Page 15 of Bring Me Back
“That’s not my name, by the way. I mean, it is now. But it hasn’t always been,” she says, and Rory barks out a laugh.
“Well, shit. It’s like we don’t even know you!” Rory laughs harder until tears well in the corner of her eyes. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. This is not a funny situation. It’s just…the shit that happens in this family is insane!”
Willow’s shoulders shake, and I hug her a little tighter, until I realize she’s laughing, too. All the girls dissolve into laughter. Eli and I exchange confused looks, and Breaker just leans against the counter, completely unsurprised by the strange interaction happening in front of us. Fucking crazy, they’re all fucking crazy.
“Well, let’s have it. What is your real name?” Ember asks, wiping tears from the edge of her eyes. Willow takes a steadying breath, sitting up straight on her bar stool but keeping her arm wrapped around my back.
“Lily. My name is Lily.”
Lily
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a beautiful name. But it’s not her. It doesn’t fit her wild, uninhibited personality. Lillies are delicate, fragile even. Willow is anything but delicate. She’s strong and resilient, bending so gracefully with the winds that shook her life to its very core, yet rooted so deeply in her commitment to protect her son.
I watch her conversing with our friends, telling them stories of her childhood and of Jaxon’s. Breaker brings her a laptop, plugging a USB drive into the side and pulling up at least a dozen folders of photos and information.
“I did everything I could to wipe all traces of you and Jaxon from the internet, but I didn’t want you to lose everything. I know moms care about shit like that.” He says, opening dozens of pictures of a baby that is clearly Jaxon and a much younger Willow. All the women look at him like a hero, like he just saved a puppy from a house fire or some shit like that.
“Thank you, Break. I thought these memories would be lost forever. As much as I wanted to take everything when I left, getting away was just more important.”Willow’s voice is solemn and reflective. I know her mind is somewhere else.
I wish more than anything that I could erase every ounce of pain from her past, but that’s impossible. What I can do is eliminate every trace of the man that caused her heartache. I’ve felt rage before. I’ve been shot at, had my friends’ lives in the palm of my hands. But I’ve never felt such a visceral need to end someone’s life as I do right now. I want to tear him apart, piece by piece. He needs to feel every ounce of pain he caused her multiplied a hundred times. Pushing off the counter, I kiss her head, leaving her in the arms of the girls as I walk out the back door onto the wide deck. I take a deep breath, letting my blood pressure attempt to level out. The way I see it, this feels like a recovery mission. I’ve flown over a hundred of those, yet this one feels more important than any before. The recovery of their lives, of their broken memories, is all that matters to me in this moment.
Jaxon sits in a chair at the edge of the deck, black hoodie pulled up over his head. I can hear the whispers of metal music blaring from the earbuds he has in his ears. Everett shrugs, walking back inside. The teen angst is rolling off him in waves. There’s nothing I could say to take away the things this boy has seen. I tap his shoulder, and he jerks his head up. His eyes, thin slits of anger, cool slightly when he sees me.
“Hey, Jax. I just wanted to check in with you. That was…a lot.” I say, dropping into the chair next to him. Henods silently, looking out at the beautiful landscape surrounding Breaker and Rory’s house.
“Are you okay?” I ask. I swear I see him wince out of the corner of my eye.
“That’s what I used to ask her.Are you okay, Mama?Over and over and over again, it seemed like it was every fucking day for years. She lied, of course. Didn’t want to worry me. But I knew. I knew she was lying, and I did nothing.” He says, his voice laced with so much pain.
“There’s nothing you could have-” I tell him, and his angry green eyes snap to mine.
“Nothing I could have done? NOTHING?! That’s my mom, Beckett!MYMOM! The only thing I should have ever done was protect her. And I failed at that.” I see the tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, but he doesn’t let them fall. If screaming at me is what he needs, I’ll take it all. Whatever he needs to relieve this burden, I’ll do that for him.
I don’t know what it feels like to watch your own child come into this world. But I imagine loving that child feels a lot like this. The need to protect him, to take these nightmares from him and to make sure he knows somebody has his back is overwhelming. Jaxon deserved a father who would do anything he could to keep his son safe, to show him what being a real man means.
