Page 44 of Stay With Me
I move to climb off his lap, the water already running cold behind us. We both rush through washing our hair and bodies, neither of us saying a word. He steps out of the shower before me, kissing my shoulder softly, then disappearing from the bathroom. I stand under the stream, letting the water rush over my face, clearing my head as I try to process. Did he really just ask me to marry him?
Well, no, he didn’t. it was more of a command than a question. I know I love him. More than anyone else I’ve ever known. But I’m still haunted by the consequences of the things that have happened to me. I could never give Everett the kind of life he wants. I could never give him a family. He’s told me before that as long as he has me, he doesn’t need anything else in his life. But I don’t know if he’ll feel the same way 5 years from now when all our friends are married and surrounded by their beautiful children. I’ve seen the way he is with Scarlett and Silas. He’s going to be an incredible father some day, of that I have no doubt.
No matter how badly I want to have that, it’s never going to happen. As I shut the water off, stepping out of the shower and drying off, I find myself cursing my body for the first time in my life. After my attack, the anger I felt towards everyone and everything was so overwhelming. Nightmares consumed me every night. But sinceI’ve been with Everett, I can feel the pain chipping away little by little. I don’t want to let him go, but I don’t want to hold him back either.
Walking into the bedroom, I find him sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at his feet. His mind is somewhere else. A plain black tee and grey sweats have never looked so gorgeous on any man as they do on Everett. I can see my life five years from now. With Everett, it would always be full of love and fun, never lacking in passion. But what about ten, or even twenty years from now? Would he end up resenting me for everything I couldn’t give him? Or would the same passion still burn? Will we become one of those couples who suffer in silence for years, both of us walking the same path but still utterly alone? That isn’t the life I want for him. We’ve both already sacrificed so much for each other. We’ve proven time and time again that each of us would choose the other over anyone else. So why am I struggling so much with this? I have a nagging feeling of self-sabotage, but my fears and doubts are so overwhelming.
“I can hear you thinking from all the way over here, Kels. Care to share?” He asks, patting the spot on the bed next to him.
“I just-” I sit down on the bed next to him, raking my hands through my hair as I try to make sense of my jumbled thoughts. “Is that… is that something you actually want? Or were you just so overcome bymy incredible sexual skills that you had to blurt out the first thing that came to mind?”
“You are incredibly talented in that department. I won’t lie.” He laughs. “But I thought I made it pretty obvious that you are what I want, Kelsea. After everything we’ve both had thrown at us over the past year, there’s nothing more clear to me than the fact that I want to spend my life with you. I know it’s probably a little fast, but I’m not the type to make impulsive decisions. I know when I leave your side, I miss you as soon as I’m gone. When I’m away, I just wanna see you, hold you, kiss you, do anything just to make you smile or hear your laugh. When we’re together, I’m happy to just lie on the couch next to you, watch your stupid dating shows, or go out and show you off to the world. As long as I’m by your side, I’m happy. I'm fucking staggered when I look at you, Kelsea. Not just because of your beauty, but because of the fact that every single thing I've ever wanted is right in front of me.”
I choke back the sobs his beautiful words illicit. I’m desperate to believe him, knowing he would never tell me anything he didn’t absolutely mean. But I don’t think anyone ever realizes how overthinking slowly kills you. I don't think they see how it twists your mind, making you think these thoughts you wish weren't yours. I don’t want to doubt him, but I can’t stop doubting myself.
“You have made it obvious, Everett. I know youmean those things right now. But what about five years from now? Or even ten? What happens when everyone around us is happy and growing their families and you are just… stuck with me?” I hate how small and weak my voice sounds, but I can’t help it. Everything I fear the most is playing out in front of me right now.
“Seriously, Kels? I know you’re scared about this, but we have so many options! I was sitting right next to you when the doctors told you it would be difficult, butnotimpossible. There are doctors we can see, fertility clinics. And if it doesn’t work, we can look into other options, baby.” He is so sincere as he strokes my cheek gently.
“But if I truly love you, why would I put you through that?” I cry.
He stands abruptly, pain and frustration all over his face. I can see his heart breaking, but I feel helpless to stop it. I want to believe everything he says, but I think about my parents. I’ve never seen two people who feel so emotionally detached from each other, yet they’re bound together, trapped in a marriage neither of them is willing to let go of. That will not become my life. I’d never do that to Everett.
“Ev, please try to understand where I’m coming from. I just don’t want either of us to wake up years from now and regret a decision like this or worse, resent each other. I’m scared,” I beg him to see things from my side, but I can see the moment he shuts down.
When he speaks again, his voice is cold and distant. “If you honestly believe I could ever regret a single second I’ve ever spent with you, Kelsea, then you don’t know me at all.”
He stomps out of the room, slamming the door behind him. The tears I’ve been choking back finally fall like acid rain, burning a path down my cheeks as my heart rips wide open.
thirty-three
Two hours later,Everett still hasn’t returned home. I’m sitting on the back porch, three fingers of Jameson 18 Year in a glass on the table next to me. I’m numb, replaying all the ways our conversation could have gone differently. I've always been the type to sabotage the good things in my life. When I was young, my mother would constantly tell me I was undeserving of anything that brought me joy. If I won a pageant, it was a lucky break. If I didn’t win, it was even worse. A lifetime of constantly being berated by the people who are supposed to love you the most has warped the way I see love.
I draw my legs up to my chest, wrapping my arms tightly around them. Tears still fall lazily from my eyes, just as they have since the moment Everett walked out.It’s a cool night tonight. I really should have brought a blanket or something, but I feel like I deserve to feel uncomfortable right now. It makes the pain in my heart feel more at home.
I don’t want to let the negativity in, don’t want to let my fears tear apart something we’ve worked so fucking hard to keep together. But I don’t know how to quiet the voice in the back of my mind that keeps telling me he’ll change his mind, that I’ll make him miserable.
The back door swings open and I feel a momentary pang in my heart, wishing it was Everett coming back. Breaker steps out onto the porch and my face falls.
“Damn. Most people aren’tthatdisappointed to see me,” he says sarcastically.
“Sorry, I thought you were Everett.” I give him a smile, but it doesn’t reach my eyes. “If you’re looking for Rory, she’s in her room.” I wave him off, hoping he’ll take the hint and leave me alone to wallow.
Instead, he sits in the chair across from me. He leans back, fingers steepled under his chin, and takes a deep breath. “Well? You gonna make me beg or just tell me what’s wrong?”
I scoff at the thought of the man in front of me ever begging for anything from anyone. “You really don’t strike me as the begging type, Break.”
“You’re not wrong. But I can tell you’ve been crying. Wouldn’t be very friendly of me to ignore that, would it? I’ve been told I need to be… friendlier.” He grumbles.
“Who could have possibly suggested that?” I ask, giving him a teasing side eye. He looks back at me, his face deadpanned, as if there’s anyone who could ever give him an order he would follow. Anyone other than Rory, of course. She could ask him to fling himself off a cliff and I’m sure he would do it, but he’d never admit he did it for her.
“Whats wrong, Kelsea?” He asks me, straight up.
“Ev and I got into a fight,” I minimize, not wanting to admit that I know I’m wrong here.
He gestures for me to go on, and I huff out an annoyed sigh. Id much rather talk to Ember or Rory about this. At least then I may have a sliver of a chance that one of them agrees with me.
“He asked me to marry him,” I whisper. Breaker’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline in surprise. “Well, he didn’t ask so much as… command,” I smirk.
