Page 145 of Perfect
“You asked me to try, so I’m trying,” he says miserably, “and I fuckinghateit. Now that I’m being evenslightlymore open with Dr. Mills, she’s been asking all these invasive fucking questions about my impulses, and my family, and my relationship with Ashley, and my friendship with Kevin, which is all shit Idon’tthink about. She’s so goddamn nosy and she’s digging deeper than I want her to, and it’s fuckingawful.” He shakes his head, exhaling harshly.
“What’s worse than that is she keeps getting in my fucking head about this. The better things go between us, the harder dealing with her gets. I can tell she’s always thought us dating was a bad idea, but she seems very against us being together now, especially because I’m almost positive she knows I was stalking you.” I look at him in surprise, and he shrugs. “I was so fucked up after Christmas that I tried to actually talk to her, and it was a huge mistake.”
“How much does she know?”
He snorts. “Nothing concrete. I’m delusional, honey, notstupid, but everything was so hard to deal with that I accidentally let some things slip. I can tell from her questions that she’s put it together, she just has no evidence to give to the parole board.”
“Well, I’m not surprised she’s figured it out. You’re a pretty bad liar, except to yourself.” This earns me a pained look, and I shoot him a small smile and tap his foot with mine. “So, she doesn’t even know everything and still thinks we shouldn’t be together?” Theo runs his hands through his hair and lets out a derisive laugh.
“Yeah, pretty much. Dr. Mills thinks that this relationship is keeping me from addressing any of my issues, which iswrong, and that you haven’t dealt with how deeply traumatized you are from Danny, which I’mpositiveshe’s right about, and she keeps insinuating that you probably feel coerced into giving me a chance, which I’mterrifiedof, or that I’m taking advantage of you and pushing you into some fucking codependent situation, which I haveno ideaabout, but she’s probably right about that, too.”
No wonder he doesn’t like his therapist.
He leans back in his chair and drags his hands down his face, sighing heavily. “I’m just having a hard time acknowledging that she might be right about some of it. It’s all so fucking differentfrom how I feel, but that’s the big problem, right? I’m painfully aware that I’m not the most in touch with reality when it comes to you or this relationship. I’m really worried that itisbad for you, but I have no fucking idea. She seems to think it’s not good for me, but that’s because she’s a fucking idiot.” He laughs bitterly.
I look out at the river, considering what he's saying. I’ve been trying to focus on myself – what I want, what I need, how I feel, and if this is right forme– but I’ve never even considered that us dating might be bad for Theo.
My heart catches in my throat and I swallow it down, trying not to panic.
“Well, what do you think about what she’s saying? Would it be better for you if we didn’t keep doing this? Is that what you want?”
Theo goes very still, staring at me intensely.
“I want to prioritize what’s right foryou,” he says slowly, his voice apprehensive but warm. Something loosens inside of me, and a rush of affection for him passes through me.
“I appreciate that, but I care about you, and I want to know whatyouwant.” Everything about Theo’s demeanor sharpens and his gaze becomes deadly serious as he leans forward towards me.
“Alex, I wantyou.” My stomach flips and my breath catches at the intensity behind his words. “I wanteverythingfrom you, and I want it right fucking now. I hate this dating bullshit we’re doing. I can’t stand being away from you for a second and I miss you all the fucking time. I try not to think about you, but it’s all I do. I can’t even go an hour without thinking about you, and that’s on a good day. Dr. Mills says I’m supposed to do things for myself, but I’d rather do everything for you. Fuck, I’m only even working on myself in therapy because you want me to. I want to give you everything you want, but I want you to wantthis. I wantyou to wa-” He clears his throat and looks away from me, staring at his feet, and I can feel tears pricking behind my eyes.
“Listen, I think Dr. Mills might have a point that it’s a bad idea for you to be with me, but I’m too fucking selfish to walk away from you. I can’t do it. I don’t deserve you, but you’re all I want, so I’ll take whatever you’re offering me.”
I look away from him, blinking quickly to keep my tears from falling. I sit back in my chair, pulling my hair up into a ponytail and taking it out repeatedly just to have something to do with my hands as I watch the cargo ships drift slowly up and down the river, working through my feelings and trying to keep from crying.
I wasn’t ready to havethisconversation with him, but it’s already happening, so I take a deep breath and exhale slowly, bracing myself.
“Theo, I think your therapist is right that I shouldn’t be seeing you.” I hear him stop breathing, but I can’t look at him. “I can see that you’re trying hard to be better, and whether you’re doing it for me or not doesn’t matter, because it’s good for you either way. No matter how much work you do, though, you still fuckingstalkedme and forced me into a relationship. You took over my whole life, a life I had just started to build after escaping Danny, and thatsucked. I mean, it sucked so badly that I pushed you to get you to kill me, just so I could get away from you.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see him place his head in his hands, his knees jumping so hard that his whole body shakes.
“Oh, my fucking god,” he mutters under his breath over and over, his voice panicky, and I feel a slight pang of guilt. He apparently hadn’t put that together, and this was the wrong time to tell him. I give him a minute to calm down before I take a deep breath and continue.
“It’s my choice what to do here, Theo, and I’m trying to make sure that if I choose this for myself, it’s something I docompletely outside of how you’re feeling. Part of why I’m going slow with you is to give myself every opportunity to walk away from you, which I know Ishould.” I can see him watching me closely out of the corner of my eye, but I can’t look at him or I’ll start sobbing. I look upwards at the porch roof instead, trying to keep it together.
“I’m not stupid enough to think dating my former stalker is a good idea. Iknowthat I shouldn’t be with you. I’ve weighed out all the pros and cons and you lose every time, by ahugefucking margin. I know the right move, thesmartmove, is to walk away from you, and I’m trying so hard to be smart about this.” I take a shaking breath and finally look over at his shocked and devastated face. “It’s not working, Theo, it’s just not.” His face goes blank and his whole body starts to shake, and I can’t help laughing a little.
“Teddy, I’ve thought about this so much, and I’m done giving a shit about what I should do.” His eyes widen as his face shifts from devastation to confusion. “I should have left you in Yachats, but I didn’t. I shouldn’thave given you a chance, but I did. I shouldget up and walk away from you right now, but I’m not going to. I only care about what I want to do,and I wantyou.” Theo looks like he’s going to cry, and I can feel my eyes start to water too. “I have all the choices in my life back, and now I get to choose you.”
Theo stares at me for a long minute, and I can see he’s trying to figure out whether this is real.
“Alex, are you fucking serious?” His voice is soft and disbelieving. I laugh a little and shrug, wiping away the tears forming on my lash line.
“Of course. I meant it when I told you I’d choose you if I had the option.” His expression softens into something completely vulnerable and hopeful, and his eyes roam over me, landing onmy lips, and he starts leaning towards me, slowly crossing from his space to mine.
Fear lances through me as he leans forward, and I jerk away from him, standing up and stumbling back a few steps. He looks confused and hurt, and I shake my head, wrapping my arms around myself to attempt to contain how I’m feeling.
This is exactly what I want, but I know everything is going to change the second he touches me. We’re about to be together,reallytogether, and I don’t know if I’m ready.
I’ve never been in love before.
