Page 201 of Perfect
“I have to go to Boston,” I say. “Suzie helped me with Danny’s estate, but I’ve been putting off dealing with the house for months.” Theo’s mouth becomes a thin line, and he shakes his head slightly as his grip on my hands becomes almost bruising.
“Don’t. Wait until I’m out, or hire someone to do it, butpleasedon’t go back to Boston,” he begs.
“Teddy, you know I’m coming back, right?” He looks away from me quickly, shrugging. “Baby,” I chide, and he exhales harshly.
“How long will you be gone?”
“I don’t know. A few weeks, maybe?” Theo swallows hard, looking nauseous.
“Fuck, Alex. When do you leave?”
I glance up at the clock, sucking in a sharp breath. “Um, in about six hours.” Theo makes an aggravated noise and yanks his hands away from me, running them through his hair and shooting me a dirty look.
“Youseriouslydidn’t mention this to me atanyfucking point this week?” I wince, feeling a surge of guilt. I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell him that I was putting off this trip so he could come with me.
“I only bought the tickets last night. I need to get it over with.” He nods tersely, running his hands through his hair again.
“Fine. Where are you staying?”
I look at him incredulously. “Thehouse, Theo.”
“Absolutely the fuck not,” he snaps. I open my mouth to argue, and he shoots me a sharp look. “This is non-negotiable, Alexandria. I’m not letting you stay in that fucking house. I want you to be comfortable and I need to know you’re safe, so you’ll stay at a nice fucking hotel.” He clears his throat, his jaw tightens, and he leans across the table, taking my hands in his again. “Pleasedon’t be stubborn about this.” I take in the darkcircles under his eyes and how on edge he seems, and I squeeze his hands.
“Whatever you want.” He nods, looking down at the table for a minute, trying and failing to compose himself.
“Could younotdrop these things on me out of nowhere? I’m freaking the fuck out about being away from you as it is,” he snaps.
“Yeah, of course. I’m so sorry.” He sighs and looks up at the ceiling.
“I’msorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
My heart breaks a little at how panicked he looks when the guard tells us it’s time for the visitors to leave a minute later. Theo kisses me urgently before we have to separate, holding my face in his hands.
“I love you. Be safe. Answer when I call,” he begs.
“I love you, too. I’ll be back soon, okay?”
He doesn’t look like he believes me.
58
ALEX
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 5
Boston feels strange to me – the familiar sights and well-traveled roads feel foreign. I check into my hotel and order room service, spending the rest of the night in the bathtub with a bottle of wine.
The next morning, I take a rideshare to the house, and when I pull Danny’s keys out of my bag, I’m shaking so hard that I can barely open the door. The door swings open and walking into the house feels like stepping back into a different version of my life, and it’s so overwhelming that I sprint upstairs for the big guest room, my old childhood bedroom with the Alice in Wonderland murals long since painted over, and I hide in the closet and cry the way I used to when I was a kid.
When Theo calls, I talk to him as I walk through the house, and he helps me keep a handle on my anxiety until I step into the bedroom I shared with Danny. I run to the bathroom and vomit immediately, and when Theo begs me to go back to the hotel, I do.
The next morning, I go to the cemetery near my old house and visit my parents’ graves for the first time since I buried them. They were two miles away for nine years, but I never visited them because I thought they would have hated who I’d let myself become.
I sit on the grass with my coffee and tell them everything that happened after they died, about Danny, about running away, about my life in Astoria, about Theo, about wanting to see them when I was dying, all of it. I cry on and off for hours as I talk to them, feeling lighter with everything I tell them.
By the time I leave the cemetery, I feel unburdened.
Theo calls as I walk to a nearby restaurant that my mom used to love, and Theo starts to lose his cool when he hears the sounds of cars and people in the background. He begs me not to walk anywhere alone again, sounding close to a panic attack. I don’t want to lie to him, but I know he needs to look at me to tell if I’m lying, so I agree.
