uncomfortable with how close I am.
“Donotdisrespect Alex by underestimating her ability to make decisions for herself, do you fucking understand me?” I see Dr. Mills look towards the door and shake her head quickly at the guard I’m sure is watching, so I sit back slowly, crossing my arms over my chest again.
“Let me be very fucking honest with you, foronce. You don’t understand our relationship because you’ve never had all the details, so you’ve based your bullshit opinions on whatever it isI’vedecided to tell you. I don’t tell you a lot of things, and I usually lie about whatever I do tell you.” She looks astonished that I’ve admitted that. “I don’t lie to Alex anymore. I’ve been honest with her about fuckingeverything,and she’s still chosen to love me for who I am. I don’t deserve her, but Irespectherchoice, and so should you.” I look away from Dr. Mills, focusing on the clock, my knee bouncing quickly.
There’s only one reason I’m even talking to her, and I need to stop dicking around and say it.
“Alex gets to make whatever fucking choices she wants to because she’salive.” I close my eyes for a minute, trying to breathe and fight off the memory of her on that bed.“She’s onlyalivebecause I found her in time, and I only found her in time because you pissed me off so fucking badly that I left Salem half an hour early, sothank you,” I grit out, keeping my voice quiet.
Dr. Mills looks mildly shocked, and I look back at the clock as tears prick at the corner of my eyes. I technically have twenty-five minutes left, but I need to leave immediately.
When I look back at Dr. Mills, she has a scrutinizing look on her face that sets me on edge.
“Theodore,” she asks quietly, “how exactlydidyou find her?”