“You were a boy, Jaxon. A scared boy. I’m sure you don’t want to admit that, I’m sure you feel like that makes you weak. But nobody knows what to do in asituation like that. Your mom did the only she knew how to, she ran. She took everything that mattered to her and ran. You can’t change the past. I’ve tried for years to erase the things I’ve done and didn’t do from my past. And all it’s ever brought me is more misery. Your mom did the one thing she knew would keep you safe, and look at the life you have now. Look at the family you have here. If she’d stayed, if you had tried to do something then, you both would’ve become victims, Jaxon. As young as you were, he could’ve killed you. If something like that had happened to you, Jax, your mother would have given up. What else would she have to fight for without you?” I know he’s crying, but we both ignore it. I tell myself in this moment, I won’t ever let him feel like he doesn’t have anyone to confide in again, about this or anything else.
Most people would say he doesn’t need a father at this point, that he’s practically an adult. And he is. But even as a grown man, I always find myself needing my parents' support, no matter how much time passes. He may never call me his dad, and that’s okay. I don’t need titles to tell me that this boy is mine. Mine to be proud of, mine to be frustrated with, mine to guide in the right direction in his life. Even if Willow decides she doesn’t want me, I’ll still be that man for Jaxon. Because he deserves a dad who gives a fuck about his successes and failures. Someone he can come to when he needs advice, someone who will be there, consistently showing up forall the most important moments in his life. We sit in silence for several long moments before he sniffs, wiping his face on the sleeve of his jacket.
“You love my mom, don’t you?” He asks, surprising me even though we both know it isn’t a question.
“Yeah. I love your mom. I want to fall deeper in love with her, hopefully for a long fucking time, if she’ll let me. I want to get to know the parts she’s hidden for so long.” I answer him without hesitation. I’m done hiding the way I feel about her.
“You’ll take care of her.” He says with conviction.
“I’ll take care of both of you.” I reply, leaving no room for questions. They are a package deal, I’ve always known that. If I’m in, I am all in with both of them. I couldn’t think of anything that would make me happier. He’s silent for a while, but it’s not uncomfortable. He’s just processing all the information I’m giving him.
“Ok. As long as she’s happy, I’m okay. She deserves to be happy. She’s sacrificed everything for me, I don’t want her to sacrifice anything else.” He finally nods, his voice and body language softer.
We stand, having come to a silent agreement. Neither of us are comfortable showing so much emotion, but I know he needs to understand I take this all very seriously. I offer him my hand, doing my best to show him how men strike agreements and keep their word. His emotions are barely banked as he looks down at my outstretched hand. Before I realize what’s happening,he’s pulling me into a tight hug. I hug him back, knowing this may be the first time he’s ever had a hug from a man who cares about him. My dad used to tell me a parent should never pull away from a hug first, because you never know who needs it more. So I stand here on my best friend’s deck, hugging this nearly grown boy like my life depends on it. Because his just might.
ten
“Just can’t fucking listen,can you? Don’t you know you belong to me? I told you I’d always find you, Lily. There's nowhere on this earth you could go to outrun me. You’re mine, and I’ll never let you go.”
Cooper’s dark eyes bore into mine, his fingers wrapping around my throat so tightly. A whimper squeaks past my lips, and his smile turns even more sinister. He’s going to kill me. He’ll take Jaxon and run. He’ll turn my boy into an icy shell of the man he is. I want to fight back. I want to kick and punch and scream that he has no control over me anymore. But my arms are cemented to my sides. I feel nothing. My vision starts to fade at the edges, darkness creeping in. I almost welcome it, knowing I don’t want to die here, but the sweet release from this prison is the only certainty I have now.
Jaxon calls for me somewhere in the periphery, sparking the fire in my soul that tells me to fight for him. For the onegood thing in a lifetime of pain. I open my mouth to scream, and Cooper laughs, squeezing my throat tighter. I claw at his hands, my nails digging into his skin until I draw blood.
