Page 200 of Perfect
He won’t acknowledge that any of it is a precaution, and I don’t push it.
When I talk to my therapist about what happened when we tried to have sex, Theo’s in the same room on his computer. He has headphones on, but I know he’s listening because when my therapist recommends trying again, he gives my laptop a dirty look and shakes his head. Later that day, I walk into the office wearing nothing but his college sweater and sit on the edge of his desk while he’s on a call with someone at Anderson Timber. His pupils dilate as he sees the hem of the sweater riding high up my thighs, but he looks away quickly, his knee bouncing rapidly.
I want to push, but I don’t.
As the week goes on, we get moments together where everything feels right. For an hour here or there, we feel normal, wrapped up in each other and smiling and joking like nothing happened. We spend most of the week in the kitchen, on the couch watching TV, on the porch watching the ships, or in bed holding each other tightly.
When I make dinner for him one night, he leans against the counter next to the stove, watching me with wide eyes and smiling the whole time. We run together on Sunday, and it feels like any other week as we finish our run, chatting and walking to the coffee shop hand in hand.
Being in the coffee shop is a different story, however. It’s packed, and Theo’s tense immediately. When a man steps too closely into my space, Theo’s arm is hard around my waist as he hauls me against him. His entire body is rigid and slightly shaking, and when I look up at him, his face is blank. On the walk home, he keeps his arm tight around my shoulders and makes us cross the street twice to avoid walking near other people.
When I ask him about it, I find out that his anxiety about my safety has gottenmuchworse than I realized.
The day before the parole hearing, Elise visits to talk us through what will happen and tells us it should be fine, but after she leaves, Theo’s a wreck and won’t let me leave his side for a second. I lay in his arms that night and he promises me that everything will be okay, that no matter what happens he’s going to take care of me, that if worse comes to worst there’s only a year left on his sentence anyway, and I start to get more and more nervous.
I don’t want to be away from him ever again.
I don't feel safe without him.
***
I pace in the hallway once I’m removed from the hearing room for screaming at Theo's therapist, furious and heartbroken and fighting to ground myself before I have a panic attack. Elise finally exits the room and sighs when she sees me.
"I'm sorry this was the outcome," she says, gripping my shoulder briefly. "Theo's already asked me to pursue every avenue to have that woman's license revoked."
I sigh angrily. "Good. When can I see him?"
“Alex,” Elise says gently, “you won’t be able to see him for at least three weeks while he’s processed back into prison.” I gape at her in horror. “I’ll swing by tomorrow to help you get registered, okay?” I go numb and nod absently, wandering away from Elise in a daze.
I don’t remember a minute of the drive home.
When I walk into the house, I realize I don’t like being alone in it anymore. It feels empty without Theo now, too big without his intense, frenetic energy taking up so much space, and it makes me feel like I’m shrinking away again. I text Suzie that I won’t be at work for a few days before I grab two bottles of wine and head for the bathroom, sitting in the hot bath and drinking.
For the first time since I got out of the hospital, I remember exactly why I had such a bad drinking problem for so long.
***
The first time I visit Theo in prison, he’s a nervous wreck. He holds me so tightly it’s hard to breathe as he kisses me desperately before asking me question after question about how I’m feeling, what I’ve been doing, how therapy is going, if I’m eating, how much I’m drinking,everything.
We’ve talked about all this over the phone, but I think he wants to see if I’m lying.
I try to calm him down, but his anxiety is worse than I’ve ever seen it. The table is shaking because his knee is bouncing so hard, and his hands are so tight around mine that it hurts. I ask him how he is, but he doesn’t want to discuss it. I beg, and he tells me prison is worse than he remembers. He hates thepeople, hates the food, hates the lack of agency, but all of it pales in comparison to how much he hates being away from me.
“Fucking Dr. Mills,” he spits. His jaw clenches, and he exhales hard. “I swear to god I’m going to kill her the second I get out of here,” he mutters under his breath, shaking his head slightly. I snort and roll my eyes at him.
“Yeah,right. We've already filed a complaint against her with the state board, and Elise says she's looking into every avenue to get back at her.”
"I want her to lose everything," Theo says quietly. When I look at him closely, he seems like he’s staring right through me, and a wave of dread rolls through me.
“Oh, you better be fucking joking,” I hiss at him. He nods absently, and I lean forward, yanking my hands out of his and fighting off tears.
“Look at me, Theodore.” His eyes focus on mine, his gaze sharp. “Danny was one thing, but Iwillleave you if you eventhinkabout killing her,” I whisper harshly. He frowns, his jaw tensing.
“It was just a joke, Alex.” I lift my thumb to my mouth and start biting my nail, and Theo begins to look nervous. “Honey, I’m just upset, okay? YouknowI’d never do that.” I stare at him, scrutinizing his face, my stomach churning.
“You’re not allowed to lie to me anymore,” I say quietly. His eyes go wide, and he opens his mouth to say something, but the guards cut him off by calling out that we have five minutes, and I wince. “I’m not going to be here next week,” I say quickly, and Theo’s face drains of all color as he leans forward, reaching for me.
“Alex,listen to me, okay? It was a bad joke, I promise, sopleasedon’t fucking do this.” His voice is panicked, so I slip my hands back into his and rub my foot up his calf slowly to calm him down.
