Page 126 of Mr. Edwards
“That’s where you’re wrong. In my heart, I knew he was guilty of the things the others had accused him of. If I’d done more about it back then, maybe I could’ve saved you.”
“Oh, Granny,” I say, wrapping her in my arms whenshe begins to cry. “The only person responsible for his actions is him.”
“I’m glad that sick fuck is dead. At least he can’t hurt anyone else now.”
“When Reece told me you were here, I was worried you’d be angry at me for what happened.”
She draws back, cupping my face. “Oh, dear God, never. I’ll admit I was pissed at you when you broke my grandson’s heart, but now I know why, all is forgiven. You were protecting him.”
“How is he?”
“Grayson?”
“Yes.”
“Heartbroken. He’s carrying around a lot of guilt for what happened to both you and your poor mother. He feels responsible.”
“Please tell him not to. I don’t want any of you to feel accountable for what he did. I could say the same,” I admit as my own tears start to fall. “If only I’d spoken up when I was thirteen or reached out for help after he came to the cabin, all of this could have been avoided.”
“Oh, sweetie. You had your reasons for doing what you did. You thought you were doing the right thing, the honorable thing, nobody can fault you for that. Your strength is admirable.”
We both sit there wrapped in each other’s arms for the longest time. It’s nice. I can count on one hand the number of people who’ve hugged me in my lifetime.
“Grayson wanted me to ask you when the funeral will be?”
“It’s on Friday, but I don’t want anyone to attend. This is something I need to do on my own.”
“Oh, Carlee,” she says, gently brushing the hair frommy face. “Sometimes leaning on others for strength isn’t a sign of weakness.”
“I was estranged from my mother for years; I need this time to say my goodbyes.”
“Okay, I’ll let him know.” She digs in her bag again and pulls out an envelope. “He wanted you to have this… to help with the funeral costs or whatever.”
“I don’t want his money,” I say, holding up my hand.
“Grayson knew you’d say that. He also said it’s yours… money you gave him before you two broke up. Something about a car.” She shrugs her shoulder before forcing it into my hand. “You have to take it.”
I flip back the top flap of the envelope and see multiple bundles of hundred-dollar notes inside. “There’s too much in here. I only gave him a portion of this.”
“That’s something you’ll need to take up with Grayson. Let him help you, he needs to do this. The poor boy is suffering too.”
“I can’t let him do that.”
“Yes, you can,” she says, tapping my leg. “Now, I best be going. I have a long drive home and there’s a box of Twinkies waiting with my name on it. I’m going to kick off my shoes, lose this damn bra, and suck all the centers out of those motherfuckers.”
I sneak out of the apartment while Reece is off doing his morning jog. I was struggling to keep myself together, and I didn’t want to have to face him before I left. The gym is closed today. It’s the first time ever. I only foundout when I noticed the sign sitting on the reception desk. It read:We’ll be closed on Friday due to family reasons.
I cried when I saw he’d writtenfamily. I’ve turned into an emotional wreck of late. The tiniest things seem to set me off. Reece already knew I was attending my mother’s funeral alone; he was simply doing this out of respect for me.
We’ve never put a label on our relationship or discussed emotions or sappy bullshit, but to me, he’s always been family. I’ve never uttered the words, but I hope he knows how much I love him. I’m so grateful for everything he’s given me over the years.
I decided not to do a church service. Roxy didn’t have a religious bone in her body. I opted for the burial only. The funeral home has organized a pastor to attend and say a few words. I have to meet him at the gravesite at 9:00 am, that’s two hours from now.
I’d planned to grab a coffee while waiting, but my stomach is in knots. Part of me is now wishing I hadn’t decided to brave this day alone.
I ended up driving straight to the cemetery. I’ve been sitting here in the car staring out the front windshield at the deep hole that’s been dug in preparation for today, my mother’s final resting place. It’s traumatizing, to say the least. I’ve spent the entire time racking my brain, trying to remember the good times we shared. Is it bad that I can barely come up with any?
A few that come to mind are the times she’d let me siton her bed and watch her apply her makeup. Sometimes I’d ask her to put some on me, and the answer was mostly no, but one day she let me apply some of her lipstick. I smile to myself when I think about that moment. I felt like a princess that day. I was super careful when I ate to not rub any of it off.
