Page 61 of A Lady’s Fairytale Come True
“I told you. It was neglect. And I wish I could go back and undo all of it. Anyway, after Miss Digby departed, I found Miss Hawthorne again. I told her that I am deeply sorry if she felt betrayed by me. It was never my intention. I ended the contact because I believed it to be for the best.”
“Who’s best?” his grandmother asked.
“Both of ours. And I told her that, as well. She needs to be with someone who really loves her. I told her that, wonderful and beautiful though she is, that isn’t me. I do not love her, even though I once wished I could,” he said.
“That is noble of you. In fact, it is such a blend of selfish and noble that I do not blame her for questioning it. I do not know whether to be proud of you for ending it or scold you for it. At the time, I knew it was right because I wished for you and Miss Digby to meet. But looking back, perhaps I ought to have instructed you differently,” she said.
“It is not instruction that I needed. I wish that I had been wiser, grandmother. I wish that I had considered each of these women with the respect they deserve instead of being so caught up in my own joy that I scarcely noticed theirs.”
Nathaniel hung his head again, feeling the weight of his emotions. He was so angry at himself, disappointed that he had let all of this happen. How could he have made these mistakes? How could he have been such a fool? Now he had lost Miss Digby as a result.
He didn’t want to weep in front of his grandmother, but the temptation to do so was great. Nathaniel sucked in the air as best he could to compose himself.
“Was that the end of your conversation with the young woman?” Lady Kirby asked him.
“After that, I told her that she ought not to have hurt Miss Digby. I was furious that she had done so, that she had suggested I would abandon her because of my mistakes before,” he said.
“Yes, I imagine she wanted to destroy your happiness as she feels that you have destroyed hers,” Lady Kirby commented.
“Well, she seems to have succeeded. I have lost Miss Digby forever,” he mourned.
“Not forever. You don’t know that. I understand now, and she may as well. I am sorry for having accused you so harshly, Nathaniel,” Lady Kirby said.
He nodded, wondering if this was the end of the conversation or if she was going to scold him about anything else now that this was out of the way.
“I believe you have but one choice. And that is, of course, that you fight for her,” she said with a sudden eagerness.
Nathaniel looked up at her as if she were mad. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. How could she even think that was an option? Miss Digby would never wish to see him again, not after all of this. He was far too disappointed in himself, too weak to be able to proceed onwards.
“Maybe I never really deserved her after all,” he said quietly in his shame. “I have done nothing to earn being with such an excellent lady as Miss Digby. A woman like that deserves a man far beyond me.”
“You cannot believe that,” Lady Kirby replied.
“It is the truth. I do not deserve her, and I cannot think what her life would be like without me, the heartache she could have avoided.”
“She would not have known such fantastic riches either,” Lady Kirby reminded him.
“Riches that she now has to live without. Before, she had no thought of what life would be like with them. Now she is doomed to be without. Not that it ever mattered to her. She is not the sort of woman who craves wealth. That was one of the many things I had grown to love about her.”
“Stop speaking in the past tense, Nathaniel. You still love her. And you may yet make things right with her,” she urged him.
“No. I cannot think so. The best thing now would be for me to leave her alone,” he replied, feeling the weight of the words.
Nathaniel knew it was going to be agony choosing that path. But it was the right one. He had to give her space, respect her enough not to hurt her any further. He had already ruined everything for Miss Digby and had wounded her beyond what either of them could bear. It was foolishness to think that she would ever wish to be with him again after all he had done.
He didn’t deserve her forgiveness.
And yet, he also knew that Miss Hawthorne had been deeply wrong in her assumption that he would do the same thing to Miss Digby. He would never hurt her like that. His love for her was true and genuine, not simply something ordained by others as his courtship to Miss Hawthorne had been.
No matter how the arrangements had begun, both ordered by others, they had turned into two very different things. With Miss Hawthorne, it was duty that bound Nathaniel to the courtship. But with Miss Digby, it was love.
He looked up at his grandmother, hesitant to know what she thought of him in that moment. Did he seem pathetic to her? As he did to himself?
“Nathaniel, you needn’t feel this way. Mistakes happen and forgiveness happens,” she said.
“She has already forgiven me of so much. There is no reason that Miss Digby should trust me now. I have wounded her so much. I cannot blame her if she chooses to move on with her life without me. It would be better for her if she did so,” he pointed out.
His grandmother’s facial expression changed drastically. From her sympathy to a sternness he had scarcely seen in her, she seemed quite determined. “Very well. You may pity yourself for your poor actions. But there is something you ought to know before you make up your mind entirely,” she began.
